Oh Yeah.

Awaken from Hibernation

It has been far, far too long since I have written anything down here. This follows for anything else that I have meant to keep a semblance of routine updates in. PWS, writing in journals, taking pictures, drawing, etc. It's been so long since I've taken the time to really, personally take a good look at the things around me and gleam anything meaningful from them. For the moment I feel this is because I have been lulled into a legitimate sense of security.
Nothing is wrong here. There are good friends, good work, good professors, good weather and activities, good books, great house/housemates...There is almost nothing missing. Years ago I may have felt a small drive to continue to pull back and consequently review and predict everything for hope of a different interpretation, or even just another perspective. I believe that for the moment, I am just calm. I don't feel like I need to look into everything. If it bothers me enough, or seems important, than yes, surely I'll look into and try to understand a speech pattern or watch how a duck walks, but for the moment. I don't think I really /want/ to find another interpretation.
This is great.
This is where I want to be.
This is where I LIKE being.

How to Measure Time

I have finally gotten around to getting "The Little Prince" into my possession again. After reading other Dr. Seues books and eating a few grapes I was very glad to sit and remember. I'll have to go back and read "The Rainbow Scale" as I remember my guidance counselor reading it to me in kindergarten. I have also managed to get back into the habit of carrying around a camera around more often. The landscape has yet to be exactly picturable.
I think this semester I feel slippery. A few things grab me as I chance by, but by and large there is just too much oil and they don't stick, or don't find just the right hand hold. Perhaps it is my own hands that are too slick, or that I don't know what holds I can use. The thought is maybe even so maleable, so... not concrete that maybe without definition it simply lacks to be.

There is exactly enough time.

Sitting in an unkept lawn, feeling the long blades of grass, like hair wrapped along my fingers.
Softening my core.
Rays of life scream down from their lonely adventure, warming my skin.
Breathe in infinity and exhale uncertainty.
geometry and colors, rivers and trees.
A single droplet perfectly suspended in slow free fall.
No action without reaction, no movement without cause.
Radiating power. Secure. Warm. Tender. Safe.
Cloud whisping along, who are you really?

手つだて下さい。

I am trying to work a little more at Japanese immersion. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing but I still need to get things together and understand what exactly I am doing and what that means. I watched Naussica the other day, and Up not too long ago. These movies have helped. I remembered the same feeling of mystery and engagement I had when watching Naussica on cartoon network wondering why it seemed so good. Only later to realize that it was a Miyazaki film. I am doing an interesting mixing of perspectives and colors that are running along with my movement, but never completely fading out of view regardless of intent. On a completely different side note, Chemistry is indeed just raising up my want to learn Biology to get away from math. Concepts without math is better. Unless I have to do math in order to do Psychology or art, then I seriously lack interest and have noticed that I nearly shut down in the presence of numbers. Too many bad experiences. I'd much rather learn and memorize how muscle cells communicate to each other so that I know what to eat and placebo me a better twitch response.
I just want things to fit. Things should fit.
Equilibrium has not set in yet and It is almost over. I have had almost zero effect on the world and those around me and it is already one year gone. Too few achievements. Too little working, too little doing. Too little fitting. What people did not mention about college is that everyone else is always busy too.

Rotation and slow Free Fall

"A Square my Lord. Shall he nestle it into the bosom of the L block, or perhaps .. leave it room to grow"
-College Humor
More music for purpose and perspective

Dissolve, expand, reform

In need of reorganization and priority sets.





Breathe.

For Richard

I'm sorry I didn't get to know you more than just in Core and every now and then at rock climbing.

Sounds like you were a really amazing person. Thanks for sharing some of your life force with me. I'll try to use it for the better.

To anyone and everyone who has helped me so far to get to this amazing college, and everything else in life so far. Even to people that I don't know yet.
Thank you, I love you all.

Elfen Lied

Lately I've been poking along, getting things through in an old and familiar manner. I've done better job at organizing my things around me to remind myself of life and good things. Lately pandora has been very helpful, playing songs that have been matched perfectly to what I need. Over the last weekend I got caught up in looking for some more anime to watch having been reunited with Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. The Elric brothers have done a lot for me in the past, and look like they will continue to. However, I searched and found Elfen Lied thanks to Ryan Will. Much like Ergo Proxy that was also lent, this story was very original. It has it's own color that I associate with it after finishing the closed manga. Despite how graphic the anime and manga are, I think that it is necessary. At the moment I am still unwrapping things and unsure how to say words so I will have to come back here later and tell them again. Connectiveness with these characters was possible, and despite any initial annoyances, the series is very well done. Very dark with shades of comedy, and a discussion of belonging, and what it means to be human. I wish they had waited for the manga to finish so that they could have done the whole thing.

I need to learn how to draw.

Below is a small exert of several episodes in a music video that properly portrays the feel of the anime.

Coming Around

Amber, 45 degree upper left crimson clouds perspective

Thanks Tracy
music
Social Psychology has been very reassuring that I am pursuing something that is of great interest. Reading is not a chore, and I may soon just go ahead and finish the book. This is the psychology I am interested in and most familiar with. This is a class that I feel I must do well at and cannot fail. Productivity has stalled over the last week, but it is making a return. Refresh, reboot, step forward. I watched a few episodes of Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood again this weekend. After taking breaks in between watching large amounts of the show I am always hit with a very heavy, very real realization. Ed and Al never, NEVER stop trying. They never stop moving forward. They have a goal, and they not only strive for this with everything they have, but they do not lose their own identities through their fight. They have seen people killed, murdered, tortured, sacrificed. They have only each other, and have barely any friends who they can speak to about their past, or uncovered secrets. A particular scene that sticks with me is in the original series in which they come to Tuckers house to prepare for their State Alchemy Exam. Al is admiring the books and exclaims at how many there are and how cool it'll be to read them all. As he waits for Ed's response, he looks down and sees his older brother already half way through a book reading furiously.
"He's already started." Al jokes.

