On the Eve of Eve

Important to note:
Theme song



Spread color over your baren winter landscape through work of mind and life.

Recede into the swell

Time management aside, today I am moving and getting things done. The right color and beat are back on and I am confident I can do things as long as they are with me. Still being a little bit uncomfortable, but I am not too worried. Things will work out how they work out. I need to remember not to stress about things I can't control. Along with feeling like I'm getting things done, by my doing this post it should be obvious exactly how well I'm using my time here. I still needing to remind myself that the minds of those around me have the potential to kill. I am fairing quite well so far, and can at least talk in many different languages when the need arises, but there is yet to be any universal connector. I will have to keep a list that can figure out scheduling for winter break. I need to be able to do everything, or at the least get a large amount done. I must be aware.
earlier today I reminded myself that one must not over estimate their influences that they assume they are the main reason and factor in another's actions. That being said, one must also never underestimate their influences. A tree is only hard to move once you try to push it.

On Ice

Eerily right on.

Expansion on an explosive slow

Always a lack of action.

From the Well..

There is only so much one can do. There is a difference between reality and mental cognition of perception and recalling of details. I hope I can remember that.

Forgetting

"Writing Kanji is all about forgetting. You struggle and forget a kanji and then you have to look it up and write it down. Then later you forget it again and again but each time you forget it you are a little quicker to remember it."

-Professor Akira Takemoto

Truth and Lies

"Until you know that a lie is a lie, then it is the truth. Learning how to discern the truth might be the right thing to do but it won't always make you happy."
"So, lies make us happy?"
"Yes, what a clever auto-rave."

-Ergo Proxy

Realization

If there is something I wish to achieve, or an evironment, situation, etc. in the future, I have to do something about it. I have to be the one to put each piece in place. Otherwise it won't get done and nothing will move forward. Reality is a sum of actions. In order to be a part of it, you must continue to place one step forward or else someone will act in your stead.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. In order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is the first rule of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist

also, while looking for this quote:
"..I ignored every sign post because I was reckless and I wanted it bad enough."-Edward Elric (FMA).

"When I was certain that he was going to kill me, my mind went blank and I didn't have any hope anymore. The only thing I could do was scream my lungs out. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even bring myself to believe someone might save me. Then you showed up Al, and I realized if we don't take care of each other, then no one else will. So I will do anything in my power to get our bodies back..."

Hello Present

The world around me is finally feeling like a concrete area in which I live. This may sound just a mite hard to understand, but I believe that I have taken large steps in definitely coaxing myself out of the perspective of reality with a thin veil covering everything. Many things have been swirling around, but at least I have stayed in the same place, and have not been bullied by the winds to change stances. I will try to add some pictures to this post later once I get my camera uploaded, or charged. At the moment I am living back at Reed for a night. It is a little relaxing to be back here. Probably the aesthetics, but still, just a different buzz of people than I am used to seeing at Whitman. Even in this small windy day nothing is actually pushing itself to insistently. There are tremors and reminders, but they are not the type that try hearts. Settling continues to occur. Motivation still needs work not surprisingly enough.

Passions

hope

"I found your sister in a Reed article. Why didn't you go there? You would have done well at Reed."
-Craig Gunsol

Perhaps..

Something that the following discussion brought up was the safety of Whitman students and how they act within the rules. They don't do as well at going crazy and whatever they want. I kind of miss that from the few days I stayed at Reed and the ambient feel of it in surrounding Portland. While I can expand here a little better than at Reed, I feel as if in order to stay within social confines, it would be unwise to reveal just how impassioned I am about the randomness of my knowledge. I would love to speak to people all day long about things, or make something using an idea a friend heard in physics or do something. I feel this is a great place to learn, I am not sure I am in the right place to do. Or maybe learn to do. This nerfing of passions must not be allowed to happen I have decided. I have for too long been a shell of borderline apetheticness and am in desperate need of resurfacing to the qwirky and the emotional. I need to love my work and I need to know that the work loves me. While I know those around me have superpowers, and would not be here if they didn't, I can't always get the sense that they are using them. That being said expansion must continue. Expand until all is one and understanding is living.

Inspiration

Mask of a Proxy

Remembering patience, value and time, I am still having trouble with staying in the concrete now.









From: The Alchemist
A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.

The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

“Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something”, said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. “As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”.

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

“Well”, asked the wise man, “Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world”, said the wise man. “You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”.

Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?” asked the wise man. Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

“Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you”, said the wisest of wise men. “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon”.

