Gaining Direction

Since it has been forever and a half since I've said something else, I suppose I'll just jump in.

This last year has been an interesting one in contemplating how one "finds" a passion. One of the problems that has always presented itself to me is that it really isn't that easy. Some have problems just getting excited about anything, or being motivated to do any one thing for a period a time, but none of these problems accurately describe my own. My problem has been that I find SO MANY things interesting enough that I can, and have, thrown entire days and weeks at a time at any one thing. Not so much a problem, but something that complicates the issue is that it seems that if I do throw that kind of time at something, I do pretty well. It doesn't take long for me to go from complete novice to something resembling decent. This hasn't helped in paring down my potential options.

One one hand, I think it would be really cool to build my tiny house idea, learn all the electriciany things, hook up some solar panels, and then make a hydroponics garden  I could very easily just start making plans for people and figuring out how to sneak plants into people's homes. On several completely other hands, I could look into video game psychology, and even within that, I could try to design levels, characters, draw, test, research, try to learn to code....pretend I know how to tell a story, I could go and write/illustrate that book that Tracy and I need to write, I could try to beef up my Japanese and somehow combine ALL  of that into something.. Just so many things that I could start getting into, and make it seem like they want to be done now.

But at the least, there are some things on the horizon that are catching my attention and making a plan happen. I need to keep drawing, but lately there have been game psychology openings among developers, and and I have a list of skills that they seem to require. There was also an internship open for the Tumbleweed House Company. I'm applying to that in the very near future. All of these are giving me a better idea of what skills I want to have so that I can talk about them. I need to get on C++, I think that unless there is a big opportunity for me out here on the west, that it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to go home, build my house, build my computer and just start cramming on code, game design, and statistics and art. Maybe some ABA stuff too. But there is a plan, and that's more than what I had a while ago.

I still feel pulled in a lot of directions at once, and I still can't believe I know enough of any for someone to pay me any kind of livable wage. It just doesn't make sense to me why someone would hire me out of college with no experience. Perhaps it's just my perspective, but I can't believe I'm at a point in my life where I can pretend to justify someone paying me thousands of dollars to complete a given task. Maybe I just have no faith in employers, maybe I just simply don't have skills, but the idea that someone would agree to pay me even 20-30k is pretty ridiculous. I'm still in the mind set where I don't know how to make an argument for any more of a salary than that without just dropping off and spending 3 years getting better at one skill, or by getting graduate degrees.

I suppose we'll just have to see where things go.. I suppose it may take quite a while. I keep managing to surround myself with people who are excited and have confidence in me, but at the moment, I can't help but feel stupendously average at the tasks I'm completing. Hopefully, if I keep poking away at things I might work to be almost above average at something.

Minimal Maximal

I have been doing a lot this year. I feel like I have not done a good job actually letting myself know how much stuff I've been doing this year. I have learned how to speak ok Japanese. I have learned what a computer is. I have learned basical survival readings. I have started narrowing down my thesis topics, gotten knowledgable about politics and the state of things.

I have learned how to be happy with less. Spencer and I often point out that there may actually come a time where we don't find ourselves wanting things. Right now I don't actually need to buy any more things. I need housing and stuff, but apart from the day to day life, I have books, games, computers and other unnecessary things. Through a mess of factors including understanding more of the political scene, being a little more environmentally aware, and understanding how much of my life has been influenced by American consumerism, I have stumbled on myself striving to start anew. I think I know what I want in a lifestyle, and I think I know what I don't want. The tricky part is removing the later. I don't need many things from my past. They sit around as physical reminders, holding me from time to time, but do not free me.

I am going to miss leaving Japan, but I am very excited for returning to America. I have ideas. I think I can do them. I know I have the ability. I need to royally get my ass in gear where homework and reading is involved, but I think everything will work out.

