Gaining Direction

Since it has been forever and a half since I've said something else, I suppose I'll just jump in.

This last year has been an interesting one in contemplating how one "finds" a passion. One of the problems that has always presented itself to me is that it really isn't that easy. Some have problems just getting excited about anything, or being motivated to do any one thing for a period a time, but none of these problems accurately describe my own. My problem has been that I find SO MANY things interesting enough that I can, and have, thrown entire days and weeks at a time at any one thing. Not so much a problem, but something that complicates the issue is that it seems that if I do throw that kind of time at something, I do pretty well. It doesn't take long for me to go from complete novice to something resembling decent. This hasn't helped in paring down my potential options.

One one hand, I think it would be really cool to build my tiny house idea, learn all the electriciany things, hook up some solar panels, and then make a hydroponics garden  I could very easily just start making plans for people and figuring out how to sneak plants into people's homes. On several completely other hands, I could look into video game psychology, and even within that, I could try to design levels, characters, draw, test, research, try to learn to code....pretend I know how to tell a story, I could go and write/illustrate that book that Tracy and I need to write, I could try to beef up my Japanese and somehow combine ALL  of that into something.. Just so many things that I could start getting into, and make it seem like they want to be done now.

But at the least, there are some things on the horizon that are catching my attention and making a plan happen. I need to keep drawing, but lately there have been game psychology openings among developers, and and I have a list of skills that they seem to require. There was also an internship open for the Tumbleweed House Company. I'm applying to that in the very near future. All of these are giving me a better idea of what skills I want to have so that I can talk about them. I need to get on C++, I think that unless there is a big opportunity for me out here on the west, that it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to go home, build my house, build my computer and just start cramming on code, game design, and statistics and art. Maybe some ABA stuff too. But there is a plan, and that's more than what I had a while ago.

I still feel pulled in a lot of directions at once, and I still can't believe I know enough of any for someone to pay me any kind of livable wage. It just doesn't make sense to me why someone would hire me out of college with no experience. Perhaps it's just my perspective, but I can't believe I'm at a point in my life where I can pretend to justify someone paying me thousands of dollars to complete a given task. Maybe I just have no faith in employers, maybe I just simply don't have skills, but the idea that someone would agree to pay me even 20-30k is pretty ridiculous. I'm still in the mind set where I don't know how to make an argument for any more of a salary than that without just dropping off and spending 3 years getting better at one skill, or by getting graduate degrees.

I suppose we'll just have to see where things go.. I suppose it may take quite a while. I keep managing to surround myself with people who are excited and have confidence in me, but at the moment, I can't help but feel stupendously average at the tasks I'm completing. Hopefully, if I keep poking away at things I might work to be almost above average at something.

Minimal Maximal

I have been doing a lot this year. I feel like I have not done a good job actually letting myself know how much stuff I've been doing this year. I have learned how to speak ok Japanese. I have learned what a computer is. I have learned basical survival readings. I have started narrowing down my thesis topics, gotten knowledgable about politics and the state of things.

I have learned how to be happy with less. Spencer and I often point out that there may actually come a time where we don't find ourselves wanting things. Right now I don't actually need to buy any more things. I need housing and stuff, but apart from the day to day life, I have books, games, computers and other unnecessary things. Through a mess of factors including understanding more of the political scene, being a little more environmentally aware, and understanding how much of my life has been influenced by American consumerism, I have stumbled on myself striving to start anew. I think I know what I want in a lifestyle, and I think I know what I don't want. The tricky part is removing the later. I don't need many things from my past. They sit around as physical reminders, holding me from time to time, but do not free me.

I am going to miss leaving Japan, but I am very excited for returning to America. I have ideas. I think I can do them. I know I have the ability. I need to royally get my ass in gear where homework and reading is involved, but I think everything will work out.