System pt. 1

There is an underlying rhythm to these movements. It is a dull vibration throughout the environment, and I can at least feel it getting closer. There have been times that I've played in tune with it be it using a guitar or piano. I know it can be integrated into work and speech and life. I feel as if I've seen it done as well, and have had to appreciate the acoustics from a far. However, with concentration and dedication I feel as if I can not only grasp this, but internalize. There is hope, but being a vibration, I am still unsure which direction it is originating, or what is the source. It feels like momentum, and a familiar orange wrapped in green feeling. It is organization, it is music, it is rustling leaves, it is a curious duck.
There is a web that I can manipulate, and the only obstacle is my own will. There is too much to learn in not enough time, and too much time that is being wasted.

No life without growth,
No growth without change,
No change without death

A Controlled Spiral

Past week or so has been of particular interest. I am still suspicious of a particular weed that may still exist, but so far it has been either lurking, or has maybe finally be uprooted. I believe I have finally started getting into a good rythym of time. Always room for improvement, but at least I am doing more of the things that I want to do, and when to do them. Cycles have been hard to tie in at the moment. I feel as if they are there, but the colors don't quite match up. I feel aloof. Despite progress in activities, I can't really tell how passionately I pursuing things at the moment, or if I am merely doing things I think I should and going through them mechanically.
Portland was very useful. It helped remind and push forward life. At the very least, trails in the dark are being illuminated, and with any luck, there may be some more steady light.

Nowhere

 

D :

Thankful

 

Whitman is watered with Rainbows

 

Thought of

Assassins

From Whitman

It has begun. Not too much has changed just yet. Equilibrium is slowly swirling down to settling. I feel as if there is plenty of time to get everything I want to have done, but I am not utilizing my time well, as always. Friends are becoming more abundant which is of especial joy. I need to remember to keep drawing and reading when I don't have things to do. Pictures too. I have been lax.

From Whitman

Despite I died within 24 hours of assassins (very sketchy kill) things are inversely growing and connectivity is becoming alive. Tendrils are forming and this pleases me much.

I live here now.

From Whitman

And this is indeed my home.

I have done a good job today. /content/

From Whitman

Am at peace

Identification

"In the sense of consciousness as articulate and self-conscious reflection, an emotion can become conscious only if one has ( at the minimum) a language with which to 'label' it and articulate its constituent judgments."
-Emotions and Philosophy


This needs further refinement so that I can take better notice of it.

Gears

Thanks future Tracy.

Stabilizing

These few weeks left before heading out to college have thus far presented themselves in a very beneficial manner. The usual large percentage of what should be finished survives on, but there is a better condensing of past years and origins. I am using a good amount of confidence to just go out and do things that I want to, and organize myself so that impromptu adventure is possible. Should think about reasserting the glowing orb view, and then escalate it so that relationship threads are visible as well. Perhaps I should draw a picture of such a spectacle so that I know a little what to look for. When I load up this page to either look for forgotten ideas or to add new ones, I am noticing how much pictures are lacking and just how important they are to my being able to speak fluently or to explain things. They help things take form better than some text on green. I am reminding myself to make a "Things to look forward to" notebook so that I can start getting ready with anticipation.

I am just about almost ready.

Sheeple

An Attempt

Currently there is a small communication error that is going around, but this is not going to deter me any longer. Slowly, things are getting better grounded, or at least prepared to become so. More pictures need to be taken. Over this weekend hopefully new guitar hero controllers will come in the mail, I can hang out with people before they leave, and some Dungeons and Dragons will be played. Disappointment is still rank in what I have accomplished, but it is getting to the point where this is to be expected. Current status is trying to be pulled back from another wave of apathy and basic survival. The connectedness that I had been working so hard at achieving has some how been swept away quickly and before I could notice. By the time I have, there is need to relearn.
There is not need for total despair however. I have gotten better at feeling cycles when they appear. The more I am able to work through them and understand their depth, the more I am able to swing them around in a proverbial hula-hoop. It is my theory, or maybe hope, that at some point in time all angles will mesh into a single perspective so that I may be aware and responsive to all things at all times. This very description is doomed to fail, and seems to exist only in a an ideological world.
For the most part, this last quarter of time has seemed to be locked in an inability to manipulate thoughts into words or a language. Machinery has been calibrated and tuned, but for some reason is not explaining. I would akin it to a ..... a poke'mon using hardening. Not entirely sure which one at the moment. Speaking of which, found the gameboy with crystal version.
: ) college will be awesome.

