Spaces

Yet another research paper, yet another 3am post. I am not enjoying the pattern in these schedules.

I feel like I need to start drawing again. I need to return to my world of creation and shapes. Once, I was nearly to the edge. I was close. I was close enough that I could pear over the precipice and see the downward slope toward the grove of goals. They were right there.

Every now and then I need to remember that I am stretched thin. I am so used, so at ease to be thinking in multiple times, multiple places, and maneuver through the world on the fly. It is how I am. It is me. It is what I do.
But I am tired.

I am really, really tired.

I am in too many places. I am in too many times. I am not here. I am not when. I am not what.

There is no chance for a full revival. Only stim packs and the random chanced upon reminder. A fleeting shimmer. A green leaf amongst a sea of yellow.
Too many traps. Too many dwellings. Too many don't matter. Not enough matter.
Stop. Move. Flow. Settle. Be. Expand, but return home. Travel forth, but hold a spoonful of oil. Drink from the sea and wrap yourself in the lonely, fickle wind. Give it a friend for the moment. Show it softness in order to remember your own softness and grip. Breathe. Find your motion. Find your cycle.
Find your place.
Retract. Center. Find security, find safety. Find a hill to roll down. Find a tree to climb. Let its slow hands reach up and lift you in its concerned skyward embrace.
Make yellow dance against a backdrop of seafoam orbs and lavender oranges.
Touch colors, smell the sights, taste the music.
Remember.



**reboot.



grow.

Great Pictures

Amazing

Mask of a Proxy

Remembering patience, value and time, I am still having trouble with staying in the concrete now.









From: The Alchemist
A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.

The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

“Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something”, said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. “As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”.

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

“Well”, asked the wise man, “Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world”, said the wise man. “You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”.

Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?” asked the wise man. Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

“Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you”, said the wisest of wise men. “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon”.

What I missed out on this year.

Halo, Soccer, Foods, dog-1, Sciencing, phat cat, Outside Sky-1, Monsters, Sky-2, Sky-3, Dog-2, Having good fun

Fare Well

I will be leaving soon, and I don't feel that I've apportioned my time on things correctly, as usual. The last few days of school, and continuing into now are still too busy-busy and I haven't actually gotten to things that I would like to do before leaving. I will do the best I can to continue in augmenting my self with learnings that I should know, or revisit. I got The Giver today from the library at long last. I can't wait to read it again. Even when I was little I recognized that this book at huge undertones that I wasn't able to see in entirety. On another note, Ninja Gaiden is amazing.
I got done taking my SAT's, but even there I found a small tidbit. I forget what the problem was asking me to do, or who the quote was by, but I was asked to look at this quote in a reading problem. The direct quote eludes me, but the idea was that in remembering and thinking about remembered information, actually changes the perspective that it was originally viewed in, and thus changes the memory. If this is true, I have significantly altered my past. I suppose I should concentrate on my future though. Junior year is finally over, and only one more year until college. Even typing that feels weird.
I am also taking requests for book lists. I don't think I have read as much as I should have by now. I have started with re-reading A Wrinkle In Time, and The Giver, but I may also read over Ender's Game, and maybe find some new ones.

After today.. I'm off for adventure i guess.

A Better Representation of Absence

Whitman pictures are at the beginning with all the flatness, and starting at the great door is Reed.



















(The nuclear reactor with accessory duckies)




in no particular order.

Transversing the Uncertainsea

"hey, are you hungry?"
"no, go buy yourself something."
"i know your hungry, just pick something out, i'll get it for you."
"no, save your money."
"do you want some chips?"


***

certain people have more influence on me than others. i'm not talking about one in particular, it just seems to be a continuing... thing. the way some people i really don't want to let down, where as others could ask the exact same thing in the exact same way and get a different result. maybe me deciding to put off said request or even forgetting about (generally not likely, but still a possibility). when i probed the reasoning for this beyond my attachments, i came to a compromising thought of sorts. in my experiences, weather this is how my brain observes social interactions or what, but i think that the underlying push for crushes and relationships is in fact fear of that person and their approval. without the fear, or uneasiness, then your relationship to that person falls to good, to , really good friends that can be cool about each other. for a while i've mentioned that i have had the overcast feeling of not really being here, and interpreting the world much like a third person view of things. this could be from me not writing enough that i've forgotten how to put ideas into words either verbal or written, but i don't really think it is. i think its because the fear is gone, and i'm not at all used to it. this lack of a something... its so different.
I've started wading into the waters, maybe i'll find a boat.

It's just around the corner. Happy pt.2

Trails and Dandelions

There is something about how the little seeds fly away that reminds me of something.. something important but i can't put my finger on it.


Lately it's been pretty 'blah' out. and muggy. but it still reminded me about traveling down foggy paths, which are like conversations, or awkward situations, or life in general.

Ah...allergies are soon to come.

Aww.

Things are Finally Coming Around

Expanding My Horizons

I've decided that this computer eats too much of my life. So I've tried to find my little place where i can just sit. And do some much needed thinking.. however all i'm getting lately is what is best described as changing colors of the trickling water near by.
Important update.
-theme song change- "Better Days"- Goo Goo Dolls