Another musing is just realizing how amazing any form of income will be. I am worried that I may not find a job right away but even if that is the case, just living on my own somewhere where I can have some peace of mind and my own personal zen hut will be wonderful. Granted, I need to get student loans out of the way. Those will be the hardest thing of all. I hope that maybe by the time I'm 30 I will be rid of them D:

Just the idea that I could potentially have $1000 as my PLAY money is amazing. I fully understand how easy it is for that to disappear with bills and living expenses or houses and cars, but seriously... That's a lot of play money. That is an "Oh. I guess I'll travel. Oh, I guess I get a sick new computer. Oh, I guess I get several hundreds of books. Oh I guess I eat like double the king I was last year. Oh I'll just make it rain cause I can. Oh I'll just pay someone to install kinnect into my house and make my home a living interface."

That's what throws me for a loop. I can just get things if I were to care to.

Even the fact I can be like "eh. don't like living here. To somewhere in Japan, or elsewhere in the world" astounds me. So much power...

I realize I have to get there first, but I'd like to think I have several ok paths infront of me. Bad case scenario, I go and work as starbucks or something. Either way. Will cling to Takemoto and his knowing placement of people.

I am excited to get back to Whitman and start practicing my new life. I think I have done well to make some steps, and I am excited to start not buying things anymore. The list will slowly get whittled away until I can just up and do anything on a whim. That would be the best. Ever.

Working Half-Awake

The last 24-36 hours have been a little interesting. Reminding me again that everything is different, but nothing has changed. Getting back into the flow of working despite being tripped a little was a little difficult but there are still railings that I can sieze should gravity or parasitic growth. I've managed to keep my eyes around me on the vast tapestries around me in order to remind me and remember how to move and flow.

Somehow Past Sam always knows what to say. If only someday Future Sam could drop a line.

I Got This

I have recently returned to Whitman after a long and necessary break. When I left, I was near convinced that lives were crumbling, options disappearing because of my own lack of tact, as well as being more personally affected by others problems than I had even initially intended. Work had taken over most of my day, and when it was time to unwind and sleep, all that came around was reminders of could-have-beens, and the worst possible interpretations of events under the guise of "at least then I'll be prepared when they happen".

Three times became one, and strings from the past pulled all too strongly in order for future projections to be lived in sickening realism and accuracy. It reminded me strongly of how I felt when I was kind of grabbing for things three years ago. It would have been a lot harder to get through the last week without my Whitman Family. So thank you Mari, thank you Diana, thank you Daniel, and thank you Spencer for being such a great roommate.

That being said, also thank you my Wisconsin brothers for the winter break. I am not sure when we will all be assembled again, but I was glad I could see everyone at least once. I am sorry I did not get to have a farm party mom. When I get back we will dance in the only way does with a puppy, pizza, and too much slippery hardwood floor.

I was happy to have seen Grandma and know that she is doing a little better. I am a little shaken by how well I was able to accurately guess how the scene was presented to me. It was good to be able to talk to her and know that she might be out by spring. I look forward to spending time with you the next summer I am home.

The last semester was, looking back, filled with awkward gaps and runs of motion. While things really didn't move all that differently from freshmen year, I just feel as if something... wasn't quite there. In many ways it was much better and much healthier, but I feel as if my momentum was not always very constant. This semester, this moment in time I am reminded that if things are to be done, I must be the one to place the foundation stone by stone. I am back with my friends, and some of the people I trust the most if some unforeseeable thing happens to spring. I am not breathing quite as quickly, and I know that this equilibrium is not going to be disrupted. I am reminded of a Bill Nye the Science Guy episode on solids and liquids.

I am a liquid, happy and unafraid to fill unfamiliar and empty containers.

There's too much to do, but there is exactly enough time to do it.

Starting...now.

Since I'm Here. Recontinued Remember: pt 3

Since I've just been talking with people for what is now five hours already I must resign myself that I'm not going to be doing homework today. I also haven't been writing. Now that I have had a warm up I feel moved to note down a few things.

Over this weekend I began to be come so calm about the way things were that that lack of commotion or problems in it of itself seemed to be problem. When things seem fine I am inclined to look for the problem that I am over looking. It is usually a misinterpretation, something misunderstood or straight out ignored. I was reminded this night that my sister is not the only one I can converse with at a high level of understanding. Granted, I would be hard pressed to say that any one ever will be able to get onto our level of color, shared experiences, and inside connecting jokes of interest and codexes, but at times I feel as if I forget this. I forget that there are other intelligently aware people surrounding me if I take the chance to reach out a little or do the correct prodding.

