Recontinued Remember pt. 4

Three times at once.

This is a topic that I am not sure I can speak for many people on either thorough observation, or guessing at possible perspectives. For my own introspective curiosity then, I will try to describe what I mean by my perception of time and how hard it is sometimes to remain in one specific period for too long.
When I think about time, It comes to me as this foggy path with a orange glowing strand of string running back as far as I can see, and as far infront of me into the fog as I can tell. When I am looking to understand a past event, guess my present condition, or guess a future action, all three are extremely persistant in vying for my attention. It is, from my observations of others, easier for me than others to become trapped in the past, or removed into the future. I have become pretty good at removing myself from the present and have had numerous times where I feel as if my central core of thought and mind is not located within my body, but rather from a third person view, seeing myself as a character moving through some motions while I am held to watch in an objective attention. What this person does doesn't mean anything to me. I wonder how he will rectify this, or solve that. Whether the ease to which I can slip into this mode is a side effect of practicing effective roleplaying, or if this has actually helped me take other's points of view I cannot say. It is a little difficult to explain how one thinks of three separate times simultaneously, but that is, I think, the best word for it. I relive my mistakes in the same instant that I move to make sure they do not repeat themselves, as well as try my best to realistically imagine how my life might be better or worse because of my actions or words. It is bizarre, because it happens so fast, and sometimes both fast, and for a long time. Almost like a..semi controlled panic attack that jumps planes. What I think is important to note is that I do not just remember or imagine the past and future, but I live them. Touch, smell, tone, lighting, objects, emotions, how hard my hand is clenched, where I am located in my house, in the state, in the world, what the weather is like, how others around me have spoken, or will speak, how full I am, what background noises am I hearing. This is what I mean. This is why it is hard for me to stay in one place because at times I am living three lives at once, and despite their overlapping, it is still chaotic.

Looking into the fog, I can roughly see where the line of light has disappeared, but from there, the strand becomes less obvious and splits into a multitude of paths. Looking back I can see the rainbow of decisions and course alterations.
"It is today already, but it is not Tomorrow yet."
-Me

Strategic Consciousness and Random Remember

Lately, in the past few days I have found that a brief 3 hour nap in the late afternoon allows for one to stay up and work very deeply into the night. This.. knowing when and not to be conscious, to be aware, poses a few questions.
By this method, it would seem that doing things later is in the better idea. Spending the day getting out all the distractions and reddit updates and then sleeping into work mode. This seems contrary to what was a growing rhythm.
Get it done now.
Action.
No waiting, only the present.
This clicks into a phenomenon that occurs when absorbing becomes self aware that it may, in fact, be hindering either an experience, or is unnecessary. A reboot is in order to clear all the search engines, connectors, remembering, and color empathy before taking things and responding on first impulse. It seems though, that this too has a monitor in order to terminate thoughts that reach second or third generation turn over to ensure spontaneous responses to stimuli and react through improve or intuition. But even these are, in some way, analytical. Finding timing and cues but just quieter, softer..

The Present is twisty and linear all at once. Absorbing all of it at once yields awareness and understanding, cogs turning, marvelous happenstance that the world has, at this location, with whatever history has happened, is unraveling this specific way right here right now. The stories that have such different origin's all coming to a head at a specific instant in time never to be quite as unique.
"People are good at talking, but not so much at listening." -Katie D.

Learning how to teach people how to listen is difficult if they are not used to it. I feel as if my moments where I know how to communicate what I say are random and beautiful when they happen. I can sense what I want to tell them, but if they are new to listening, then they won't pick out the important parts right way and often miss the perspective I want to weave. Or their ability to role play is limited by what information I give them and the way in which I present it. In order to teach others how to listen to me, I will have to learn how to become a better speaker. Those whom have a history will know the serious from the not, what I will pay attention to, and maybe have a 30% idea why.

