Working Half-Awake

The last 24-36 hours have been a little interesting. Reminding me again that everything is different, but nothing has changed. Getting back into the flow of working despite being tripped a little was a little difficult but there are still railings that I can sieze should gravity or parasitic growth. I've managed to keep my eyes around me on the vast tapestries around me in order to remind me and remember how to move and flow.

Somehow Past Sam always knows what to say. If only someday Future Sam could drop a line.

Dive back into the grey and Portles of the Land

Happy post Thanks giving,

Covering time from about Tuesday on, there finally was a large amount of snow in the Wallas to the point that it was definitely a winter. The really cold happened after we left but for the time being it was nice to have a winter with everyone who usually don't get that much snow. Before heading out things got pretty gobbled and sticky feeling so it was a little bit hard to fully enjoy or be bound to the present. Too much in too many places needed to be thought of at the same time and is one of the first times in a while that I've let that happen. The time that transpired after this, however, was some of the most precisely applied aid I've seen yet.
Thank you Mari for everything. The 48ish hours I guested at your house was exactly what I needed. Thank you for the conversation, perspective, and laid-backedness. Thanks for the remember, and thanks for making the invitation in the first place because I probably would not have asked to stay over. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Portland greeted me with one of the best nerd dens I've seen in a while. So much anime, so much games, so much potential, it is lovely. There will be par cour, there has and will be good food, and as most breaks happen are ending too quickly. I finally was able to meet T1 (Trace) and that was wonderful. He gave me a flute he made so now I must learn how to play it well.

I will add to this post with another post later when I have a little more time in the day to properly explain this break and what is up.

The Flip Side

I find that when thinking about things regarding social situations or just in general things around me that have manage to disappoint me or deviated enough from what I wanted to have happened that there is a good exercise to go through.
1. Identify what you wanted to have happen/experience/whatever.
2. Remember what happened
3. Know how it would have had to change in order to reach #1.
4. Seeing how the compare, is #1 appropriate?
5. Is #1 a responsible view on the world, or is it a small selfishness?
6. If #1 had been achieved, how would things be different?
7. How would others know that was what you wanted and did you communicate it well, or what could you have done?
8. Would you be happy if #1 had been achieved?
9. If was considered selfish, why is it selfish and what is the root of this selfishness? Is it simply a sporadic feeling, or is it something else?
10. Is it significant to be thinking about?

It is generally my opinion that, in retrospect, I struggle largely at 6, 7, and the 8 area. Part of the problem is then changing perspectives to others and knowing that they have their own little wants for the moment and then what those might be and exactly where do you or do you not fall in that. I am also still learning what is appropriate to do if I feel that I am just third wheeling a group conversation and have not added anything for the last hour. At this point am I still an active participant, or am I simply next to a few more people?

Also, it has come to my attention that sometimes things that you actually want to have happen, happen anyway without your being aware of them. For instance, old example of sitting at a table by yourself for the purpose of a social experiment to see who will sit with you. What do you do when the people actually sit with you? Do you become happy and overjoyed that they have chosen your presence to surround themselves with, or do you push it back in your mind because you really were hoping to perpetuate a self fulfilling prophecy and try to rationalize something by their absence?

Reality pt. 2

Which begs the question. Which am I more preoccupied with, the idea of the thing, or actually accomplishing it and advancing to get there?

In how many areas of my life is this really pertinent in?

Snow in Spring

Walks late at night in a semi warm Portland, good food, co-incidence,

This is another book that I need to reread at a later date and immerse myself in. Despite being in the West, it clearly and vividly reminded me of the Midwest and my home. What I am and what Wisconsin is, and how that carries back to me. My childhood and my identity were momentarily refreshed. Long snowed in days where in a particular drift you make a store for people to admire your different and unique icicles. where you stay out on a dark hill by the barn that is only illuminated by a far off blue of the mysterious Night Light that just comes on whenever it is dark. How that lonely light skips and reflects off of frail clumps falling from the sky. Arms outstretched, clothed in thick bundles standing triumphantly on your creation only to run back up the hill breatheless and tube down again on a track that is finally smooth enough for speed.

I remember.

I remember everything.

