Trail of Questions

I was just thinking the this last week about how people are defined, how they define themselves. As a not so recent Batman movie put it, "It's not our words, but our actions that define us". I'm not so sure. Or, at the least I'd like to put a different spin on it. We are defined by the questions we ask, or perhaps by which questions we seek the answers to.

Spaces

Yet another research paper, yet another 3am post. I am not enjoying the pattern in these schedules.

I feel like I need to start drawing again. I need to return to my world of creation and shapes. Once, I was nearly to the edge. I was close. I was close enough that I could pear over the precipice and see the downward slope toward the grove of goals. They were right there.

Every now and then I need to remember that I am stretched thin. I am so used, so at ease to be thinking in multiple times, multiple places, and maneuver through the world on the fly. It is how I am. It is me. It is what I do.
But I am tired.

I am really, really tired.

I am in too many places. I am in too many times. I am not here. I am not when. I am not what.

There is no chance for a full revival. Only stim packs and the random chanced upon reminder. A fleeting shimmer. A green leaf amongst a sea of yellow.
Too many traps. Too many dwellings. Too many don't matter. Not enough matter.
Stop. Move. Flow. Settle. Be. Expand, but return home. Travel forth, but hold a spoonful of oil. Drink from the sea and wrap yourself in the lonely, fickle wind. Give it a friend for the moment. Show it softness in order to remember your own softness and grip. Breathe. Find your motion. Find your cycle.
Find your place.
Retract. Center. Find security, find safety. Find a hill to roll down. Find a tree to climb. Let its slow hands reach up and lift you in its concerned skyward embrace.
Make yellow dance against a backdrop of seafoam orbs and lavender oranges.
Touch colors, smell the sights, taste the music.
Remember.



**reboot.



grow.

A Lesson in Mobility

I am sometimes very curious and very interested in my ability to move my body from one location to the next. I just... get up and enter a new world. I can do that if I want to. I can go anywhere as long as I have either practiced running enough to get there, or climbing enough to get to another branch or hold.
Today I hovered my torso over to the Japanese House to make some food and then eat it in the Sun. It helped remind me. I can just do things I don't know how to do without preparing. I can screw up making sushi and it will be ok. As long as I remain concentrated of self, I can move. I can commit to an action and then present it to those around me.

As I've said many times before now I'm sure, "I think I can finally start being confident in my motions and do what I intend to". This idea is still lacking I feel in the ability to bring it to action rather than mentally accepted. This second semester has done quite a bit in terms of ability to swim better and learn the flow.
Things that too often are forgotten I feel:
-"This world, I think we like it"-Makoto Shinkai
-Teaching others to learn to listen. They want to, but sometimes we forget.
-I am a capable human being. I can do anything I want to, and achieve whatever goal I have. Nothing is too high, nothing is unreasonable if one tries hard enough to reach it.
-Patience
-People are orbs of light. Their bodies the way I interact with them, their minds in how I know them.
-No live with out growth, no growth without change, no change without death.

Psychology

One part being forced into a decision by time of meetings and wants, I think I have discovered a more real reason for studying psychology. It is a little interesting that psycho-analyzing things, especially relationships has such a negative stigma. A robot like scientist objectively observing something that can't just be simplified into words and then trying to interpret from such a removed stance. The reason this is interesting is because this is the exact oposite reason for finally deciding to Psych major. After flip flopping for a while I was able to word reasons a little better. I want to be able to understand people. I want to be able to be such an interpreter of their complete person (words, movements, choices) that I can connect with them on an even deeper subjective level. At first I thought it was just to figure out why people were stupid at understanding perspectives. How could people see the same thing and get so many ridiculous stances and beliefs from just a simple recall of a common memory? That seemed dumb, and dangerous. If one wants to even argue what it is to be human, then I would give a strong fight for the capacity to think cognitively. If you can understand someone else's mind, then you have broken through so many barriers. There is nothing else more special to any individual than their own consciousness. The ability to just have a better idea as to how to it... that makes for something that to me seems very not removed from the situation. That seems more to me the ability to actually know the core of another human being. Psychology is not the de-mystification of the mind, transforming people into automatons who control surprisingly little, but in fact another class in understanding. I would love to have the time to take more classes here to further this lofty goal, but for the now I'll have to be content.

I just want to know people better. if they would make it easier then i wouldn't have to study them and i could be taking art classes or philosophy, or science

-Me

Nothing Ever helps

Snow in Spring

Walks late at night in a semi warm Portland, good food, co-incidence,

This is another book that I need to reread at a later date and immerse myself in. Despite being in the West, it clearly and vividly reminded me of the Midwest and my home. What I am and what Wisconsin is, and how that carries back to me. My childhood and my identity were momentarily refreshed. Long snowed in days where in a particular drift you make a store for people to admire your different and unique icicles. where you stay out on a dark hill by the barn that is only illuminated by a far off blue of the mysterious Night Light that just comes on whenever it is dark. How that lonely light skips and reflects off of frail clumps falling from the sky. Arms outstretched, clothed in thick bundles standing triumphantly on your creation only to run back up the hill breatheless and tube down again on a track that is finally smooth enough for speed.