Comsumption of the Summer

I am currently making a mental note to start writing down more posts now that a few things have happened. I have gotten my laptop, watched a good anime series, and have started playing wow. ASP this year was, as usual, a good experience to have and was probably beneficial to mine self. Still going to have to wait before I get back into the swing of being able honestly assess anything that I may or may not bee writing down on these notes but at the very least I suppose I need to start somewhere. After much difficulty most of my things have been moved over to the new laptop, but a few thousand photos and documents still need to be put into their place. I think the theme about this summer is going to be friend management and the ratio that I can approve of spending with their different groups. Clarity to issues and time according to due dates are still up in the air and as usual. There is hoping to be a moment in time where we can work on a treehouse somewhere on the farm, but its reality has yet to be fully recognized. Anticipation is still high for Whitman and I cannot wait to get out there. I really hope that we will be smart and allow time to hang out with Tracy. Other than that, events have been mellow and containable.

Rainy June

Begin the Beginning so you can End the End

High school is finally done with. I never will have to sit in another Mrs. Bluel class, or listen to another power point from ms. RS. All that is left is to tie off the works so that I can get to organizing the true potential of this body and its mind. Hopefully this summer will be a time where I can work through this.

Realization is yet to sit in. Right now it is a blur of wanting to just sit and also of having to move to get ready for the next day. I expect I'll figure out I've graduated about sometime next winter. My display for grad. is not as splendid as others, but I will still try to do alright and find a way to do well. I just want to have my own schedule, and have it work. That's all I really want right now more than anything. For things to work the way I've planned them to go. It is a shame that this is most definitely something that will never be.

Movement

(music was:
Pony (It's OK)
Wagon Wheel
Pitter Pat
Lost or Found: Rob Costlow
Speed of Sound
something else..)
(got through math! who-raise!)

What I missed out on this year.

Halo, Soccer, Foods, dog-1, Sciencing, phat cat, Outside Sky-1, Monsters, Sky-2, Sky-3, Dog-2, Having good fun

Breathe

Pail of a Well

I've taken a few minutes out of this night to try and go over about a year ago. I was hoping to see traces of growth if I could either find solace or reason for being. I am thankful that at key points in my development I decided to sit down here and type things for me to read later. It hurts to remember, but it is probably better for the long run. The question of relative value is still viable and up in the air. I'm getting kicked off the computer presently, but pastly I would like to thank myself for hanging on long enough to tell me what was important.
The water gathered can only help the years harvest

Beware though, even plants can be drowned by that which is necessary.

Revisiting Reconnectedness

I'm not really sure how things are going to be completely frank. I seem to be drawn more toward my work that I have yet to do rather than that which staring me right in the face. I'm a little concerned that I will try to pull back from my far off gaze and either get bitten by something in the near future, or even in the present because of my misguided sense of priority. Despite graduation close by, I really don't feel as if this year is different at all. I've used the title of senior to do barely anything I wouldn't have just done before. The people are still going to be there into the summer, and when I come back from college almost every time. The connections that I am beginning to foster are for the getting prepared for books and other far off things. There is a a transparent specter that wears internet shirts and drifts in and out of the perceivable consciousness of others on a weekly basis. The disappearance of such will leave with it no great trace and no viewable difference. It merely will move to a new place to haunt. Without the ability to affect the tangible world it is left to living off of what it hopes are correctly interpreted visual cues, and what it can make of the world it lives in as the strive for communication continues.

Take that future

Lately I have been trying to be more active in getting myself prepared for college whether that means making emma go running with me so that I can force myself to up hold an obligation and thus get things done, or by ordering large amounts of books from the library and making myself read them. The plan at the moment is to set up my future self to be in a position where it has to do things that will be advantageous for even the farther future self. Despite being assured to the contrary, I am still worried about possible lacking the adequatecy of a college student. To counter this I have started reading Gestalt Psychology books, and have ordered more on the way so that I can have a base come those classes. Slotting Japanese into my first year is also troubling. I don't know whether I should be watching anime, or trying to find a free online something, or get more books on it.
Unfortunate side effects include: literally zero motivation to do anything in school. It annoys me that I have not accomplished more in my time in shop especially. If I was serious about doing things I could have made so many things, but instead my procrastination has limited me to only a few. The same goes for art. I was not allowed to present this picture as it "was not mine" despite all I did was look at a smaller picture and then enlarge it on my own (I didn't trace anything).
I can't tell if I need people around me so that I can keep a picture of the world that includes more than just me, or if I need to be alone so that I can retract a little and get these things done. Current feeling is at level 4 I would say. After doing math on my math grade I can't fail it as long as I don't get a zero on my final, so I think I will be alright. I am a little sad philosophy is over. Even though I didn't learn anything, it was nice to have terminology for thoughts that I had, and a peace of mind that others were able to come to such a thought as well. I'm not crazy yet.

A shifting

A new theme song.



