Identification

"In the sense of consciousness as articulate and self-conscious reflection, an emotion can become conscious only if one has ( at the minimum) a language with which to 'label' it and articulate its constituent judgments."
-Emotions and Philosophy


This needs further refinement so that I can take better notice of it.

Gears

Thanks future Tracy.

Stabilizing

These few weeks left before heading out to college have thus far presented themselves in a very beneficial manner. The usual large percentage of what should be finished survives on, but there is a better condensing of past years and origins. I am using a good amount of confidence to just go out and do things that I want to, and organize myself so that impromptu adventure is possible. Should think about reasserting the glowing orb view, and then escalate it so that relationship threads are visible as well. Perhaps I should draw a picture of such a spectacle so that I know a little what to look for. When I load up this page to either look for forgotten ideas or to add new ones, I am noticing how much pictures are lacking and just how important they are to my being able to speak fluently or to explain things. They help things take form better than some text on green. I am reminding myself to make a "Things to look forward to" notebook so that I can start getting ready with anticipation.

I am just about almost ready.

Sheeple

An Attempt

Currently there is a small communication error that is going around, but this is not going to deter me any longer. Slowly, things are getting better grounded, or at least prepared to become so. More pictures need to be taken. Over this weekend hopefully new guitar hero controllers will come in the mail, I can hang out with people before they leave, and some Dungeons and Dragons will be played. Disappointment is still rank in what I have accomplished, but it is getting to the point where this is to be expected. Current status is trying to be pulled back from another wave of apathy and basic survival. The connectedness that I had been working so hard at achieving has some how been swept away quickly and before I could notice. By the time I have, there is need to relearn.
There is not need for total despair however. I have gotten better at feeling cycles when they appear. The more I am able to work through them and understand their depth, the more I am able to swing them around in a proverbial hula-hoop. It is my theory, or maybe hope, that at some point in time all angles will mesh into a single perspective so that I may be aware and responsive to all things at all times. This very description is doomed to fail, and seems to exist only in a an ideological world.
For the most part, this last quarter of time has seemed to be locked in an inability to manipulate thoughts into words or a language. Machinery has been calibrated and tuned, but for some reason is not explaining. I would akin it to a ..... a poke'mon using hardening. Not entirely sure which one at the moment. Speaking of which, found the gameboy with crystal version.
: ) college will be awesome.

Comsumption of the Summer

I am currently making a mental note to start writing down more posts now that a few things have happened. I have gotten my laptop, watched a good anime series, and have started playing wow. ASP this year was, as usual, a good experience to have and was probably beneficial to mine self. Still going to have to wait before I get back into the swing of being able honestly assess anything that I may or may not bee writing down on these notes but at the very least I suppose I need to start somewhere. After much difficulty most of my things have been moved over to the new laptop, but a few thousand photos and documents still need to be put into their place. I think the theme about this summer is going to be friend management and the ratio that I can approve of spending with their different groups. Clarity to issues and time according to due dates are still up in the air and as usual. There is hoping to be a moment in time where we can work on a treehouse somewhere on the farm, but its reality has yet to be fully recognized. Anticipation is still high for Whitman and I cannot wait to get out there. I really hope that we will be smart and allow time to hang out with Tracy. Other than that, events have been mellow and containable.

Rainy June

Begin the Beginning so you can End the End

High school is finally done with. I never will have to sit in another Mrs. Bluel class, or listen to another power point from ms. RS. All that is left is to tie off the works so that I can get to organizing the true potential of this body and its mind. Hopefully this summer will be a time where I can work through this.

Realization is yet to sit in. Right now it is a blur of wanting to just sit and also of having to move to get ready for the next day. I expect I'll figure out I've graduated about sometime next winter. My display for grad. is not as splendid as others, but I will still try to do alright and find a way to do well. I just want to have my own schedule, and have it work. That's all I really want right now more than anything. For things to work the way I've planned them to go. It is a shame that this is most definitely something that will never be.

Movement

(music was:
Pony (It's OK)
Wagon Wheel
Pitter Pat
Lost or Found: Rob Costlow
Speed of Sound
something else..)
(got through math! who-raise!)

What I missed out on this year.

Halo, Soccer, Foods, dog-1, Sciencing, phat cat, Outside Sky-1, Monsters, Sky-2, Sky-3, Dog-2, Having good fun

Breathe

Pail of a Well

I've taken a few minutes out of this night to try and go over about a year ago. I was hoping to see traces of growth if I could either find solace or reason for being. I am thankful that at key points in my development I decided to sit down here and type things for me to read later. It hurts to remember, but it is probably better for the long run. The question of relative value is still viable and up in the air. I'm getting kicked off the computer presently, but pastly I would like to thank myself for hanging on long enough to tell me what was important.
The water gathered can only help the years harvest

Beware though, even plants can be drowned by that which is necessary.

Revisiting Reconnectedness

I'm not really sure how things are going to be completely frank. I seem to be drawn more toward my work that I have yet to do rather than that which staring me right in the face. I'm a little concerned that I will try to pull back from my far off gaze and either get bitten by something in the near future, or even in the present because of my misguided sense of priority. Despite graduation close by, I really don't feel as if this year is different at all. I've used the title of senior to do barely anything I wouldn't have just done before. The people are still going to be there into the summer, and when I come back from college almost every time. The connections that I am beginning to foster are for the getting prepared for books and other far off things. There is a a transparent specter that wears internet shirts and drifts in and out of the perceivable consciousness of others on a weekly basis. The disappearance of such will leave with it no great trace and no viewable difference. It merely will move to a new place to haunt. Without the ability to affect the tangible world it is left to living off of what it hopes are correctly interpreted visual cues, and what it can make of the world it lives in as the strive for communication continues.

Take that future

Lately I have been trying to be more active in getting myself prepared for college whether that means making emma go running with me so that I can force myself to up hold an obligation and thus get things done, or by ordering large amounts of books from the library and making myself read them. The plan at the moment is to set up my future self to be in a position where it has to do things that will be advantageous for even the farther future self. Despite being assured to the contrary, I am still worried about possible lacking the adequatecy of a college student. To counter this I have started reading Gestalt Psychology books, and have ordered more on the way so that I can have a base come those classes. Slotting Japanese into my first year is also troubling. I don't know whether I should be watching anime, or trying to find a free online something, or get more books on it.
Unfortunate side effects include: literally zero motivation to do anything in school. It annoys me that I have not accomplished more in my time in shop especially. If I was serious about doing things I could have made so many things, but instead my procrastination has limited me to only a few. The same goes for art. I was not allowed to present this picture as it "was not mine" despite all I did was look at a smaller picture and then enlarge it on my own (I didn't trace anything).
I can't tell if I need people around me so that I can keep a picture of the world that includes more than just me, or if I need to be alone so that I can retract a little and get these things done. Current feeling is at level 4 I would say. After doing math on my math grade I can't fail it as long as I don't get a zero on my final, so I think I will be alright. I am a little sad philosophy is over. Even though I didn't learn anything, it was nice to have terminology for thoughts that I had, and a peace of mind that others were able to come to such a thought as well. I'm not crazy yet.

A shifting

A new theme song.



Also, just finished archiving and labeling 3000+ emails. I feel so efficient : )