I Got This

I have recently returned to Whitman after a long and necessary break. When I left, I was near convinced that lives were crumbling, options disappearing because of my own lack of tact, as well as being more personally affected by others problems than I had even initially intended. Work had taken over most of my day, and when it was time to unwind and sleep, all that came around was reminders of could-have-beens, and the worst possible interpretations of events under the guise of "at least then I'll be prepared when they happen".

Three times became one, and strings from the past pulled all too strongly in order for future projections to be lived in sickening realism and accuracy. It reminded me strongly of how I felt when I was kind of grabbing for things three years ago. It would have been a lot harder to get through the last week without my Whitman Family. So thank you Mari, thank you Diana, thank you Daniel, and thank you Spencer for being such a great roommate.

That being said, also thank you my Wisconsin brothers for the winter break. I am not sure when we will all be assembled again, but I was glad I could see everyone at least once. I am sorry I did not get to have a farm party mom. When I get back we will dance in the only way does with a puppy, pizza, and too much slippery hardwood floor.

I was happy to have seen Grandma and know that she is doing a little better. I am a little shaken by how well I was able to accurately guess how the scene was presented to me. It was good to be able to talk to her and know that she might be out by spring. I look forward to spending time with you the next summer I am home.

The last semester was, looking back, filled with awkward gaps and runs of motion. While things really didn't move all that differently from freshmen year, I just feel as if something... wasn't quite there. In many ways it was much better and much healthier, but I feel as if my momentum was not always very constant. This semester, this moment in time I am reminded that if things are to be done, I must be the one to place the foundation stone by stone. I am back with my friends, and some of the people I trust the most if some unforeseeable thing happens to spring. I am not breathing quite as quickly, and I know that this equilibrium is not going to be disrupted. I am reminded of a Bill Nye the Science Guy episode on solids and liquids.

I am a liquid, happy and unafraid to fill unfamiliar and empty containers.

There's too much to do, but there is exactly enough time to do it.

Starting...now.

Recontinued Remember pt. 4

Three times at once.

This is a topic that I am not sure I can speak for many people on either thorough observation, or guessing at possible perspectives. For my own introspective curiosity then, I will try to describe what I mean by my perception of time and how hard it is sometimes to remain in one specific period for too long.
When I think about time, It comes to me as this foggy path with a orange glowing strand of string running back as far as I can see, and as far infront of me into the fog as I can tell. When I am looking to understand a past event, guess my present condition, or guess a future action, all three are extremely persistant in vying for my attention. It is, from my observations of others, easier for me than others to become trapped in the past, or removed into the future. I have become pretty good at removing myself from the present and have had numerous times where I feel as if my central core of thought and mind is not located within my body, but rather from a third person view, seeing myself as a character moving through some motions while I am held to watch in an objective attention. What this person does doesn't mean anything to me. I wonder how he will rectify this, or solve that. Whether the ease to which I can slip into this mode is a side effect of practicing effective roleplaying, or if this has actually helped me take other's points of view I cannot say. It is a little difficult to explain how one thinks of three separate times simultaneously, but that is, I think, the best word for it. I relive my mistakes in the same instant that I move to make sure they do not repeat themselves, as well as try my best to realistically imagine how my life might be better or worse because of my actions or words. It is bizarre, because it happens so fast, and sometimes both fast, and for a long time. Almost like a..semi controlled panic attack that jumps planes. What I think is important to note is that I do not just remember or imagine the past and future, but I live them. Touch, smell, tone, lighting, objects, emotions, how hard my hand is clenched, where I am located in my house, in the state, in the world, what the weather is like, how others around me have spoken, or will speak, how full I am, what background noises am I hearing. This is what I mean. This is why it is hard for me to stay in one place because at times I am living three lives at once, and despite their overlapping, it is still chaotic.

Looking into the fog, I can roughly see where the line of light has disappeared, but from there, the strand becomes less obvious and splits into a multitude of paths. Looking back I can see the rainbow of decisions and course alterations.
"It is today already, but it is not Tomorrow yet."
-Me

Or, perhaps an even deeper third layer that is the same as the first.