How to Measure Time

I have finally gotten around to getting "The Little Prince" into my possession again. After reading other Dr. Seues books and eating a few grapes I was very glad to sit and remember. I'll have to go back and read "The Rainbow Scale" as I remember my guidance counselor reading it to me in kindergarten. I have also managed to get back into the habit of carrying around a camera around more often. The landscape has yet to be exactly picturable.
I think this semester I feel slippery. A few things grab me as I chance by, but by and large there is just too much oil and they don't stick, or don't find just the right hand hold. Perhaps it is my own hands that are too slick, or that I don't know what holds I can use. The thought is maybe even so maleable, so... not concrete that maybe without definition it simply lacks to be.

There is exactly enough time.

Sitting in an unkept lawn, feeling the long blades of grass, like hair wrapped along my fingers.
Softening my core.
Rays of life scream down from their lonely adventure, warming my skin.
Breathe in infinity and exhale uncertainty.
geometry and colors, rivers and trees.
A single droplet perfectly suspended in slow free fall.
No action without reaction, no movement without cause.
Radiating power. Secure. Warm. Tender. Safe.
Cloud whisping along, who are you really?

Color of a Rhythm

Recede into the swell

Time management aside, today I am moving and getting things done. The right color and beat are back on and I am confident I can do things as long as they are with me. Still being a little bit uncomfortable, but I am not too worried. Things will work out how they work out. I need to remember not to stress about things I can't control. Along with feeling like I'm getting things done, by my doing this post it should be obvious exactly how well I'm using my time here. I still needing to remind myself that the minds of those around me have the potential to kill. I am fairing quite well so far, and can at least talk in many different languages when the need arises, but there is yet to be any universal connector. I will have to keep a list that can figure out scheduling for winter break. I need to be able to do everything, or at the least get a large amount done. I must be aware.
earlier today I reminded myself that one must not over estimate their influences that they assume they are the main reason and factor in another's actions. That being said, one must also never underestimate their influences. A tree is only hard to move once you try to push it.

Expansion on an explosive slow

Always a lack of action.

Rainy June

Breathe

Coming and Going

It is currently 630 am, but I feel moved to write something at the moment so I think that I will. Not having to worry about college related things any more has greatly decreased my stress levels down to about what things were like fall last year. I don't have to worry about grades too much, but that isn't taking root as much as I thought it would. I have decided that this second semester is going to be more productive that the first, so I am going to be reading more books and playing more video games hopefully.
There is a more dense and metallic feeling about this second turn. More singular. That being said Whitman can not come soon enough. I am almost ready mentally to feel the crushing sensation of learning. Philosophy classes at UW and psych at school, no matter how simplistic is a nice change of events that I can see will help me keep a good stream of consciousness. Trees of a familiar wood surround me, but their individual trunks are different from the normal. I am not particularly here or there, and at the same time I don't find myself too unsettled. I should learn how to find resources though if I expect to find my way back.


I hope this is not a deadly circle.
At least I have a rock.

Precedents

Working on this post has been troublesome. I had an idea that has slipped just before I started writing so I hope it comes back to me. Pictures have been helping I think.
...!

And with that I remember.

title: Speaker for the Dead.

True to its title, ironically prompted by a teacher who had other plans, I remembered how to like reading and thinking in a way I'm used to. With the opening possibilities of second, and last semester at Kohler, I believe that I can begin to start being better at completing, and doing. I can start reading again at the least. At least at the moment I'm tranquil with how things are, which is probably healthy. I have enough school work to keep me oriented, but not enough to keep me constricted. I still hate offices. I suppose there is more of a settling feeling. But at the same time the idea of colored ribbons, and ancient ruins push themselves forth. At the least, I can camp and stay put, so I will try to. I feel as if my hands are steady enough at the moment that maybe I could take some of those first steps. Paying attention while remembering the spoonful of oil I hold.

The dual reason for this post is to keep me in practice. I have become lax. And my mental powers are paying the price. I must stay sharp. I must stay prepared, and I must adapt to survive, and survive to adapt. I need to remember the reconnectedness I felt not so long ago and grab onto it fully. The Speaker of the Dead reminded me of this. I know it is true because he said it. Maybe I just want it to be true. I still wish that there was a way to at least see things for what they are. I think I am very bad at this. When people speak, I wish instead of hearing their words, I could just understand. I don't care what they say. I want to understand what they mean, and in turn, that they know what I mean.

What is Real Anymore?