I am also working on trusting people to be good people more. While it is not as if I consciously or instinctively distrusted people, it was interesting to see that in cases of confusion and uncertainty, I withdraw and worry rather than trust them to be a capable human being that doesn't mean to harm me. They are doing the best they can with the given situation and how they move about it. They are not searching to do wrong, and it can be avoided with simple communication.

Geneva showed me a video of people dancing extraordinarily, and recently I watched a Youtube video on par kour combined with gymnastics and mixed martial arts. Then I went and climbed a tree. I feel as if I've touched on this before but the physical movement of it all is what, heh, moves me. I am beginning to feel more confident as if when one does something well, or becomes pretty good at a thing, there is this rhythm to it that can be translated from almost anything. I feel it when I write Japanese Calligraphy, in climbing, in dancing, in soccer, in TaeKwonDo, in piano, in cooking, and how one moves through a math problem. There is a beat, a movement to it all. A flow. Hopefully in time I well develop a better connection with amazing connectivity between environment and self. It feels so safe and so wonderful.

REMEMBER: Roleplaying
On situations and people doing what they can with what they have reminds me to continue topics I discussed with Tracy last year. I felt as if alot of problems in social relations between people be it groups, relationships, etc. occur from problems in role playing. It is something that I am simply used to doing. Partly being brought up in a way that emphasized not troubling anyone else unless you absolutely must, it became a tool that I have since developed. As I imagine actors must thoroughly research and understand the pressures on their character in order to play the role as authentically as possible, so too must others not underestimate just how much they have to imagine in order to simply make a good guess as to another's thoughts, feelings, possible reaction. When I imagine this process, I literally have to stop moving, close my eyes and focus entirely on how things would be from another's point of view.

This means my general view of them, the history I know and how I feel it would affect my decisions and priorities, what that persons goals might be, social relations, tendencies, stature and how that body would feel like, where its balance is, and what seems to be most important is how I would appear and be interpreted by that person. This means visualizing myself conversing or simply being there. How would I react to myself? How would THEY react to me? How do I even behave? At the end, all I have is a guess. After all of that work, depending on how well I know the person, I have to resign myself to simply have an educated guess to guide my future actions. Perhaps it is I who is the ignorant one and flawed in my ability to understand a basic Cooley Looking Glass Self in operation but it seems to me that most do not go this far. They skip and just get to the guessing without trying as hard as they can to mentally develop a realistic scenario.

Weekend Topics: Recontinued Remember pt:1

These are some things that I have been noticing, and have tried to narrow down exactly what it is that make people seem so different from me in terms of the way they think. On the base level I feel as if people should be able to come to the same word-form conclusion that I come to, but I feel as if the path to get there is very different, and in the end changes the importance, or how personal the realization is.
"Nothing is small"

Future planning.
People may try to plan for the future, but I do not see them do it in the same way that I do. To me it seems to be more of a conscious attempt at a potential action rather than a scheduled event. I will be participating in it, and i need to think about the realistic situation in which I will be experiencing. I need think about the way it is going to smell, how crowded a thing may or may not be, that point where you look out and see someone you recognize but don't know wether to wave at them or not. Or if you may get flustered momentarily by someone your trying to impress. These all need to be considered. Returning to an idea of preparation. I am not sure if I can name something that I don't have to mentally prepare myself for before doing it. There is always a sonar ping, some "if this happens, I will say this" stretching required before going out and running with it. It is almost because of this that, in accordance with a later description of Role-Playing that it is almost pointless to go to most events that only deviate slightly, or make it so much easier to rationalize not going somewhere. I can imagine the situation, the buzz, the atmosphere, the dimness of the lights, a packed room with too many people and bouncing ping pong balls. Who is there with me, the words they will say and cause me to say words, etc. It becomes thought of. After practically experiencing it in real life I then make a decision if that is indeed the future that I want to participate in. Is that the future I want to have as part of my experience?