I can't tell if others feel the gravity of things in the same way I perceive them. Especially struggle in inanimate, or organic materials. Their will and purpose they must strive to fulfill, if that couch is happy to be placed where it is, if a salt shaker gets lonely, or the insatiable garbage cans, laughing at how it tricks us into throwing it perfectly good food. Prompted from watching alot of anime where recently many characters across different series all express the same wants. 1) to be helpful to someone else, especially if they are a loved one, and 2) The ability to overcome any terrible tragedy through reception of a kind word from said cared one, or a special sea shell just for them. This insane drive to act in any way necessary to hold a promise.
This is really inspiring, and I can't tell if this is something just not found in our culture, if it has been forgotten, or only exists due to the over exaggeration of feelings and emotions often found in the anime medium.
Nothing is small.
To all the characters, and increasingly describing my perception of conversation, "Nothing is small."
It is not possible to perform an action, a spoken word, a twitch, a facial expression, and not have it mean something. Everything has a meaning.
I wonder how many others talk to those whom they peg as being "realistic" in order to discover, or reaffirm themselves that they are not insane, or at least not that much.

A Lesson in Mobility

I am sometimes very curious and very interested in my ability to move my body from one location to the next. I just... get up and enter a new world. I can do that if I want to. I can go anywhere as long as I have either practiced running enough to get there, or climbing enough to get to another branch or hold.
Today I hovered my torso over to the Japanese House to make some food and then eat it in the Sun. It helped remind me. I can just do things I don't know how to do without preparing. I can screw up making sushi and it will be ok. As long as I remain concentrated of self, I can move. I can commit to an action and then present it to those around me.

As I've said many times before now I'm sure, "I think I can finally start being confident in my motions and do what I intend to". This idea is still lacking I feel in the ability to bring it to action rather than mentally accepted. This second semester has done quite a bit in terms of ability to swim better and learn the flow.
Things that too often are forgotten I feel:
-"This world, I think we like it"-Makoto Shinkai
-Teaching others to learn to listen. They want to, but sometimes we forget.
-I am a capable human being. I can do anything I want to, and achieve whatever goal I have. Nothing is too high, nothing is unreasonable if one tries hard enough to reach it.
-Patience
-People are orbs of light. Their bodies the way I interact with them, their minds in how I know them.
-No live with out growth, no growth without change, no change without death.

Psychology

One part being forced into a decision by time of meetings and wants, I think I have discovered a more real reason for studying psychology. It is a little interesting that psycho-analyzing things, especially relationships has such a negative stigma. A robot like scientist objectively observing something that can't just be simplified into words and then trying to interpret from such a removed stance. The reason this is interesting is because this is the exact oposite reason for finally deciding to Psych major. After flip flopping for a while I was able to word reasons a little better. I want to be able to understand people. I want to be able to be such an interpreter of their complete person (words, movements, choices) that I can connect with them on an even deeper subjective level. At first I thought it was just to figure out why people were stupid at understanding perspectives. How could people see the same thing and get so many ridiculous stances and beliefs from just a simple recall of a common memory? That seemed dumb, and dangerous. If one wants to even argue what it is to be human, then I would give a strong fight for the capacity to think cognitively. If you can understand someone else's mind, then you have broken through so many barriers. There is nothing else more special to any individual than their own consciousness. The ability to just have a better idea as to how to it... that makes for something that to me seems very not removed from the situation. That seems more to me the ability to actually know the core of another human being. Psychology is not the de-mystification of the mind, transforming people into automatons who control surprisingly little, but in fact another class in understanding. I would love to have the time to take more classes here to further this lofty goal, but for the now I'll have to be content.

I just want to know people better. if they would make it easier then i wouldn't have to study them and i could be taking art classes or philosophy, or science

-Me

Interesting..

"All in moderation.
Including moderation itself.