I am working on getting a good photo assemblage for this post. Looking back over the last year has been interesting. All the things that happen even when I swear this last semester had very few things that actually had import to them. My camera and posts disagree slightly on this point. I often have trouble remembering that spring and the end of fall consist of the "last" year. Most notably I found another base and a better understanding of what my own personal motivations are. I still have a pretty good idea what I'm shooting for, and I know I can achieve what I'm trying to do. Just need to do it now. I would agree with last years conclusion that the house is doing a better job with communicating and not being a jerk to one another.

This last semester has been more of a struggle than it had to be in nearly every category. Particularly at the beginning and end when I wasn't sure if it was going to be my last semester at Whitman, or if people at home were doing ok, or if I was going to be able to get back home to see people. Perhaps most importantly I found someone to talk to and keep me together when I felt as if I would like nothing more than to squish myself into a corner and come apart. Having gotten through the worst time I've had in recent years now in the past, I can finally try and stand up again and keep moving.

This year I've tried and meddled that only spread too thin and lacked the agression of learning correctly or the traditions of thought and conduct. I understand I'll never quite live up to the standards I've set for myself, but I can certainly get close.

Remember the oil in the spoon, but take the time to pick your head up and see.

Destroy mountains, create wonders, draw slowly, and rest peacefully.
Close your eyes and feel. Carefully stretch your consciousness; wander and understand.

feel strongly,





live beautifully.
-Past Sam

Begin: a Year of Placement

What I need to remember.

Everything in circles. Finishs so you can start. Start so you can find the middle.

Since I'm Here. Recontinued Remember: pt 3

Since I've just been talking with people for what is now five hours already I must resign myself that I'm not going to be doing homework today. I also haven't been writing. Now that I have had a warm up I feel moved to note down a few things.

Over this weekend I began to be come so calm about the way things were that that lack of commotion or problems in it of itself seemed to be problem. When things seem fine I am inclined to look for the problem that I am over looking. It is usually a misinterpretation, something misunderstood or straight out ignored. I was reminded this night that my sister is not the only one I can converse with at a high level of understanding. Granted, I would be hard pressed to say that any one ever will be able to get onto our level of color, shared experiences, and inside connecting jokes of interest and codexes, but at times I feel as if I forget this. I forget that there are other intelligently aware people surrounding me if I take the chance to reach out a little or do the correct prodding.

I am also working on trusting people to be good people more. While it is not as if I consciously or instinctively distrusted people, it was interesting to see that in cases of confusion and uncertainty, I withdraw and worry rather than trust them to be a capable human being that doesn't mean to harm me. They are doing the best they can with the given situation and how they move about it. They are not searching to do wrong, and it can be avoided with simple communication.

Geneva showed me a video of people dancing extraordinarily, and recently I watched a Youtube video on par kour combined with gymnastics and mixed martial arts. Then I went and climbed a tree. I feel as if I've touched on this before but the physical movement of it all is what, heh, moves me. I am beginning to feel more confident as if when one does something well, or becomes pretty good at a thing, there is this rhythm to it that can be translated from almost anything. I feel it when I write Japanese Calligraphy, in climbing, in dancing, in soccer, in TaeKwonDo, in piano, in cooking, and how one moves through a math problem. There is a beat, a movement to it all. A flow. Hopefully in time I well develop a better connection with amazing connectivity between environment and self. It feels so safe and so wonderful.

REMEMBER: Roleplaying
On situations and people doing what they can with what they have reminds me to continue topics I discussed with Tracy last year. I felt as if alot of problems in social relations between people be it groups, relationships, etc. occur from problems in role playing. It is something that I am simply used to doing. Partly being brought up in a way that emphasized not troubling anyone else unless you absolutely must, it became a tool that I have since developed. As I imagine actors must thoroughly research and understand the pressures on their character in order to play the role as authentically as possible, so too must others not underestimate just how much they have to imagine in order to simply make a good guess as to another's thoughts, feelings, possible reaction. When I imagine this process, I literally have to stop moving, close my eyes and focus entirely on how things would be from another's point of view.