Another musing is just realizing how amazing any form of income will be. I am worried that I may not find a job right away but even if that is the case, just living on my own somewhere where I can have some peace of mind and my own personal zen hut will be wonderful. Granted, I need to get student loans out of the way. Those will be the hardest thing of all. I hope that maybe by the time I'm 30 I will be rid of them D:

Just the idea that I could potentially have $1000 as my PLAY money is amazing. I fully understand how easy it is for that to disappear with bills and living expenses or houses and cars, but seriously... That's a lot of play money. That is an "Oh. I guess I'll travel. Oh, I guess I get a sick new computer. Oh, I guess I get several hundreds of books. Oh I guess I eat like double the king I was last year. Oh I'll just make it rain cause I can. Oh I'll just pay someone to install kinnect into my house and make my home a living interface."

That's what throws me for a loop. I can just get things if I were to care to.

Even the fact I can be like "eh. don't like living here. To somewhere in Japan, or elsewhere in the world" astounds me. So much power...

I realize I have to get there first, but I'd like to think I have several ok paths infront of me. Bad case scenario, I go and work as starbucks or something. Either way. Will cling to Takemoto and his knowing placement of people.

I am excited to get back to Whitman and start practicing my new life. I think I have done well to make some steps, and I am excited to start not buying things anymore. The list will slowly get whittled away until I can just up and do anything on a whim. That would be the best. Ever.

Spaces

Yet another research paper, yet another 3am post. I am not enjoying the pattern in these schedules.

I feel like I need to start drawing again. I need to return to my world of creation and shapes. Once, I was nearly to the edge. I was close. I was close enough that I could pear over the precipice and see the downward slope toward the grove of goals. They were right there.

Every now and then I need to remember that I am stretched thin. I am so used, so at ease to be thinking in multiple times, multiple places, and maneuver through the world on the fly. It is how I am. It is me. It is what I do.
But I am tired.

I am really, really tired.

I am in too many places. I am in too many times. I am not here. I am not when. I am not what.

There is no chance for a full revival. Only stim packs and the random chanced upon reminder. A fleeting shimmer. A green leaf amongst a sea of yellow.
Too many traps. Too many dwellings. Too many don't matter. Not enough matter.
Stop. Move. Flow. Settle. Be. Expand, but return home. Travel forth, but hold a spoonful of oil. Drink from the sea and wrap yourself in the lonely, fickle wind. Give it a friend for the moment. Show it softness in order to remember your own softness and grip. Breathe. Find your motion. Find your cycle.
Find your place.
Retract. Center. Find security, find safety. Find a hill to roll down. Find a tree to climb. Let its slow hands reach up and lift you in its concerned skyward embrace.
Make yellow dance against a backdrop of seafoam orbs and lavender oranges.
Touch colors, smell the sights, taste the music.
Remember.



**reboot.



grow.

Working Title

So, I will add more to this later on today, but I am getting a little confused by this.

Actually, no. Realized anything I could ever verbalize into words is best put in rage face form. If anything, this is more proof that i should try to make an effort to get something meaningful thrown down on this webzone.

Close Enough

It is just a little off, but still about 16 hours away from Friday afternoon. This week has been moving unbelievably slow. I've been working pretty hard I think to make everything work out the way that it needs to. I've prepared a net for myself this time, and have some pretty good hand holds if I need them. I feel tingly and a pretty sleepy. Just want to get this over. Could have maybe even finished it today, but that wasn't the plan. The hour is drawing near and I will be able to embrace it. This very post is even another way for me to be doing something and still move time along.

I feel so fussy.

Needs to be tomorrow already.

Apart from this, things are proceeding well. I will be able to safely navigate this semester if this first week is any sort of a standard. I have been level, I have been moving. I have been given pieces that could be my future, and this weekend I will take steps to grasp them. I will continue to work on and finish drawing and painting some of the portraits for the grandmas.
Forgive me Wisconsin, I know I am not as good a son as I could be. Instead I merely give you the bare minimum. I am trying hard to change this so that I might finally be rid of it and actually earn the praise you've bestowed on me.
Thanks everyone.
I will not make you liars.

Rest assured, I don't break promises.