Also, just finished archiving and labeling 3000+ emails. I feel so efficient : )

Ca-chooga

Little to really note apart that Philosophy is done, math is still trying to put me into a tar pit, but finally Whitman sent out a course catalog. For some reason I have been able to read pretty easily through the first hundred pages of small font. If I plan things out right, then I should be able to get through college without having to take a large amount of math. Right now looking at Japanese, neurobiology, and psychology as things that I will probably be proficient in. This feels so much like an rpg's skill tree it's ridiculous. Problem though is that this skill tree is trying to be more of everything than the usual level up a ton one aspect. Oh, I should remind myself to get my college schedule up so that I can plan things with people long term.
House is still the bane of my left over time. Ever stealing away precious hours that I have already predetermined for another activity. It's getting far enough along that I can't say that this house won't look nice, but it is to the point where I'd rather just come back from college and have it be completed.
School is finished in about 2 more weeks. Still need to finish projects and tshrits. Reminds me that I need to finish making a Full Metal Alchemist shirt to the joy of many. Transmutation circles are a little hard to put onto shirts due to small-ity of lines.
I suppose I am content at the moment. A recent xkcd has reminded me that many other people can in fact exist and relate to many situations or states of mind. This is reassuring.
I need to start drawing. Hopefully children's book can be completed

Blerg

It has been much time and yet very little has passed. Days are nothing but units of time in which I go to school and waste time. Luckily there isn't that much left of it, but all the same. Nothing happens. I think I will start to get my own books from the library soon and start reading them. English is a joke, and other classes are more motions than actual learning. Goals are currently just to not vere way left and fail something. Basically graduate and survive until college so I can start anew. Social interactions also are just as they have been or have not been. With such a small amount of time left in the year, any thoughts about changing this are futile. Change does not happen is so brief a time. Philosophy is fun, and I still procrastinate a dangerous amount. Focus now is on moving forward, and just putting on the blinders so that I don't need to think about too much. This has of late caused me to fall into an apathetic "go with the flow" mentality which I have always disliked being apart of. It annoys me that I haven't been up to writing more pages either here or in my notebooks, or drawing or what not. Seams to be impossible to drag thoughts of compatibility out entirely though which is sometimes good, sometimes not needed. Money is in need of getting. Can not wait until I finally get my own lap top though. That will be absolutely amazing. This has deteriorated into another rambling, but I will take it as a step forward into writing here again. I started making myself run with Emma. This has been useful in that I need to be running and doing something, and also that Emma doesn't get to hang out much anymore. On a side note, drinking vast amounts of energy drinks is alright as long as you do not need to fall asleep that night. A note to future self, you will just be laying there mad you can't fall asleep, and then the next day you will feel fine. Takes about 20 hours to finally end. Also note to future self. Stop impulse buying. Set a goal, and then get that. Set another goal, and save up. That's how you get the get the best drops for lasting. Having a camera, I should be taking much more pictures and carrying it with me to many more destinations. Taking pictures should force me to make better aware of what's going on around me and predict if i should have it on or not. I'm not entirely sure how I am feeling right now, but I feel as if that feeling would care what I decided to call it so it is probably around a level 3 darker gray.

I need to go on more walks.

: /

Prolonged nothingness has slowly over the last month taken shape into a tangible form and is even now managing to weave itself into a garment that has unfortunately taken a liking to me and follows at my heels. Because I am currently feeling terribly uninspired to write for my philosophy exam I am writing here, throwing up a hope that in my random finger tappings I'll find some meaning or reason to be.
I checked out Ender's Game from the library since I have been unable to get Xenocide from anywhere. I'm taking better notes this time around, and after reading Speaker for the Dead there is still the same sense of amazement at how awesome these books are.
Part of my own fault has been watching more series on youtube and getting music. These so far have been a disruption that I continue to use.
There is frustration that I'm not doing anything. I'm not learning anything, I'm not taking in anything, I feel barely alive. The things I do do not have any effect on my surroundings, and if they do, there are many secrets that I am not privy to.
***
it is now May, and I found this draft while looking once again for inspiration and meaning to be. Xenocide was a useful book and helped a little. Right now time management is still a large problem as I keep finding myself spending large amounts of time either watching people play Smash Bros, or doing something else in which my presence does not matter. Reconnectedness is slipping into a concentrated individualism and putting on the blinders as the relationships around me become less insistent, and can just drift or sit there if that is to be.

Stalin

Floating

I have noticed that over this past week I have been feeling more and more....away from people. I hope that I am not resurfacing the humans are units of meat line of thinking. I have been traped in school and have not been able to play video games, or read books that I need too. I feel like I should be writing more here to better explain this so that I can understand, but I am also feeling a little not motivated to do much of anything. I should go to sleep but I won't just yet.