This preparation has played a large part in deciding what kind of person I want to be, and who I have become. In order to deal with a predicted event, I should be able to do ______ thing. In order to have that ability, or knowledge, I should practice this new skill, or increase my knowledge about this. The only other route is to explore the future image long enough to discover what exactly I am looking for and how I should realistically expect to achieve it.

Strategic Consciousness and Random Remember

Lately, in the past few days I have found that a brief 3 hour nap in the late afternoon allows for one to stay up and work very deeply into the night. This.. knowing when and not to be conscious, to be aware, poses a few questions.
By this method, it would seem that doing things later is in the better idea. Spending the day getting out all the distractions and reddit updates and then sleeping into work mode. This seems contrary to what was a growing rhythm.
Get it done now.
Action.
No waiting, only the present.
This clicks into a phenomenon that occurs when absorbing becomes self aware that it may, in fact, be hindering either an experience, or is unnecessary. A reboot is in order to clear all the search engines, connectors, remembering, and color empathy before taking things and responding on first impulse. It seems though, that this too has a monitor in order to terminate thoughts that reach second or third generation turn over to ensure spontaneous responses to stimuli and react through improve or intuition. But even these are, in some way, analytical. Finding timing and cues but just quieter, softer..

The Present is twisty and linear all at once. Absorbing all of it at once yields awareness and understanding, cogs turning, marvelous happenstance that the world has, at this location, with whatever history has happened, is unraveling this specific way right here right now. The stories that have such different origin's all coming to a head at a specific instant in time never to be quite as unique.
"People are good at talking, but not so much at listening." -Katie D.

Learning how to teach people how to listen is difficult if they are not used to it. I feel as if my moments where I know how to communicate what I say are random and beautiful when they happen. I can sense what I want to tell them, but if they are new to listening, then they won't pick out the important parts right way and often miss the perspective I want to weave. Or their ability to role play is limited by what information I give them and the way in which I present it. In order to teach others how to listen to me, I will have to learn how to become a better speaker. Those whom have a history will know the serious from the not, what I will pay attention to, and maybe have a 30% idea why.

I can't tell if others feel the gravity of things in the same way I perceive them. Especially struggle in inanimate, or organic materials. Their will and purpose they must strive to fulfill, if that couch is happy to be placed where it is, if a salt shaker gets lonely, or the insatiable garbage cans, laughing at how it tricks us into throwing it perfectly good food. Prompted from watching alot of anime where recently many characters across different series all express the same wants. 1) to be helpful to someone else, especially if they are a loved one, and 2) The ability to overcome any terrible tragedy through reception of a kind word from said cared one, or a special sea shell just for them. This insane drive to act in any way necessary to hold a promise.
This is really inspiring, and I can't tell if this is something just not found in our culture, if it has been forgotten, or only exists due to the over exaggeration of feelings and emotions often found in the anime medium.
Nothing is small.
To all the characters, and increasingly describing my perception of conversation, "Nothing is small."
It is not possible to perform an action, a spoken word, a twitch, a facial expression, and not have it mean something. Everything has a meaning.
I wonder how many others talk to those whom they peg as being "realistic" in order to discover, or reaffirm themselves that they are not insane, or at least not that much.

Psychology

One part being forced into a decision by time of meetings and wants, I think I have discovered a more real reason for studying psychology. It is a little interesting that psycho-analyzing things, especially relationships has such a negative stigma. A robot like scientist objectively observing something that can't just be simplified into words and then trying to interpret from such a removed stance. The reason this is interesting is because this is the exact oposite reason for finally deciding to Psych major. After flip flopping for a while I was able to word reasons a little better. I want to be able to understand people. I want to be able to be such an interpreter of their complete person (words, movements, choices) that I can connect with them on an even deeper subjective level. At first I thought it was just to figure out why people were stupid at understanding perspectives. How could people see the same thing and get so many ridiculous stances and beliefs from just a simple recall of a common memory? That seemed dumb, and dangerous. If one wants to even argue what it is to be human, then I would give a strong fight for the capacity to think cognitively. If you can understand someone else's mind, then you have broken through so many barriers. There is nothing else more special to any individual than their own consciousness. The ability to just have a better idea as to how to it... that makes for something that to me seems very not removed from the situation. That seems more to me the ability to actually know the core of another human being. Psychology is not the de-mystification of the mind, transforming people into automatons who control surprisingly little, but in fact another class in understanding. I would love to have the time to take more classes here to further this lofty goal, but for the now I'll have to be content.