Since I'm Here. Recontinued Remember: pt 3

Since I've just been talking with people for what is now five hours already I must resign myself that I'm not going to be doing homework today. I also haven't been writing. Now that I have had a warm up I feel moved to note down a few things.

Over this weekend I began to be come so calm about the way things were that that lack of commotion or problems in it of itself seemed to be problem. When things seem fine I am inclined to look for the problem that I am over looking. It is usually a misinterpretation, something misunderstood or straight out ignored. I was reminded this night that my sister is not the only one I can converse with at a high level of understanding. Granted, I would be hard pressed to say that any one ever will be able to get onto our level of color, shared experiences, and inside connecting jokes of interest and codexes, but at times I feel as if I forget this. I forget that there are other intelligently aware people surrounding me if I take the chance to reach out a little or do the correct prodding.

I am also working on trusting people to be good people more. While it is not as if I consciously or instinctively distrusted people, it was interesting to see that in cases of confusion and uncertainty, I withdraw and worry rather than trust them to be a capable human being that doesn't mean to harm me. They are doing the best they can with the given situation and how they move about it. They are not searching to do wrong, and it can be avoided with simple communication.

Geneva showed me a video of people dancing extraordinarily, and recently I watched a Youtube video on par kour combined with gymnastics and mixed martial arts. Then I went and climbed a tree. I feel as if I've touched on this before but the physical movement of it all is what, heh, moves me. I am beginning to feel more confident as if when one does something well, or becomes pretty good at a thing, there is this rhythm to it that can be translated from almost anything. I feel it when I write Japanese Calligraphy, in climbing, in dancing, in soccer, in TaeKwonDo, in piano, in cooking, and how one moves through a math problem. There is a beat, a movement to it all. A flow. Hopefully in time I well develop a better connection with amazing connectivity between environment and self. It feels so safe and so wonderful.

REMEMBER: Roleplaying
On situations and people doing what they can with what they have reminds me to continue topics I discussed with Tracy last year. I felt as if alot of problems in social relations between people be it groups, relationships, etc. occur from problems in role playing. It is something that I am simply used to doing. Partly being brought up in a way that emphasized not troubling anyone else unless you absolutely must, it became a tool that I have since developed. As I imagine actors must thoroughly research and understand the pressures on their character in order to play the role as authentically as possible, so too must others not underestimate just how much they have to imagine in order to simply make a good guess as to another's thoughts, feelings, possible reaction. When I imagine this process, I literally have to stop moving, close my eyes and focus entirely on how things would be from another's point of view.

This means my general view of them, the history I know and how I feel it would affect my decisions and priorities, what that persons goals might be, social relations, tendencies, stature and how that body would feel like, where its balance is, and what seems to be most important is how I would appear and be interpreted by that person. This means visualizing myself conversing or simply being there. How would I react to myself? How would THEY react to me? How do I even behave? At the end, all I have is a guess. After all of that work, depending on how well I know the person, I have to resign myself to simply have an educated guess to guide my future actions. Perhaps it is I who is the ignorant one and flawed in my ability to understand a basic Cooley Looking Glass Self in operation but it seems to me that most do not go this far. They skip and just get to the guessing without trying as hard as they can to mentally develop a realistic scenario.

Fall leaves and bouncy balls

Sitting in the library on a warm sunday afternoon surrounded by colors once more I feel as if I should make another small contribution. I believe that in this next week or so I will be doing a better job at updating things, particularly the drafts I started last year that were inspired after a few late night talks with Tracy. I'm still not sure exactly how much I should be adding to this blog. I recognize that it generally helps to write things down for contemplation later.
Nothing is small.

My original goal was to try and match, if not increase the number of posts from the last year, but I fear that with an increase in work, and a decrease in my /need/ to write it is becoming harder to remember how useful it is to just spit word shapes onto a screen.

At the moment green seaweed, black backdrop, white redorange baubles.
The otherday I spent alot of time listening to courage wolf. I have to say that it's quite empowering. Just the simple concept.
Just got and achieve something. Do whatever it takes, cast of opposition like petty droplets of rain desperately clinging to your coat. Not just achieve but go out and and ruthlessly destroy anything that could stop you. If you are defeated, WALK IT OFF.