Note to self: today was stupid

pros: did not cut off fingers, despite math, am still alive.

cons: got stitches, had an imaginary homework grade that applied only to me. I was not even there. I got a zero. Got a D on a math quiz where I have same answers of some one with a B. English teacher for AP lit. cannot handle words with multiple definitions (Ex: flowery). failure has come up and reared its ugly head. Apparently now that I've been accepted to a college, I will now just be subject to ridiculously stupid scenarios whose main goal is stopping me from going to college by any means necessary.
><

Coming and Going

It is currently 630 am, but I feel moved to write something at the moment so I think that I will. Not having to worry about college related things any more has greatly decreased my stress levels down to about what things were like fall last year. I don't have to worry about grades too much, but that isn't taking root as much as I thought it would. I have decided that this second semester is going to be more productive that the first, so I am going to be reading more books and playing more video games hopefully.
There is a more dense and metallic feeling about this second turn. More singular. That being said Whitman can not come soon enough. I am almost ready mentally to feel the crushing sensation of learning. Philosophy classes at UW and psych at school, no matter how simplistic is a nice change of events that I can see will help me keep a good stream of consciousness. Trees of a familiar wood surround me, but their individual trunks are different from the normal. I am not particularly here or there, and at the same time I don't find myself too unsettled. I should learn how to find resources though if I expect to find my way back.


I hope this is not a deadly circle.
At least I have a rock.

YEEEESSSSS!!!!

OMG!

Pie Day!

Apparently there's a council.

Curse you math.

Worry

Ah yes. There you are. And to think I almost started living without you.

Precedents

Working on this post has been troublesome. I had an idea that has slipped just before I started writing so I hope it comes back to me. Pictures have been helping I think.
...!

And with that I remember.

title: Speaker for the Dead.

True to its title, ironically prompted by a teacher who had other plans, I remembered how to like reading and thinking in a way I'm used to. With the opening possibilities of second, and last semester at Kohler, I believe that I can begin to start being better at completing, and doing. I can start reading again at the least. At least at the moment I'm tranquil with how things are, which is probably healthy. I have enough school work to keep me oriented, but not enough to keep me constricted. I still hate offices. I suppose there is more of a settling feeling. But at the same time the idea of colored ribbons, and ancient ruins push themselves forth. At the least, I can camp and stay put, so I will try to. I feel as if my hands are steady enough at the moment that maybe I could take some of those first steps. Paying attention while remembering the spoonful of oil I hold.

The dual reason for this post is to keep me in practice. I have become lax. And my mental powers are paying the price. I must stay sharp. I must stay prepared, and I must adapt to survive, and survive to adapt. I need to remember the reconnectedness I felt not so long ago and grab onto it fully. The Speaker of the Dead reminded me of this. I know it is true because he said it. Maybe I just want it to be true. I still wish that there was a way to at least see things for what they are. I think I am very bad at this. When people speak, I wish instead of hearing their words, I could just understand. I don't care what they say. I want to understand what they mean, and in turn, that they know what I mean.

The Rebirth of the Beginning of the End

(winter playlist
swim
the resolution
17 seconds to anywhere)
Another year has past, and I am still not up to the task of actually fulfilling the plans I set down for myself. Looking back at a previous post, This is one aspect that has not in the least changed. I feel as if the ability that I've had in the past to say meaningful things to myself to help jump start thought an ingenuity have some what dimmed. Mostly because of lack of practice, and not clearing my head before I write these. I have not written enough down, and in turn, will forget too much that should not be. Whatever my rooftop level of thought is has very rarely been able to yell down to the rest of the world what it is, and it is often heard in a way that is unclear. Despite things being slightly disappointing in that regard, equilibrium has still been more than possible, and more great groups are beginning to come into being. Stability is not necessarily part of that, but it has also creeped into places where I'd like it or not. I wish there was a better way to make myself understand what is going on.
A man who holds a snow globe may be witness to a great spectacle and insight to a great city, but mourns that he does not know France, and the Eiffel tower trapped inside. They are not the same, but he is still so close, how much more would it take to let it slip, or to create a new reality?
A friend of mine told me to keep an eye on both the oil, and my surroundings. I believe myself to have been looking somewhere in between, not on one or the other. This has maybe been the least efficient way to do things, but at the least it has been monitored.
Wall-e has probably been the most useful thing I have paid attention to this entire year. There was so much truth and connections confined into a small little robot I can barely comprehend it. It made things real. While last year may have been one of Great Realization, This was one of Great Attempts at Internalizing those realizations. I just hope that understanding those internalizations doesn't take a whole year.