This means my general view of them, the history I know and how I feel it would affect my decisions and priorities, what that persons goals might be, social relations, tendencies, stature and how that body would feel like, where its balance is, and what seems to be most important is how I would appear and be interpreted by that person. This means visualizing myself conversing or simply being there. How would I react to myself? How would THEY react to me? How do I even behave? At the end, all I have is a guess. After all of that work, depending on how well I know the person, I have to resign myself to simply have an educated guess to guide my future actions. Perhaps it is I who is the ignorant one and flawed in my ability to understand a basic Cooley Looking Glass Self in operation but it seems to me that most do not go this far. They skip and just get to the guessing without trying as hard as they can to mentally develop a realistic scenario.

Youth

Weekend Topics: Recontinued Remember pt:1

These are some things that I have been noticing, and have tried to narrow down exactly what it is that make people seem so different from me in terms of the way they think. On the base level I feel as if people should be able to come to the same word-form conclusion that I come to, but I feel as if the path to get there is very different, and in the end changes the importance, or how personal the realization is.
"Nothing is small"

Future planning.
People may try to plan for the future, but I do not see them do it in the same way that I do. To me it seems to be more of a conscious attempt at a potential action rather than a scheduled event. I will be participating in it, and i need to think about the realistic situation in which I will be experiencing. I need think about the way it is going to smell, how crowded a thing may or may not be, that point where you look out and see someone you recognize but don't know wether to wave at them or not. Or if you may get flustered momentarily by someone your trying to impress. These all need to be considered. Returning to an idea of preparation. I am not sure if I can name something that I don't have to mentally prepare myself for before doing it. There is always a sonar ping, some "if this happens, I will say this" stretching required before going out and running with it. It is almost because of this that, in accordance with a later description of Role-Playing that it is almost pointless to go to most events that only deviate slightly, or make it so much easier to rationalize not going somewhere. I can imagine the situation, the buzz, the atmosphere, the dimness of the lights, a packed room with too many people and bouncing ping pong balls. Who is there with me, the words they will say and cause me to say words, etc. It becomes thought of. After practically experiencing it in real life I then make a decision if that is indeed the future that I want to participate in. Is that the future I want to have as part of my experience?

This preparation has played a large part in deciding what kind of person I want to be, and who I have become. In order to deal with a predicted event, I should be able to do ______ thing. In order to have that ability, or knowledge, I should practice this new skill, or increase my knowledge about this. The only other route is to explore the future image long enough to discover what exactly I am looking for and how I should realistically expect to achieve it.

Good Times You Can Set Your Watch To

This will lullaby me to sleep for the next week.

Elfen Lied

Lately I've been poking along, getting things through in an old and familiar manner. I've done better job at organizing my things around me to remind myself of life and good things. Lately pandora has been very helpful, playing songs that have been matched perfectly to what I need. Over the last weekend I got caught up in looking for some more anime to watch having been reunited with Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. The Elric brothers have done a lot for me in the past, and look like they will continue to. However, I searched and found Elfen Lied thanks to Ryan Will. Much like Ergo Proxy that was also lent, this story was very original. It has it's own color that I associate with it after finishing the closed manga. Despite how graphic the anime and manga are, I think that it is necessary. At the moment I am still unwrapping things and unsure how to say words so I will have to come back here later and tell them again. Connectiveness with these characters was possible, and despite any initial annoyances, the series is very well done. Very dark with shades of comedy, and a discussion of belonging, and what it means to be human. I wish they had waited for the manga to finish so that they could have done the whole thing.

I need to learn how to draw.

Below is a small exert of several episodes in a music video that properly portrays the feel of the anime.

Amber, 45 degree upper left crimson clouds perspective

Thanks Tracy
music
Social Psychology has been very reassuring that I am pursuing something that is of great interest. Reading is not a chore, and I may soon just go ahead and finish the book. This is the psychology I am interested in and most familiar with. This is a class that I feel I must do well at and cannot fail. Productivity has stalled over the last week, but it is making a return. Refresh, reboot, step forward. I watched a few episodes of Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood again this weekend. After taking breaks in between watching large amounts of the show I am always hit with a very heavy, very real realization. Ed and Al never, NEVER stop trying. They never stop moving forward. They have a goal, and they not only strive for this with everything they have, but they do not lose their own identities through their fight. They have seen people killed, murdered, tortured, sacrificed. They have only each other, and have barely any friends who they can speak to about their past, or uncovered secrets. A particular scene that sticks with me is in the original series in which they come to Tuckers house to prepare for their State Alchemy Exam. Al is admiring the books and exclaims at how many there are and how cool it'll be to read them all. As he waits for Ed's response, he looks down and sees his older brother already half way through a book reading furiously.
"He's already started." Al jokes.