I've also discovered somewhat the positive aspects of actually trusting people to make things wok our. Where I may have once just thought about all available information to overkill and then continue until I found a downward spiral of logic, it has saved considerable stress by just removing myself from the immediate metas and just letting people be people whom I will respond appropriately with. And if there is ever anything to be sure of, it is that people are very good at responding. They have to know what is going on of course, levels of perception are different after all. For instance I have no idea what sort of minor facial expressions I have made over the course of writing this post. However, I bet there's someone who may be very tuned into how their face moves. Some people are unable to report or comment on their emotions simply because they aren't tuned into that awareness level or minute detail. Even if they COULD there is no guarantee if they can accurately share their subjective experiences. Things get muddled. Things get stupid.

Don't ever underestimate your influence on others. Don't ever become over confident of your influence on others.

I have recently been putting a lot of thought towards this idea of mine I'm calling social gravity. Similar to relativity, if a planet's gravity warps the fabric of space time, what if individuals also have this sort of social gravity able to warp situations simply by being there. I have never thought of myself as being the origin point for this gravitational pull as, from my perspective, I generally don't offer all that much in social situations. I will either be talkative but not exactly essential to the conversations, more like added side-ins, or I draw myself in and observe silently. This year I have been noticing more and more how people, at least when around me, have started to pick up my mannerisms. Most of the entire Japanese house has taken up randomly beat boxing, or changing their voices when recounting a story dependent on the character speaking. To me these things are characteristic of someone is particularly charismatic which does not fit my own view of myself. I can't express how strange it is to think of myself as having an influence on people the same way I perceive others having an influence on myself.

I climbed a tree the other day and had a good talk with myself for about an hour. There is just something about getting up high above the modernity of my dailyhood and just sitting amongst some sturdy branches. The nostalgic smell of red maple and pigeons skimming my head in the late afternoon. Everything becomes still and simple. Complications like mosquitos only follow you up about thirty feet. Climb for escape, climb for perspective, climb for rhythm, climb for forward movement, climb for peace of mind and understanding.

Learn, be

Adapt

Listen

Make Flow.

Strategic Consciousness and Random Remember

Lately, in the past few days I have found that a brief 3 hour nap in the late afternoon allows for one to stay up and work very deeply into the night. This.. knowing when and not to be conscious, to be aware, poses a few questions.
By this method, it would seem that doing things later is in the better idea. Spending the day getting out all the distractions and reddit updates and then sleeping into work mode. This seems contrary to what was a growing rhythm.
Get it done now.
Action.
No waiting, only the present.
This clicks into a phenomenon that occurs when absorbing becomes self aware that it may, in fact, be hindering either an experience, or is unnecessary. A reboot is in order to clear all the search engines, connectors, remembering, and color empathy before taking things and responding on first impulse. It seems though, that this too has a monitor in order to terminate thoughts that reach second or third generation turn over to ensure spontaneous responses to stimuli and react through improve or intuition. But even these are, in some way, analytical. Finding timing and cues but just quieter, softer..

The Present is twisty and linear all at once. Absorbing all of it at once yields awareness and understanding, cogs turning, marvelous happenstance that the world has, at this location, with whatever history has happened, is unraveling this specific way right here right now. The stories that have such different origin's all coming to a head at a specific instant in time never to be quite as unique.
"People are good at talking, but not so much at listening." -Katie D.

Learning how to teach people how to listen is difficult if they are not used to it. I feel as if my moments where I know how to communicate what I say are random and beautiful when they happen. I can sense what I want to tell them, but if they are new to listening, then they won't pick out the important parts right way and often miss the perspective I want to weave. Or their ability to role play is limited by what information I give them and the way in which I present it. In order to teach others how to listen to me, I will have to learn how to become a better speaker. Those whom have a history will know the serious from the not, what I will pay attention to, and maybe have a 30% idea why.