-AJATT Blog

Tie together

Make this
Fit to this

"You have exactly enough time, starting now"
-Matt

Late is the Preemptive

At this late (early) hour while eating M&M's and milk, I am beginning to understand more. Not so much something new but a feeling that had color before but is only now becoming something more accessible. The person that I am and that which I would like to become are ideas that seem to be coming into view more and more. For there to be a future, there must be a present action to get there. These decisions must be made carefully, and if they must spontaneously. While there is danger at perpetuating a "prepare" mode, I do not yet think that this is something of worry. It is a now familiar rhythm that comes and goes. I have been at the least, more aware of it in the last year of Great Calm. We do what we do at the moment because in that moment we believe it to be the right thing, the action in order to gain the best future, or the preferred future event. Even if that means simply to continue a routine, or create something new and dangerously exciting is trivial. There is a flow there is a purpose there is a meaning to this rhythm. I do not think that I will be disappointed if I follow it. After watching many episodes of Full Metal Alchemist again. There is a drive, and reminder to have purpose. Ideals are not to be taken lightly, and neither is a commitment to resolve.

There are too many things I have yet to read, yet to see, yet to learn, yet to practice. The knowledge of this is there but still... it has not been thrust into with devotion. I feel that it is possible to do this and still only add to the self without forgetting the oil. I need to fully try and commit to something. I have certainly tried very hard at various skills and various practices, but not fully. Not with everything. Only a glancing attempt, less than full. I need to understand the world so that I can work and live within it. I need to stretch my bounds so that I can confidently be confident. If I don't, what security do I actually have in myself?

There is an ideal.

It understands, and it is silhouetted in my mind. Failure to obtain or reach this state of being may have recurring effects that will last longer than what may be projected. I must advance, must move. I need to first be able to trust in myself and ensure that I can carry out simple tasks. Once past, then the work will begin.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist
It is high time I begin exchanging and work to learn.

Golden Gates and Frost Kingdom

The following year has been an interesting one to describe. More stable than most for sure, but still not devoid of its' own little quirks. Whitman was a huge part of this as well as finally getting out of high school. Despite I've now pretty much finished freshmen year, and do not like just how fast these days go by, I have done only a few of the things I originally set out to do. My writings are also a little more scattered. This may or may not a be a helpful sign. From the beginning of last year however, I would declare that while I may not be as colorful in my descriptions of self as I may at one time been, I most certainly can understand to a higher precision what I am feeling and why. Rooftop level thoughts are not quite so and are just as communicable as the rest of the house. This fall I had a lot of practice reviewing and applying for others which has helped reinforce my belief that I will be alright. I think I have been slowly actually putting trust in my self to not actively destroy things. I feel this is a little odd, but also a little empowering. There have been important realizations, or at least statements this year that will definitely be of use. The last year was one of Great attempted understanding. I will not be so bold yet as to say that I have achieved that, but this year is more certainly one of Great Calming. There has been an overall lack of stress all around, and I think I am better for it. I love my Whitman families and could not be happier at a college. I will continue to look toward growth, and will have to now begin to take actions to achieve goals. The next year hopefully will be one of the elusive action.

"Life is a forward motion"-Past Sam

Forgetting

"Writing Kanji is all about forgetting. You struggle and forget a kanji and then you have to look it up and write it down. Then later you forget it again and again but each time you forget it you are a little quicker to remember it."

-Professor Akira Takemoto

Truth and Lies

"Until you know that a lie is a lie, then it is the truth. Learning how to discern the truth might be the right thing to do but it won't always make you happy."
"So, lies make us happy?"
"Yes, what a clever auto-rave."

-Ergo Proxy

Realization

If there is something I wish to achieve, or an evironment, situation, etc. in the future, I have to do something about it. I have to be the one to put each piece in place. Otherwise it won't get done and nothing will move forward. Reality is a sum of actions. In order to be a part of it, you must continue to place one step forward or else someone will act in your stead.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. In order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is the first rule of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist

also, while looking for this quote:
"..I ignored every sign post because I was reckless and I wanted it bad enough."-Edward Elric (FMA).

"When I was certain that he was going to kill me, my mind went blank and I didn't have any hope anymore. The only thing I could do was scream my lungs out. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even bring myself to believe someone might save me. Then you showed up Al, and I realized if we don't take care of each other, then no one else will. So I will do anything in my power to get our bodies back..."

Mask of a Proxy

Remembering patience, value and time, I am still having trouble with staying in the concrete now.









From: The Alchemist
A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.