I just want to know people better. if they would make it easier then i wouldn't have to study them and i could be taking art classes or philosophy, or science

-Me

Forward

It is time to get work done, son.

How to Measure Time

I have finally gotten around to getting "The Little Prince" into my possession again. After reading other Dr. Seues books and eating a few grapes I was very glad to sit and remember. I'll have to go back and read "The Rainbow Scale" as I remember my guidance counselor reading it to me in kindergarten. I have also managed to get back into the habit of carrying around a camera around more often. The landscape has yet to be exactly picturable.
I think this semester I feel slippery. A few things grab me as I chance by, but by and large there is just too much oil and they don't stick, or don't find just the right hand hold. Perhaps it is my own hands that are too slick, or that I don't know what holds I can use. The thought is maybe even so maleable, so... not concrete that maybe without definition it simply lacks to be.

There is exactly enough time.

Sitting in an unkept lawn, feeling the long blades of grass, like hair wrapped along my fingers.
Softening my core.
Rays of life scream down from their lonely adventure, warming my skin.
Breathe in infinity and exhale uncertainty.
geometry and colors, rivers and trees.
A single droplet perfectly suspended in slow free fall.
No action without reaction, no movement without cause.
Radiating power. Secure. Warm. Tender. Safe.
Cloud whisping along, who are you really?

Dissolve, expand, reform

In need of reorganization and priority sets.





Breathe.

Everything at Once

(upon picking up a stick and twirling it somewhat)
"I should learn how to juggle, or at least fight with a staff or something."
A puzzled look and likewise response
"Why do you keep on doing this to yourself? You seem obsessed with time. Just slow down and stop trying to do all this stuff."
".but.. juggling would be cool."

I still have not yet understood why this conversation exists. I may be because I've said the same things about:
running, sprinting well, piano, cello, gymnastic-y things, break dancing, knitting, video games, hiking, knot tying, programing, math, psychology, japanese, music theory, literature, drawing, painting, origami, anime, manga, Marvel and D.C., good movies, cinematography, how a computer works, martial arts, calligraphy, graphitti, writing, how to gentleman, etc. ....manage time, do those special card trick cuts, play guitar...

Why do people seem alienated by the idea of learning all these things when I voice them? Are we as a generation already used and resigned to the idea of specialization? I admit that there will probably never be enough time in the world for me to be content with the amount of things that I want to learn given my time management skills and how interesting things will pop up and distract me.

I don't see my frustration with time as particularly referring to time, but the perceived potential of what I could achieve. If I just practice these things a little bit, I can do all of these activities averagely to slightly above average. I want to be able to walk in a room and play a piano, draw a good picture, write in elvish, tie a good knot. In order to do well I need to prepare, and in order to prepare I need to practice. In order to practice I need to start. Something that I am still getting used to. I need to begin the beginning so that I can start the end.

Elfen Lied

Lately I've been poking along, getting things through in an old and familiar manner. I've done better job at organizing my things around me to remind myself of life and good things. Lately pandora has been very helpful, playing songs that have been matched perfectly to what I need. Over the last weekend I got caught up in looking for some more anime to watch having been reunited with Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. The Elric brothers have done a lot for me in the past, and look like they will continue to. However, I searched and found Elfen Lied thanks to Ryan Will. Much like Ergo Proxy that was also lent, this story was very original. It has it's own color that I associate with it after finishing the closed manga. Despite how graphic the anime and manga are, I think that it is necessary. At the moment I am still unwrapping things and unsure how to say words so I will have to come back here later and tell them again. Connectiveness with these characters was possible, and despite any initial annoyances, the series is very well done. Very dark with shades of comedy, and a discussion of belonging, and what it means to be human. I wish they had waited for the manga to finish so that they could have done the whole thing.

I need to learn how to draw.

Below is a small exert of several episodes in a music video that properly portrays the feel of the anime.