I can't tell if others feel the gravity of things in the same way I perceive them. Especially struggle in inanimate, or organic materials. Their will and purpose they must strive to fulfill, if that couch is happy to be placed where it is, if a salt shaker gets lonely, or the insatiable garbage cans, laughing at how it tricks us into throwing it perfectly good food. Prompted from watching alot of anime where recently many characters across different series all express the same wants. 1) to be helpful to someone else, especially if they are a loved one, and 2) The ability to overcome any terrible tragedy through reception of a kind word from said cared one, or a special sea shell just for them. This insane drive to act in any way necessary to hold a promise.
This is really inspiring, and I can't tell if this is something just not found in our culture, if it has been forgotten, or only exists due to the over exaggeration of feelings and emotions often found in the anime medium.
Nothing is small.
To all the characters, and increasingly describing my perception of conversation, "Nothing is small."
It is not possible to perform an action, a spoken word, a twitch, a facial expression, and not have it mean something. Everything has a meaning.
I wonder how many others talk to those whom they peg as being "realistic" in order to discover, or reaffirm themselves that they are not insane, or at least not that much.

Writer's Block

At perhaps the most inopportune time, I am strangely relaxed with a back burner knowledge that I need to work more. I have seen what happens when i adopt this way of thinking, and I know that it's not going to be that positive if I just keep rolling in it. Probably the best solution would to walk away from this computer for a week. That would quickly get rid of my many tabs that i frequent, and certainly stop me from wandering to reddit or fark, or watching video game gameplay. It would also make me move from this dorm of people who also are looking for distractions and jump me when i'm weak. I also am regretting not only the lack of time I have spent to write things down, but also the lack of meaningful information that has been put up here lately. Most of them are in attempt to jump start something that I seem to have forgotten how to do properly, or at least in a way that could be put down on this screen. Wether this is the result of myself trusting to be able to deal with things more, or simply I am not still turning with insights. Then there is the regret and guilt that the answer is simply that I have had the time and have choose to ignore it, or not put in the time to carry my camera around to capture things. No capture, and no insight from lost things.

Everything at Once

(upon picking up a stick and twirling it somewhat)
"I should learn how to juggle, or at least fight with a staff or something."
A puzzled look and likewise response
"Why do you keep on doing this to yourself? You seem obsessed with time. Just slow down and stop trying to do all this stuff."
".but.. juggling would be cool."

I still have not yet understood why this conversation exists. I may be because I've said the same things about:
running, sprinting well, piano, cello, gymnastic-y things, break dancing, knitting, video games, hiking, knot tying, programing, math, psychology, japanese, music theory, literature, drawing, painting, origami, anime, manga, Marvel and D.C., good movies, cinematography, how a computer works, martial arts, calligraphy, graphitti, writing, how to gentleman, etc. ....manage time, do those special card trick cuts, play guitar...

Why do people seem alienated by the idea of learning all these things when I voice them? Are we as a generation already used and resigned to the idea of specialization? I admit that there will probably never be enough time in the world for me to be content with the amount of things that I want to learn given my time management skills and how interesting things will pop up and distract me.

I don't see my frustration with time as particularly referring to time, but the perceived potential of what I could achieve. If I just practice these things a little bit, I can do all of these activities averagely to slightly above average. I want to be able to walk in a room and play a piano, draw a good picture, write in elvish, tie a good knot. In order to do well I need to prepare, and in order to prepare I need to practice. In order to practice I need to start. Something that I am still getting used to. I need to begin the beginning so that I can start the end.

Late is the Preemptive

At this late (early) hour while eating M&M's and milk, I am beginning to understand more. Not so much something new but a feeling that had color before but is only now becoming something more accessible. The person that I am and that which I would like to become are ideas that seem to be coming into view more and more. For there to be a future, there must be a present action to get there. These decisions must be made carefully, and if they must spontaneously. While there is danger at perpetuating a "prepare" mode, I do not yet think that this is something of worry. It is a now familiar rhythm that comes and goes. I have been at the least, more aware of it in the last year of Great Calm. We do what we do at the moment because in that moment we believe it to be the right thing, the action in order to gain the best future, or the preferred future event. Even if that means simply to continue a routine, or create something new and dangerously exciting is trivial. There is a flow there is a purpose there is a meaning to this rhythm. I do not think that I will be disappointed if I follow it. After watching many episodes of Full Metal Alchemist again. There is a drive, and reminder to have purpose. Ideals are not to be taken lightly, and neither is a commitment to resolve.

