"no, go buy yourself something."
"i know your hungry, just pick something out, i'll get it for you."
"no, save your money."
"do you want some chips?"
***
certain people have more influence on me than others. i'm not talking about one in particular, it just seems to be a continuing... thing. the way some people i really don't want to let down, where as others could ask the exact same thing in the exact same way and get a different result. maybe me deciding to put off said request or even forgetting about (generally not likely, but still a possibility). when i probed the reasoning for this beyond my attachments, i came to a compromising thought of sorts. in my experiences, weather this is how my brain observes social interactions or what, but i think that the underlying push for crushes and relationships is in fact fear of that person and their approval. without the fear, or uneasiness, then your relationship to that person falls to good, to , really good friends that can be cool about each other. for a while i've mentioned that i have had the overcast feeling of not really being here, and interpreting the world much like a third person view of things. this could be from me not writing enough that i've forgotten how to put ideas into words either verbal or written, but i don't really think it is. i think its because the fear is gone, and i'm not at all used to it. this lack of a something... its so different.
I've started wading into the waters, maybe i'll find a boat.
1 comment:
interesting....
your pic of Cassy...
"its been almost 30 years since the night of the wolf and the winter cold... it is not fear that grips him... but a heightened sense of things. His helmet is hot... his shield is heavy...."
thats what your pic reminds me of.
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