Portable Colors.

I had forgotten how much I wanted to listen to music while walking. I have been without an ipod or music device for too long. Before it was to listen to songs that had relative lyrics that I could associate with and help me decipher things. That still has carried over, but now it is stronger. The music has become an extension of my thoughts. Tracy once mentioned how for a while, she could imagine flowers into realistic existence anywhere she wanted. I believe that much like that, I am becoming able to visualize the colors of how the song is going and the link between me, my thoughts, and the music. It is a little bit of a rush, and if you asked me what colors they were, I would have a hard time telling you. I know they exist. I can see them, but at the same time I feel them. I don't know where things are going, but I am determined to survive.




This Too Shall Pass - Danny Schmidt


We think too big
We think our self is one whole thing
And we claim that this collection
Has a name and is a being
But deep inside
When every cell divides
It sets upon the rule that states
Self-interest is divine

Cancer, too
Lives by this golden rule
That you must do unto the others
As the others unto you
All for the best
Cause that’s all the life accepts
And so we kill it like a buffalo
With awe and with respect


....




The story goes
Or the way that I was told
There was a king that always felt too high
And then he fell too low
And so he called
All the wise men to the hall
And begged them for a gift
To end the rises and the falls

And here’s the thing
They came back with a ring
It was simple and was plainly
Unbefitting of a king
Engraved in black
It had no front or back
But there were words around the band that said
Just know: This Too Shall Pass



This Too Shall Pass- Danny Schmidt

Familiar

I thought I had gotten rid of you. Nothing was supposed to survive those cleansing fires. Yet here we are again. You grew back so readily, if be a little slower, and better disguised. This time I may not be able to fight you off.




I am doomed to this road.

Should.

< reboot.>

Please don't be a Prediction.

What is Real Anymore?

Awakening

still distressed about losing my wallet, with no way to find it, i woke this morning to Better Days -Goo Goo Dolls, and then pleasant warmth of my bed. i hope this song selection is a sign, and that maybe to day won't be as bad as i imagined. this was shown to be false as my presence downstairs was met with annoyed parents. maybe things will get better and figure things out for the rest of the day.
blerg.
Tracy is gone.

Get Well Soon.

Color

i kinda stole this from Tracy... it was too good though. i needed it. i've already replayed it around 9 times.
thanks Tracy, i needed this.

I Make My Own Food

Transversing the Uncertainsea

"hey, are you hungry?"
"no, go buy yourself something."
"i know your hungry, just pick something out, i'll get it for you."
"no, save your money."
"do you want some chips?"


***

certain people have more influence on me than others. i'm not talking about one in particular, it just seems to be a continuing... thing. the way some people i really don't want to let down, where as others could ask the exact same thing in the exact same way and get a different result. maybe me deciding to put off said request or even forgetting about (generally not likely, but still a possibility). when i probed the reasoning for this beyond my attachments, i came to a compromising thought of sorts. in my experiences, weather this is how my brain observes social interactions or what, but i think that the underlying push for crushes and relationships is in fact fear of that person and their approval. without the fear, or uneasiness, then your relationship to that person falls to good, to , really good friends that can be cool about each other. for a while i've mentioned that i have had the overcast feeling of not really being here, and interpreting the world much like a third person view of things. this could be from me not writing enough that i've forgotten how to put ideas into words either verbal or written, but i don't really think it is. i think its because the fear is gone, and i'm not at all used to it. this lack of a something... its so different.
I've started wading into the waters, maybe i'll find a boat.

..And the Horse You Rode In On.

i regret not having the time to force myself to buckle down and do more things that are me. of late, around this time of year i try to do things that are for other people, but i'm realizing that my personal identity must be preserved in not one, but multiple additions to this site if not only for the simple purpose to remind myself of things that have come to pass. the simple truth is this. i don't know. i have been stretched thin, and i worry there may be residual damage, or outside influences. yes, looking back, there have been definite influences. my goals are becoming clouded with the immediateness of now. i must relearn patience in order to over come this issue. tracy coming back for the winter has helped alot. i feel, as with other things, that i am squandering a great opportunity that will only be missed once it is gone. i've been given pages, and things to write into them with, but something stays my hand. be it laziness, or something else i don't know. i still believe that the continuation of my mental capabilities rely on these "routine" check ups and probing.

this year was different. riley warned me, and things happened. having bought the Halo 3 Soundtrack, and listening to it currently, i feel as if i should be doing something heroic and epic and lasting. like going into hand-to-hand combat with a field of darkly clad opponents. anyway, this year, i think the most obvious thing that has emerged was the "art pack". it is a little weird to be a considered a "regular" in a group of free forming individuals. the best way i can explain this year is an opening in a woods, filled with all sorts of dark blues, purples and greens, and yet, highlighted with brilliant yellow and pinks and reds. things are still weird, but the promise that lies ahead is enough to keep the too ridiculous worries at bay.
this year, people stepped up and did some awesome things. i still feel like i'm perceiving time like a slow shutter camera, days blurring into others, mechanically recording the incoming information, only open again to the next day. i need to make sure this stops.
this year, was one of great realizations.

A New Year

there's too much that i've procrastinated in saying lately. i should have found time to do things. it was there. it always was there. i must learn how to manage this more effectively in the future.