There are too many things I have yet to read, yet to see, yet to learn, yet to practice. The knowledge of this is there but still... it has not been thrust into with devotion. I feel that it is possible to do this and still only add to the self without forgetting the oil. I need to fully try and commit to something. I have certainly tried very hard at various skills and various practices, but not fully. Not with everything. Only a glancing attempt, less than full. I need to understand the world so that I can work and live within it. I need to stretch my bounds so that I can confidently be confident. If I don't, what security do I actually have in myself?

There is an ideal.

It understands, and it is silhouetted in my mind. Failure to obtain or reach this state of being may have recurring effects that will last longer than what may be projected. I must advance, must move. I need to first be able to trust in myself and ensure that I can carry out simple tasks. Once past, then the work will begin.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist
It is high time I begin exchanging and work to learn.

Golden Gates and Frost Kingdom

The following year has been an interesting one to describe. More stable than most for sure, but still not devoid of its' own little quirks. Whitman was a huge part of this as well as finally getting out of high school. Despite I've now pretty much finished freshmen year, and do not like just how fast these days go by, I have done only a few of the things I originally set out to do. My writings are also a little more scattered. This may or may not a be a helpful sign. From the beginning of last year however, I would declare that while I may not be as colorful in my descriptions of self as I may at one time been, I most certainly can understand to a higher precision what I am feeling and why. Rooftop level thoughts are not quite so and are just as communicable as the rest of the house. This fall I had a lot of practice reviewing and applying for others which has helped reinforce my belief that I will be alright. I think I have been slowly actually putting trust in my self to not actively destroy things. I feel this is a little odd, but also a little empowering. There have been important realizations, or at least statements this year that will definitely be of use. The last year was one of Great attempted understanding. I will not be so bold yet as to say that I have achieved that, but this year is more certainly one of Great Calming. There has been an overall lack of stress all around, and I think I am better for it. I love my Whitman families and could not be happier at a college. I will continue to look toward growth, and will have to now begin to take actions to achieve goals. The next year hopefully will be one of the elusive action.

"Life is a forward motion"-Past Sam

Comsumption of the Summer

I am currently making a mental note to start writing down more posts now that a few things have happened. I have gotten my laptop, watched a good anime series, and have started playing wow. ASP this year was, as usual, a good experience to have and was probably beneficial to mine self. Still going to have to wait before I get back into the swing of being able honestly assess anything that I may or may not bee writing down on these notes but at the very least I suppose I need to start somewhere. After much difficulty most of my things have been moved over to the new laptop, but a few thousand photos and documents still need to be put into their place. I think the theme about this summer is going to be friend management and the ratio that I can approve of spending with their different groups. Clarity to issues and time according to due dates are still up in the air and as usual. There is hoping to be a moment in time where we can work on a treehouse somewhere on the farm, but its reality has yet to be fully recognized. Anticipation is still high for Whitman and I cannot wait to get out there. I really hope that we will be smart and allow time to hang out with Tracy. Other than that, events have been mellow and containable.