The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

“Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something”, said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. “As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”.

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

“Well”, asked the wise man, “Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world”, said the wise man. “You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”.

Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?” asked the wise man. Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

“Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you”, said the wisest of wise men. “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon”.

Breathe

Once Again XKCD..

Link
For some reason, pictures are being very not formatable.

Statements. Thoughts.

Dear Future Sam.
Not really sure how the state of anything is at the moment. Drifting back to third person. I don't know if this is acceptable or not anymore. I haven't really had time to focus in on one thing or the other, or outside factors. This in itself may be a problem. Momentum is still being felt, but it has yet to be directed toward one thing or another. It is spilling over into too many different things and is spread to thin. A large spoon is needed to contain such bursts in protective walls lest the town be flooded. Music is a large influence in tone of perception. Sitting on roofs is a good substitute for a tree. One should determine their utility and then play the role of the prospector and siv through until some rare treasure presents itself. In such an instance, it should be analyzed and put to use, but only when understood. White green whisps, and foreboding whirlpools of blues and purples, and rhythmic ripples. Piano is still a site of Truth. Don't forget about the leaves, their motion paused in the air, and their sorrowful decent until they lay peacefully defeaten on the grass. Pictures are healthy. Mouth words must hold with them the resolve of mind. Fluidity will come, and with that, the stream of knowledge, and tributaries of the past. Let the knowledge of others rain down and fill your empty stream beds.

Time to rest

Things have been very laid back here in mad-town. I think that things would be a little more cool if I actually were in freshmen year at college, rather than in a seven week program. But the initial vaccination of college "life" is rather nice so far. I would have thought that I would be making more posts if I really did have more time, but this may also be due to a lack of a portable thing.

I will probably change this post in the coming days.. or even hours depending on when I can upload quote that I have been meaning to immortalize into the interwebs.
It has been very nice to see Michael and people again, and disscuss stuff. I don't feel that I am working adequately enough (as usual though), but I am glad at my assimilating abilities of adaptaion.

I need to do more processing.

"Surely there is some point where one must stop this nonsense and emerge. "-past Sam.

-July 2.
I have been reading more, and trying to see more than just the physical in the world around me. I am not sure how well I am doing this, but it is...different. Before I loose this concentration, below are an assortment of quotes that I have collected from The Giver and what I have gotten from The Conference of the Birds so far.

"Reality is not what it is. It consists of the many realities which it can be made into." (Sight and Sensibility)

"Love involves the surge of feeling experienced when one perceives another acting as a reliable and trustworthy care giver, and submits passively and fully to being the recipient of this care." (Sroufe,1996)

"...the thought of the moment chased away the experience and bliss slid into wonder."(S and s)

"...Seeing is the power to catch the light thrown at us."(S and S)

"...By reaching out and touching, we can alter the world that we see." (S and S)

"I also know a dark similitude
Will on the fancy more itself intrude,
And will stick faster in the heart and head
Than things from similes not borrowed" (Conference of the Birds)

"The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the lonliness of it. Memories need to be shared." (The Giver)

"Give up the intellect for love and see
In one brief moment all eternity..." (The Conference of the Birds)

The Pigeon:
"Dear pigeon, welcome- with what joy you yearn
To fly away, how sadly you return!
Your heart is wrung with grief, you share the gaol
That Jonah knew, the belly of a whale-
The Self has swallowed you for its delight;
How long will you endure its mindless spite?
Dut off its head, seek out the moon, and fly
Beyond the utmost limits of the sky;
Escape this monster and become the friend
Of Jonah in that ocean without end."
(Conference of the Birds)

"Renounce your soul for love; He you pursue
Will sacrifice His inmost soul for you."

"A man whose eyes love opens risks his soul-
His dancing breaks beyond the mind's control." (Conference of the Birds)

I am trying to remember these as I go about days. I am feeling comfortable here.

Better

I have missed my clouds and sun.