No hesitation. Always motion. Always learning, and the courage to confront the many obstacles that threaten to kill them.

At the least I am realizing these things and can try to keep up with them.

The other notice-ment is that of the dangers of mulling. I am good at it. I have much practice. I can understand things very well. However, that which is being understood must have been an actual event, which actual facts, and actual intents. Substitute intents only work so far, and usually for the wrong conclusion. "If we stop worrying, and fighting about time, I think we'll find that it's really on our side."-Scrubs episode. I want this to be true. I want to be able to stop thinking about right moments, situations, and how to time words. I need to work on teaching others how to listen and understanding that they already know how to.

Color of a Rhythm

Late is the Preemptive

At this late (early) hour while eating M&M's and milk, I am beginning to understand more. Not so much something new but a feeling that had color before but is only now becoming something more accessible. The person that I am and that which I would like to become are ideas that seem to be coming into view more and more. For there to be a future, there must be a present action to get there. These decisions must be made carefully, and if they must spontaneously. While there is danger at perpetuating a "prepare" mode, I do not yet think that this is something of worry. It is a now familiar rhythm that comes and goes. I have been at the least, more aware of it in the last year of Great Calm. We do what we do at the moment because in that moment we believe it to be the right thing, the action in order to gain the best future, or the preferred future event. Even if that means simply to continue a routine, or create something new and dangerously exciting is trivial. There is a flow there is a purpose there is a meaning to this rhythm. I do not think that I will be disappointed if I follow it. After watching many episodes of Full Metal Alchemist again. There is a drive, and reminder to have purpose. Ideals are not to be taken lightly, and neither is a commitment to resolve.

There are too many things I have yet to read, yet to see, yet to learn, yet to practice. The knowledge of this is there but still... it has not been thrust into with devotion. I feel that it is possible to do this and still only add to the self without forgetting the oil. I need to fully try and commit to something. I have certainly tried very hard at various skills and various practices, but not fully. Not with everything. Only a glancing attempt, less than full. I need to understand the world so that I can work and live within it. I need to stretch my bounds so that I can confidently be confident. If I don't, what security do I actually have in myself?

There is an ideal.

It understands, and it is silhouetted in my mind. Failure to obtain or reach this state of being may have recurring effects that will last longer than what may be projected. I must advance, must move. I need to first be able to trust in myself and ensure that I can carry out simple tasks. Once past, then the work will begin.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist
It is high time I begin exchanging and work to learn.

Golden Gates and Frost Kingdom

The following year has been an interesting one to describe. More stable than most for sure, but still not devoid of its' own little quirks. Whitman was a huge part of this as well as finally getting out of high school. Despite I've now pretty much finished freshmen year, and do not like just how fast these days go by, I have done only a few of the things I originally set out to do. My writings are also a little more scattered. This may or may not a be a helpful sign. From the beginning of last year however, I would declare that while I may not be as colorful in my descriptions of self as I may at one time been, I most certainly can understand to a higher precision what I am feeling and why. Rooftop level thoughts are not quite so and are just as communicable as the rest of the house. This fall I had a lot of practice reviewing and applying for others which has helped reinforce my belief that I will be alright. I think I have been slowly actually putting trust in my self to not actively destroy things. I feel this is a little odd, but also a little empowering. There have been important realizations, or at least statements this year that will definitely be of use. The last year was one of Great attempted understanding. I will not be so bold yet as to say that I have achieved that, but this year is more certainly one of Great Calming. There has been an overall lack of stress all around, and I think I am better for it. I love my Whitman families and could not be happier at a college. I will continue to look toward growth, and will have to now begin to take actions to achieve goals. The next year hopefully will be one of the elusive action.

"Life is a forward motion"-Past Sam

On the Eve of Eve

Important to note:
Theme song



Spread color over your baren winter landscape through work of mind and life.

Recede into the swell

Time management aside, today I am moving and getting things done. The right color and beat are back on and I am confident I can do things as long as they are with me. Still being a little bit uncomfortable, but I am not too worried. Things will work out how they work out. I need to remember not to stress about things I can't control. Along with feeling like I'm getting things done, by my doing this post it should be obvious exactly how well I'm using my time here. I still needing to remind myself that the minds of those around me have the potential to kill. I am fairing quite well so far, and can at least talk in many different languages when the need arises, but there is yet to be any universal connector. I will have to keep a list that can figure out scheduling for winter break. I need to be able to do everything, or at the least get a large amount done. I must be aware.
earlier today I reminded myself that one must not over estimate their influences that they assume they are the main reason and factor in another's actions. That being said, one must also never underestimate their influences. A tree is only hard to move once you try to push it.

On Ice

Eerily right on.

Inspiration

Am at peace

Stabilizing

These few weeks left before heading out to college have thus far presented themselves in a very beneficial manner. The usual large percentage of what should be finished survives on, but there is a better condensing of past years and origins. I am using a good amount of confidence to just go out and do things that I want to, and organize myself so that impromptu adventure is possible. Should think about reasserting the glowing orb view, and then escalate it so that relationship threads are visible as well. Perhaps I should draw a picture of such a spectacle so that I know a little what to look for. When I load up this page to either look for forgotten ideas or to add new ones, I am noticing how much pictures are lacking and just how important they are to my being able to speak fluently or to explain things. They help things take form better than some text on green. I am reminding myself to make a "Things to look forward to" notebook so that I can start getting ready with anticipation.

I am just about almost ready.

Rainy June