Take that future

Lately I have been trying to be more active in getting myself prepared for college whether that means making emma go running with me so that I can force myself to up hold an obligation and thus get things done, or by ordering large amounts of books from the library and making myself read them. The plan at the moment is to set up my future self to be in a position where it has to do things that will be advantageous for even the farther future self. Despite being assured to the contrary, I am still worried about possible lacking the adequatecy of a college student. To counter this I have started reading Gestalt Psychology books, and have ordered more on the way so that I can have a base come those classes. Slotting Japanese into my first year is also troubling. I don't know whether I should be watching anime, or trying to find a free online something, or get more books on it.
Unfortunate side effects include: literally zero motivation to do anything in school. It annoys me that I have not accomplished more in my time in shop especially. If I was serious about doing things I could have made so many things, but instead my procrastination has limited me to only a few. The same goes for art. I was not allowed to present this picture as it "was not mine" despite all I did was look at a smaller picture and then enlarge it on my own (I didn't trace anything).
I can't tell if I need people around me so that I can keep a picture of the world that includes more than just me, or if I need to be alone so that I can retract a little and get these things done. Current feeling is at level 4 I would say. After doing math on my math grade I can't fail it as long as I don't get a zero on my final, so I think I will be alright. I am a little sad philosophy is over. Even though I didn't learn anything, it was nice to have terminology for thoughts that I had, and a peace of mind that others were able to come to such a thought as well. I'm not crazy yet.

Ca-chooga

Little to really note apart that Philosophy is done, math is still trying to put me into a tar pit, but finally Whitman sent out a course catalog. For some reason I have been able to read pretty easily through the first hundred pages of small font. If I plan things out right, then I should be able to get through college without having to take a large amount of math. Right now looking at Japanese, neurobiology, and psychology as things that I will probably be proficient in. This feels so much like an rpg's skill tree it's ridiculous. Problem though is that this skill tree is trying to be more of everything than the usual level up a ton one aspect. Oh, I should remind myself to get my college schedule up so that I can plan things with people long term.
House is still the bane of my left over time. Ever stealing away precious hours that I have already predetermined for another activity. It's getting far enough along that I can't say that this house won't look nice, but it is to the point where I'd rather just come back from college and have it be completed.
School is finished in about 2 more weeks. Still need to finish projects and tshrits. Reminds me that I need to finish making a Full Metal Alchemist shirt to the joy of many. Transmutation circles are a little hard to put onto shirts due to small-ity of lines.
I suppose I am content at the moment. A recent xkcd has reminded me that many other people can in fact exist and relate to many situations or states of mind. This is reassuring.
I need to start drawing. Hopefully children's book can be completed

Blerg

It has been much time and yet very little has passed. Days are nothing but units of time in which I go to school and waste time. Luckily there isn't that much left of it, but all the same. Nothing happens. I think I will start to get my own books from the library soon and start reading them. English is a joke, and other classes are more motions than actual learning. Goals are currently just to not vere way left and fail something. Basically graduate and survive until college so I can start anew. Social interactions also are just as they have been or have not been. With such a small amount of time left in the year, any thoughts about changing this are futile. Change does not happen is so brief a time. Philosophy is fun, and I still procrastinate a dangerous amount. Focus now is on moving forward, and just putting on the blinders so that I don't need to think about too much. This has of late caused me to fall into an apathetic "go with the flow" mentality which I have always disliked being apart of. It annoys me that I haven't been up to writing more pages either here or in my notebooks, or drawing or what not. Seams to be impossible to drag thoughts of compatibility out entirely though which is sometimes good, sometimes not needed. Money is in need of getting. Can not wait until I finally get my own lap top though. That will be absolutely amazing. This has deteriorated into another rambling, but I will take it as a step forward into writing here again. I started making myself run with Emma. This has been useful in that I need to be running and doing something, and also that Emma doesn't get to hang out much anymore. On a side note, drinking vast amounts of energy drinks is alright as long as you do not need to fall asleep that night. A note to future self, you will just be laying there mad you can't fall asleep, and then the next day you will feel fine. Takes about 20 hours to finally end. Also note to future self. Stop impulse buying. Set a goal, and then get that. Set another goal, and save up. That's how you get the get the best drops for lasting. Having a camera, I should be taking much more pictures and carrying it with me to many more destinations. Taking pictures should force me to make better aware of what's going on around me and predict if i should have it on or not. I'm not entirely sure how I am feeling right now, but I feel as if that feeling would care what I decided to call it so it is probably around a level 3 darker gray.

I need to go on more walks.