Expansion on an explosive slow

Always a lack of action.

Begin the Beginning so you can End the End

High school is finally done with. I never will have to sit in another Mrs. Bluel class, or listen to another power point from ms. RS. All that is left is to tie off the works so that I can get to organizing the true potential of this body and its mind. Hopefully this summer will be a time where I can work through this.

Realization is yet to sit in. Right now it is a blur of wanting to just sit and also of having to move to get ready for the next day. I expect I'll figure out I've graduated about sometime next winter. My display for grad. is not as splendid as others, but I will still try to do alright and find a way to do well. I just want to have my own schedule, and have it work. That's all I really want right now more than anything. For things to work the way I've planned them to go. It is a shame that this is most definitely something that will never be.

: /

Prolonged nothingness has slowly over the last month taken shape into a tangible form and is even now managing to weave itself into a garment that has unfortunately taken a liking to me and follows at my heels. Because I am currently feeling terribly uninspired to write for my philosophy exam I am writing here, throwing up a hope that in my random finger tappings I'll find some meaning or reason to be.
I checked out Ender's Game from the library since I have been unable to get Xenocide from anywhere. I'm taking better notes this time around, and after reading Speaker for the Dead there is still the same sense of amazement at how awesome these books are.
Part of my own fault has been watching more series on youtube and getting music. These so far have been a disruption that I continue to use.
There is frustration that I'm not doing anything. I'm not learning anything, I'm not taking in anything, I feel barely alive. The things I do do not have any effect on my surroundings, and if they do, there are many secrets that I am not privy to.
***
it is now May, and I found this draft while looking once again for inspiration and meaning to be. Xenocide was a useful book and helped a little. Right now time management is still a large problem as I keep finding myself spending large amounts of time either watching people play Smash Bros, or doing something else in which my presence does not matter. Reconnectedness is slipping into a concentrated individualism and putting on the blinders as the relationships around me become less insistent, and can just drift or sit there if that is to be.

Note to self: today was stupid

pros: did not cut off fingers, despite math, am still alive.

cons: got stitches, had an imaginary homework grade that applied only to me. I was not even there. I got a zero. Got a D on a math quiz where I have same answers of some one with a B. English teacher for AP lit. cannot handle words with multiple definitions (Ex: flowery). failure has come up and reared its ugly head. Apparently now that I've been accepted to a college, I will now just be subject to ridiculously stupid scenarios whose main goal is stopping me from going to college by any means necessary.
><

Curse you math.

Worry

Ah yes. There you are. And to think I almost started living without you.

It's a Trap!

-Sam, come spend your whole Sunday putting in a sub-pump that the house builders should be putting in.
-Sam, bring your homework so that you can do the homework you planned to do this whole day and not have a total loss.
-Sam, go back to kohler and do this random chore, then stay their for school.

ps: This was a trap. This was a ploy to separate your backpack from you. Welcome back to school.
pps: hope you can finish that math turn-in before eleven, that's a pretty long car ride.

Highway

need a sleep.

I Would Have Stayed Up With You All Night...

Familiar

I thought I had gotten rid of you. Nothing was supposed to survive those cleansing fires. Yet here we are again. You grew back so readily, if be a little slower, and better disguised. This time I may not be able to fight you off.




I am doomed to this road.