I remember.

I remember everything.

Just Maybe

I forget the exact time, but I remembered something I posted earlier this year, and was more aware a thing.
A shift of thinking from "How will a Sam deal with those around him and the world" to "How will those around me and the world deal with a Sam?"

(Pic to be added later)

Interesting..

"All in moderation.
Including moderation itself.

-AJATT Blog

Good Times You Can Set Your Watch To

This will lullaby me to sleep for the next week.

Late is the Preemptive

At this late (early) hour while eating M&M's and milk, I am beginning to understand more. Not so much something new but a feeling that had color before but is only now becoming something more accessible. The person that I am and that which I would like to become are ideas that seem to be coming into view more and more. For there to be a future, there must be a present action to get there. These decisions must be made carefully, and if they must spontaneously. While there is danger at perpetuating a "prepare" mode, I do not yet think that this is something of worry. It is a now familiar rhythm that comes and goes. I have been at the least, more aware of it in the last year of Great Calm. We do what we do at the moment because in that moment we believe it to be the right thing, the action in order to gain the best future, or the preferred future event. Even if that means simply to continue a routine, or create something new and dangerously exciting is trivial. There is a flow there is a purpose there is a meaning to this rhythm. I do not think that I will be disappointed if I follow it. After watching many episodes of Full Metal Alchemist again. There is a drive, and reminder to have purpose. Ideals are not to be taken lightly, and neither is a commitment to resolve.

There are too many things I have yet to read, yet to see, yet to learn, yet to practice. The knowledge of this is there but still... it has not been thrust into with devotion. I feel that it is possible to do this and still only add to the self without forgetting the oil. I need to fully try and commit to something. I have certainly tried very hard at various skills and various practices, but not fully. Not with everything. Only a glancing attempt, less than full. I need to understand the world so that I can work and live within it. I need to stretch my bounds so that I can confidently be confident. If I don't, what security do I actually have in myself?

There is an ideal.

It understands, and it is silhouetted in my mind. Failure to obtain or reach this state of being may have recurring effects that will last longer than what may be projected. I must advance, must move. I need to first be able to trust in myself and ensure that I can carry out simple tasks. Once past, then the work will begin.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist
It is high time I begin exchanging and work to learn.

On the Eve of Eve

Important to note:
Theme song



Spread color over your baren winter landscape through work of mind and life.

Expansion on an explosive slow

Always a lack of action.

Forgetting

"Writing Kanji is all about forgetting. You struggle and forget a kanji and then you have to look it up and write it down. Then later you forget it again and again but each time you forget it you are a little quicker to remember it."

-Professor Akira Takemoto

Realization

If there is something I wish to achieve, or an evironment, situation, etc. in the future, I have to do something about it. I have to be the one to put each piece in place. Otherwise it won't get done and nothing will move forward. Reality is a sum of actions. In order to be a part of it, you must continue to place one step forward or else someone will act in your stead.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. In order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is the first rule of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist

also, while looking for this quote:
"..I ignored every sign post because I was reckless and I wanted it bad enough."-Edward Elric (FMA).

"When I was certain that he was going to kill me, my mind went blank and I didn't have any hope anymore. The only thing I could do was scream my lungs out. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even bring myself to believe someone might save me. Then you showed up Al, and I realized if we don't take care of each other, then no one else will. So I will do anything in my power to get our bodies back..."

Inspiration

System pt. 1

There is an underlying rhythm to these movements. It is a dull vibration throughout the environment, and I can at least feel it getting closer. There have been times that I've played in tune with it be it using a guitar or piano. I know it can be integrated into work and speech and life. I feel as if I've seen it done as well, and have had to appreciate the acoustics from a far. However, with concentration and dedication I feel as if I can not only grasp this, but internalize. There is hope, but being a vibration, I am still unsure which direction it is originating, or what is the source. It feels like momentum, and a familiar orange wrapped in green feeling. It is organization, it is music, it is rustling leaves, it is a curious duck.
There is a web that I can manipulate, and the only obstacle is my own will. There is too much to learn in not enough time, and too much time that is being wasted.

No life without growth,
No growth without change,
No change without death

Thankful

 

Assassins

From Whitman

It has begun. Not too much has changed just yet. Equilibrium is slowly swirling down to settling. I feel as if there is plenty of time to get everything I want to have done, but I am not utilizing my time well, as always. Friends are becoming more abundant which is of especial joy. I need to remember to keep drawing and reading when I don't have things to do. Pictures too. I have been lax.

From Whitman

Despite I died within 24 hours of assassins (very sketchy kill) things are inversely growing and connectivity is becoming alive. Tendrils are forming and this pleases me much.

I live here now.

From Whitman

And this is indeed my home.

I have done a good job today. /content/

From Whitman

Identification

"In the sense of consciousness as articulate and self-conscious reflection, an emotion can become conscious only if one has ( at the minimum) a language with which to 'label' it and articulate its constituent judgments."
-Emotions and Philosophy


This needs further refinement so that I can take better notice of it.

Gears

Thanks future Tracy.