Things are finally being more open, warm, and not so confining. This has improved my study habit which is good seeing how the bio people have a super test on monday.
I was reading through a book when this paragraph stood out to me while discussing the concept of how improbable it is for even the same individual to be able to compare different kinds of "happy" or even of "feeling". Can someone say that they are enjoying their buttered toast be truthful, or do they not know what happiness is because they have never experienced jam on that toast, and then if they DO discover jam, and say that they were not truly happy before, are they right?
Stumbling on Happiness by: Daniel Gilbert, Harvard psychologist

...Studies such as these demonstrate that once we have an experience, we cannot simply set it aside and see the wolrd as we would have seen it had the experience never happened. To the judge's dismay, the jury cannot disregard the prosecutor's snide remarks. Our experiences instantly become part of the lens through which we view our entire pst, present, and future, and like any lens, they shape and distort what we see. This lens is not like a pair of spectacles that we can set on the nightstand when we find it convenient to do so but like a pair of contacts that are forever affixed to our eyeballs with superglue. Once we learn to read, we can never again see letters as mere inky squiggles. Once we learn about free jazz, we can never again hear Ornette Coleman's saxophone as a source of noise.
...
All of his means that when people have new experiences that lead them to claim that their language was squished-that they were not really happy even though they said so and thought so at the time-they can be mistaken. In other words, people can be wrong in the present when they say they were wrong in the past.

Wait

A Wrinkle In Time: Madeleine L'Engle

Mrs. Watsit looked at Charles Wallace, and the creaky voice semed somehow both to soften and to deepen at the same time. "Charles Wallace, the danger here is greatest for you."
"Why?"
"Because of what you are you willl be by far the most vulnerable. You must stay with Meg and Calvin. You must not go off on your own. Beware of pride and arrogance, Charles, for they may betray you."

"...We do not know what this means to see."
"Well, it's what things look like," Meg said helplessly.
"We do not know what things look like, as you say" the beast said."We know what things are like. It must be a very limiting thing, this sight."

"Who helps you?" Meg asked.
"Oh, dear, it is so difficult to explain things to you, small one. And I know that it is not just because you are a child. The other two are as hard to reach into as you are. What can I tell you that will mean anything to you? Good helps us, the stars helps us, perhaps what you call light helps us, love helps us. Oh, my child, I cannot explain! This is something you just have to know or not know."
"But-"
"We look not at the things which are what you would call seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things wich are seen are temporal. But the things which are not seen are eternal."


I was reminded today about waiting. I went to church today with Shane for the first time in what seems forever. It was a good thing. It felt like one of the first times I was at lifest. Things were said, and I listened. I need to remember to read over Acts. After one of the most monumental parts of the Christian time line, Jesus was risen, and his word to his disciples was simply "Wait. Just wait for a moment. I have so much more in store for you." I feel as if I have almost been physically jerked from a mentality I have been in. I don't know how to describe the level of mentality I have been on, but at least I feel more and more able to work, and do things.

Journal

Grief

Nostalgia

Loss

Quotes and Lyrics

"NO! Be CONFIDENT!"-Jenny

"...pick yourself up my friend,
don't let the empty win,
sure life is hard but it's harder when you give in.
Pick yourself up my friend, they say dreams may come and,
where will you go now that you have lived all of them?
***
If you only crave for what you can not have,
You end up alone."-Jimmy: Poor Bakers' Dozen

"I'm diving in I'm going deep in over my head I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow, in over my head I want to go
The rivers deep the rivers wide the rivers water is alive
So sink or swim I'm diving in."-Dive: Steven Curtis Chapman

"You didn't give anything of yourself to her, you just shared it. All you have to do is reclaim it."

"We are searching for rational reasons for believing in the absurd."
"Keep to the small."
"You can only care so much about other people. Let them work on their own."
"They are still human."
"You are not an experiment."
"Man.. the Ice-wizard is such a pa-toot.
-Dude! He's like... FIFTY pa-toots!"

"Was my befriendness inadequate? Could we again-like find space to up and be pals?"

"This is the correlation of salvation and love.
(Dont drop your arms)
Dont drop your arms.
I'll guard your heart.
With quite words I'll lead you in."-The Unwinding Cable Car: Anberlin