Late is the Preemptive

At this late (early) hour while eating M&M's and milk, I am beginning to understand more. Not so much something new but a feeling that had color before but is only now becoming something more accessible. The person that I am and that which I would like to become are ideas that seem to be coming into view more and more. For there to be a future, there must be a present action to get there. These decisions must be made carefully, and if they must spontaneously. While there is danger at perpetuating a "prepare" mode, I do not yet think that this is something of worry. It is a now familiar rhythm that comes and goes. I have been at the least, more aware of it in the last year of Great Calm. We do what we do at the moment because in that moment we believe it to be the right thing, the action in order to gain the best future, or the preferred future event. Even if that means simply to continue a routine, or create something new and dangerously exciting is trivial. There is a flow there is a purpose there is a meaning to this rhythm. I do not think that I will be disappointed if I follow it. After watching many episodes of Full Metal Alchemist again. There is a drive, and reminder to have purpose. Ideals are not to be taken lightly, and neither is a commitment to resolve.

There are too many things I have yet to read, yet to see, yet to learn, yet to practice. The knowledge of this is there but still... it has not been thrust into with devotion. I feel that it is possible to do this and still only add to the self without forgetting the oil. I need to fully try and commit to something. I have certainly tried very hard at various skills and various practices, but not fully. Not with everything. Only a glancing attempt, less than full. I need to understand the world so that I can work and live within it. I need to stretch my bounds so that I can confidently be confident. If I don't, what security do I actually have in myself?

There is an ideal.

It understands, and it is silhouetted in my mind. Failure to obtain or reach this state of being may have recurring effects that will last longer than what may be projected. I must advance, must move. I need to first be able to trust in myself and ensure that I can carry out simple tasks. Once past, then the work will begin.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist
It is high time I begin exchanging and work to learn.

From the Well..

There is only so much one can do. There is a difference between reality and mental cognition of perception and recalling of details. I hope I can remember that.

Hello Present

The world around me is finally feeling like a concrete area in which I live. This may sound just a mite hard to understand, but I believe that I have taken large steps in definitely coaxing myself out of the perspective of reality with a thin veil covering everything. Many things have been swirling around, but at least I have stayed in the same place, and have not been bullied by the winds to change stances. I will try to add some pictures to this post later once I get my camera uploaded, or charged. At the moment I am living back at Reed for a night. It is a little relaxing to be back here. Probably the aesthetics, but still, just a different buzz of people than I am used to seeing at Whitman. Even in this small windy day nothing is actually pushing itself to insistently. There are tremors and reminders, but they are not the type that try hearts. Settling continues to occur. Motivation still needs work not surprisingly enough.

Nowhere

 

D :

Thankful

 

Breathe

Take that future

Lately I have been trying to be more active in getting myself prepared for college whether that means making emma go running with me so that I can force myself to up hold an obligation and thus get things done, or by ordering large amounts of books from the library and making myself read them. The plan at the moment is to set up my future self to be in a position where it has to do things that will be advantageous for even the farther future self. Despite being assured to the contrary, I am still worried about possible lacking the adequatecy of a college student. To counter this I have started reading Gestalt Psychology books, and have ordered more on the way so that I can have a base come those classes. Slotting Japanese into my first year is also troubling. I don't know whether I should be watching anime, or trying to find a free online something, or get more books on it.
Unfortunate side effects include: literally zero motivation to do anything in school. It annoys me that I have not accomplished more in my time in shop especially. If I was serious about doing things I could have made so many things, but instead my procrastination has limited me to only a few. The same goes for art. I was not allowed to present this picture as it "was not mine" despite all I did was look at a smaller picture and then enlarge it on my own (I didn't trace anything).
I can't tell if I need people around me so that I can keep a picture of the world that includes more than just me, or if I need to be alone so that I can retract a little and get these things done. Current feeling is at level 4 I would say. After doing math on my math grade I can't fail it as long as I don't get a zero on my final, so I think I will be alright. I am a little sad philosophy is over. Even though I didn't learn anything, it was nice to have terminology for thoughts that I had, and a peace of mind that others were able to come to such a thought as well. I'm not crazy yet.