Emergence

I have barely used this blog at all this year. I also have not written much in my journal, or any of these things that I already have a record for not doing.

And yet. Here we are.

 As I mentioned last year, I think I actually am accomplishing more than I am giving myself credit for. From last year, I completed AKP, I got to see Noriko again and visit Ghibli. I traveled all around Japan, and traveled well. I learned a little more about just asking people for things, information, or favors. Grandma died, and I am still working through that when the topic is broached. I got home, and I got an A in my biology course. I got to see Alex again, and launched into school. After a 37 hour car trip, Karen Tracy and I got to Whitman and the rest is history.Spencer and I have been a delightful roommate pair and the house has been helping us both respectively figure our shit out.

I let Skyrim and Halo happen a little too much, as well as reddit.

Over the summer, while at Mari's cabin, I came into the better realization that the people who get ahead and do things, just keep working. I've even mentioned as much here on this blog, but I started internalizing it a little more. And I realized how simple that actually is. Most people are lazy, and don't apply themselves. Even if you just do 30 minutes a day, you're better off than so, so many others. And that brings me back to here. I'm glad I brought up batman last year. I needed to read that. I'm doing a good job at rounding out my skills and knowledge base. But it can be better. I need to start doing and building and working. I need my weekdays to be workdays, and my weekends to be for play. I need to forge myself before I charge ahead into this new life that awaits me after college. There is still a rough and tough battle between there and now. I am able, I just hope I prepare properly. The first challenge will be writtens. If I am worth my beans, I will start figuring that out. But I am tired of essays, tests, of academia. I need to be able to do my projects. I mean to take a gap year at home, and I want to build. I want to shut up and put my money where my mouth is. I've flippantly vomited my plans onto anyone who will listen. Let's get our tools. Let's get our plans, and let's build miracles.
End: A Year of Placement
Begin: A Year of Building

Minimal Maximal

I have been doing a lot this year. I feel like I have not done a good job actually letting myself know how much stuff I've been doing this year. I have learned how to speak ok Japanese. I have learned what a computer is. I have learned basical survival readings. I have started narrowing down my thesis topics, gotten knowledgable about politics and the state of things.

I have learned how to be happy with less. Spencer and I often point out that there may actually come a time where we don't find ourselves wanting things. Right now I don't actually need to buy any more things. I need housing and stuff, but apart from the day to day life, I have books, games, computers and other unnecessary things. Through a mess of factors including understanding more of the political scene, being a little more environmentally aware, and understanding how much of my life has been influenced by American consumerism, I have stumbled on myself striving to start anew. I think I know what I want in a lifestyle, and I think I know what I don't want. The tricky part is removing the later. I don't need many things from my past. They sit around as physical reminders, holding me from time to time, but do not free me.

I am going to miss leaving Japan, but I am very excited for returning to America. I have ideas. I think I can do them. I know I have the ability. I need to royally get my ass in gear where homework and reading is involved, but I think everything will work out.

Another musing is just realizing how amazing any form of income will be. I am worried that I may not find a job right away but even if that is the case, just living on my own somewhere where I can have some peace of mind and my own personal zen hut will be wonderful. Granted, I need to get student loans out of the way. Those will be the hardest thing of all. I hope that maybe by the time I'm 30 I will be rid of them D:

Just the idea that I could potentially have $1000 as my PLAY money is amazing. I fully understand how easy it is for that to disappear with bills and living expenses or houses and cars, but seriously... That's a lot of play money. That is an "Oh. I guess I'll travel. Oh, I guess I get a sick new computer. Oh, I guess I get several hundreds of books. Oh I guess I eat like double the king I was last year. Oh I'll just make it rain cause I can. Oh I'll just pay someone to install kinnect into my house and make my home a living interface."

That's what throws me for a loop. I can just get things if I were to care to.

Even the fact I can be like "eh. don't like living here. To somewhere in Japan, or elsewhere in the world" astounds me. So much power...

I realize I have to get there first, but I'd like to think I have several ok paths infront of me. Bad case scenario, I go and work as starbucks or something. Either way. Will cling to Takemoto and his knowing placement of people.

I am excited to get back to Whitman and start practicing my new life. I think I have done well to make some steps, and I am excited to start not buying things anymore. The list will slowly get whittled away until I can just up and do anything on a whim. That would be the best. Ever.

Dive back into the grey and Portles of the Land

Happy post Thanks giving,

Covering time from about Tuesday on, there finally was a large amount of snow in the Wallas to the point that it was definitely a winter. The really cold happened after we left but for the time being it was nice to have a winter with everyone who usually don't get that much snow. Before heading out things got pretty gobbled and sticky feeling so it was a little bit hard to fully enjoy or be bound to the present. Too much in too many places needed to be thought of at the same time and is one of the first times in a while that I've let that happen. The time that transpired after this, however, was some of the most precisely applied aid I've seen yet.
Thank you Mari for everything. The 48ish hours I guested at your house was exactly what I needed. Thank you for the conversation, perspective, and laid-backedness. Thanks for the remember, and thanks for making the invitation in the first place because I probably would not have asked to stay over. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Portland greeted me with one of the best nerd dens I've seen in a while. So much anime, so much games, so much potential, it is lovely. There will be par cour, there has and will be good food, and as most breaks happen are ending too quickly. I finally was able to meet T1 (Trace) and that was wonderful. He gave me a flute he made so now I must learn how to play it well.