No hesitation. Always motion. Always learning, and the courage to confront the many obstacles that threaten to kill them.

At the least I am realizing these things and can try to keep up with them.

The other notice-ment is that of the dangers of mulling. I am good at it. I have much practice. I can understand things very well. However, that which is being understood must have been an actual event, which actual facts, and actual intents. Substitute intents only work so far, and usually for the wrong conclusion. "If we stop worrying, and fighting about time, I think we'll find that it's really on our side."-Scrubs episode. I want this to be true. I want to be able to stop thinking about right moments, situations, and how to time words. I need to work on teaching others how to listen and understanding that they already know how to.

Squeal!

Color of a Rhythm

Late is the Preemptive

At this late (early) hour while eating M&M's and milk, I am beginning to understand more. Not so much something new but a feeling that had color before but is only now becoming something more accessible. The person that I am and that which I would like to become are ideas that seem to be coming into view more and more. For there to be a future, there must be a present action to get there. These decisions must be made carefully, and if they must spontaneously. While there is danger at perpetuating a "prepare" mode, I do not yet think that this is something of worry. It is a now familiar rhythm that comes and goes. I have been at the least, more aware of it in the last year of Great Calm. We do what we do at the moment because in that moment we believe it to be the right thing, the action in order to gain the best future, or the preferred future event. Even if that means simply to continue a routine, or create something new and dangerously exciting is trivial. There is a flow there is a purpose there is a meaning to this rhythm. I do not think that I will be disappointed if I follow it. After watching many episodes of Full Metal Alchemist again. There is a drive, and reminder to have purpose. Ideals are not to be taken lightly, and neither is a commitment to resolve.

There are too many things I have yet to read, yet to see, yet to learn, yet to practice. The knowledge of this is there but still... it has not been thrust into with devotion. I feel that it is possible to do this and still only add to the self without forgetting the oil. I need to fully try and commit to something. I have certainly tried very hard at various skills and various practices, but not fully. Not with everything. Only a glancing attempt, less than full. I need to understand the world so that I can work and live within it. I need to stretch my bounds so that I can confidently be confident. If I don't, what security do I actually have in myself?

There is an ideal.

It understands, and it is silhouetted in my mind. Failure to obtain or reach this state of being may have recurring effects that will last longer than what may be projected. I must advance, must move. I need to first be able to trust in myself and ensure that I can carry out simple tasks. Once past, then the work will begin.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist
It is high time I begin exchanging and work to learn.

Expansion on an explosive slow

Always a lack of action.

From the Well..

There is only so much one can do. There is a difference between reality and mental cognition of perception and recalling of details. I hope I can remember that.

Mask of a Proxy

Remembering patience, value and time, I am still having trouble with staying in the concrete now.









From: The Alchemist
A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.

The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

“Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something”, said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. “As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”.

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

“Well”, asked the wise man, “Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world”, said the wise man. “You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”.

Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?” asked the wise man. Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

“Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you”, said the wisest of wise men. “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon”.

System pt. 1

There is an underlying rhythm to these movements. It is a dull vibration throughout the environment, and I can at least feel it getting closer. There have been times that I've played in tune with it be it using a guitar or piano. I know it can be integrated into work and speech and life. I feel as if I've seen it done as well, and have had to appreciate the acoustics from a far. However, with concentration and dedication I feel as if I can not only grasp this, but internalize. There is hope, but being a vibration, I am still unsure which direction it is originating, or what is the source. It feels like momentum, and a familiar orange wrapped in green feeling. It is organization, it is music, it is rustling leaves, it is a curious duck.
There is a web that I can manipulate, and the only obstacle is my own will. There is too much to learn in not enough time, and too much time that is being wasted.

No life without growth,
No growth without change,
No change without death

Am at peace

Identification

"In the sense of consciousness as articulate and self-conscious reflection, an emotion can become conscious only if one has ( at the minimum) a language with which to 'label' it and articulate its constituent judgments."
-Emotions and Philosophy


This needs further refinement so that I can take better notice of it.

Breathe