I will add to this post with another post later when I have a little more time in the day to properly explain this break and what is up.

Since I'm Here. Recontinued Remember: pt 3

Since I've just been talking with people for what is now five hours already I must resign myself that I'm not going to be doing homework today. I also haven't been writing. Now that I have had a warm up I feel moved to note down a few things.

Over this weekend I began to be come so calm about the way things were that that lack of commotion or problems in it of itself seemed to be problem. When things seem fine I am inclined to look for the problem that I am over looking. It is usually a misinterpretation, something misunderstood or straight out ignored. I was reminded this night that my sister is not the only one I can converse with at a high level of understanding. Granted, I would be hard pressed to say that any one ever will be able to get onto our level of color, shared experiences, and inside connecting jokes of interest and codexes, but at times I feel as if I forget this. I forget that there are other intelligently aware people surrounding me if I take the chance to reach out a little or do the correct prodding.

I am also working on trusting people to be good people more. While it is not as if I consciously or instinctively distrusted people, it was interesting to see that in cases of confusion and uncertainty, I withdraw and worry rather than trust them to be a capable human being that doesn't mean to harm me. They are doing the best they can with the given situation and how they move about it. They are not searching to do wrong, and it can be avoided with simple communication.

Geneva showed me a video of people dancing extraordinarily, and recently I watched a Youtube video on par kour combined with gymnastics and mixed martial arts. Then I went and climbed a tree. I feel as if I've touched on this before but the physical movement of it all is what, heh, moves me. I am beginning to feel more confident as if when one does something well, or becomes pretty good at a thing, there is this rhythm to it that can be translated from almost anything. I feel it when I write Japanese Calligraphy, in climbing, in dancing, in soccer, in TaeKwonDo, in piano, in cooking, and how one moves through a math problem. There is a beat, a movement to it all. A flow. Hopefully in time I well develop a better connection with amazing connectivity between environment and self. It feels so safe and so wonderful.

REMEMBER: Roleplaying
On situations and people doing what they can with what they have reminds me to continue topics I discussed with Tracy last year. I felt as if alot of problems in social relations between people be it groups, relationships, etc. occur from problems in role playing. It is something that I am simply used to doing. Partly being brought up in a way that emphasized not troubling anyone else unless you absolutely must, it became a tool that I have since developed. As I imagine actors must thoroughly research and understand the pressures on their character in order to play the role as authentically as possible, so too must others not underestimate just how much they have to imagine in order to simply make a good guess as to another's thoughts, feelings, possible reaction. When I imagine this process, I literally have to stop moving, close my eyes and focus entirely on how things would be from another's point of view.

This means my general view of them, the history I know and how I feel it would affect my decisions and priorities, what that persons goals might be, social relations, tendencies, stature and how that body would feel like, where its balance is, and what seems to be most important is how I would appear and be interpreted by that person. This means visualizing myself conversing or simply being there. How would I react to myself? How would THEY react to me? How do I even behave? At the end, all I have is a guess. After all of that work, depending on how well I know the person, I have to resign myself to simply have an educated guess to guide my future actions. Perhaps it is I who is the ignorant one and flawed in my ability to understand a basic Cooley Looking Glass Self in operation but it seems to me that most do not go this far. They skip and just get to the guessing without trying as hard as they can to mentally develop a realistic scenario.

10/20/2010

BUUURrrr.
: )

-pics and wandering to be added later

Forward

It is time to get work done, son.

Just Maybe

I forget the exact time, but I remembered something I posted earlier this year, and was more aware a thing.
A shift of thinking from "How will a Sam deal with those around him and the world" to "How will those around me and the world deal with a Sam?"

(Pic to be added later)

Good Times You Can Set Your Watch To

This will lullaby me to sleep for the next week.

Chewy Bar

I've recently returned back to Whitman after being home for the first time in about six months. The break was much needed, but was not complete until I returned. With fresh memories, I now can better compare today to last week. I am so happy that I live here. I was unable to get to my room without first being hugged by everyone in the first two sections, my own, and then a mass section hug. There was too much care going on. These are the people whom I am going to live with for the next few years, and I am confident that I am in capable hands. Here I feel a more intense concentration of self, or at the least I am aware of it more. I am safe here, and I can live here.
I need to stay focused and keep going. I need to keep writing here if only to help fuel my momentum. As usual. Work needs to be done. Today is a great time to start.

Keep playing piano.

Keep moving.

Like the Alchemist who tried to make gold out of lead, I must first try.

Inspiration

Breathe

YEEEESSSSS!!!!

OMG!

Color

i kinda stole this from Tracy... it was too good though. i needed it. i've already replayed it around 9 times.
thanks Tracy, i needed this.