Pressures

It is 2 am, I have a research paper due in the afternoon, and I am writing on my blag.
Well, cheerio then.

I do not believe that people are as attuned to pressures and weight as they might think they are. On the whole, I would actually say that most people do not actually understand what it means to do something "softly". Lately, I have been reading several books on personality assessment through nonverbal language, microexpressions, nonverbal communication, and linguistic metamessages (also, I highly recommend reading Deborah Tannings works).

Am I suggesting that people do not know how to control their own bodies, and thus do not know what it means to move "softly"? No. I would say that most people are extremely aware of their bodies. From the uncoordinated gamer to the dexterous harp player, I would guess everyone is aware of what their bodies are doing. I would not say, however, that they know why they are moving the way they are, what their flow is, what they are communicating, or to what degree they are participating in any of these actions. People can be beautiful sports players, and refined cooks and still not have an idea as to what "softness", or more specifically, "pressure" is.

Softness in movement is different from softness of physical description. I feel vaguely hypocritical even writing this because I know I have only personally experienced the tip of this ice berg. I do not feel as if I entirely understand enough to communicate about it, but I have to say I know enough that I can feel it, and I can notice it. In the most basic form, softness is something not forceful, hard, ridged, or inflexible. It is tender, accepting, conforming, and unimposing. I want to focus on unimposing for a moment.

unimposing, to me, goes hand in hand with a form of intimate respect. There is an underlying respect to softness. It has its own form to hold, but it is still respectful of the form and pressures that are being placed upon it. A small agreement of identities if you will. It is this relationship that I'm not sure too many people understand, and then are able to act upon. From my own experience (and earlier discussion on a seemingly universal "flow" in movements and activities), here are some examples of underlying respect, and careers I would expect people would have to intimate with this idea in order to survive.
-Dancing
-Drawing
-Slack rope
-Climbing
-Soccer
-Cooking
-Any musical instrument, or faculty
-Any martial arts
-To an extent, writing and story telling
-Architecture
-Making friends
-Keeping your friends
-Keeping your friends healthy

This semester, I have been rubbing a lot of backs. This is not where the thought came from, but it certainly seems to be the most frequent example where I can practice this thought. Touch is a gradient. In order for a touch to be soft, there must be a hardness, a stiffness with which to contrast it with. Otherwise, if you rub someone's back, you will be unable to adapt to the necessary tension points, and your friend will be disappointed. Softness is also a gradient. There is a light softness, and hard softness. It is still accepting, but it doesn't quite bend so easily to the identity of the incoming other. A dance of distances, a dance of pressures.

The reason I feel people do not practice this is because the overwhelming amount of motions I see are heavy. They are weighty, almost as if someone is swinging a heavy rock around on a string. There is fluidity because of the constant motion of the swinging rock, but there is still a heavy cadence. It thuds, it rolls awkwardly down a stairs, it stutters.

Watching someone who moves both softly, and smoothly is something that's near awe inspiring to me. There is an amazing amount of respect actively being shown between both the state of mind, and the body's capabilities, and the nature of the environment it is working it.

There Is A Miscommunication There

This will be written when I have time to dedicate to it. The bare bones of this post will focus on the miscommunication people have with me when I say something a kin to "I should have been able to do such-and-such. That would have prevented this" or "Its my fault, because I didn't try hard enough here, and because I was not enough, this negative thing resulted". They tend to immediately yell/whine at me for taking an impossible stance in which the situation is outside of my control and that I am now suffering irresponsibly and out of proportion to my actual possible involvement in the situation.

I will continue to write something about how the whole point that I even make such a statement is because there WAS a point in which had I actually been acting in ways that I feel are within my ability and potential, I should have been able to positively affect the situation. This would have been accomplished by actually being the creature, the 'Sam' that I hold my standard self perception to. The best possible Sam should have been able to make a difference. I am not, and have never been, and will probably never be Best Possible Sam. I know this, and I know when I don't have control over things. However, that doesn't excuse me as a bystandard observer to simply watch something happen. I should be able to say clutch words. I should be able to pick others up. I should be able to have relavent skills for future endeavors and adventures.

I should be prepared, and these situations show that I am still lacking in one respect or another from Best Possible Sam.

This ties into why I feel compelled to learn as much as I possibly can. I know nothing. I can do just a few things well, or at least ok. I am not terribly proficient at practically anything. I could at least try to be competent. I could at least try to be not dumb.

Working Title

So, I will add more to this later on today, but I am getting a little confused by this.

Actually, no. Realized anything I could ever verbalize into words is best put in rage face form. If anything, this is more proof that i should try to make an effort to get something meaningful thrown down on this webzone.

Working Half-Awake

The last 24-36 hours have been a little interesting. Reminding me again that everything is different, but nothing has changed. Getting back into the flow of working despite being tripped a little was a little difficult but there are still railings that I can sieze should gravity or parasitic growth. I've managed to keep my eyes around me on the vast tapestries around me in order to remind me and remember how to move and flow.

Somehow Past Sam always knows what to say. If only someday Future Sam could drop a line.

Close Enough

It is just a little off, but still about 16 hours away from Friday afternoon. This week has been moving unbelievably slow. I've been working pretty hard I think to make everything work out the way that it needs to. I've prepared a net for myself this time, and have some pretty good hand holds if I need them. I feel tingly and a pretty sleepy. Just want to get this over. Could have maybe even finished it today, but that wasn't the plan. The hour is drawing near and I will be able to embrace it. This very post is even another way for me to be doing something and still move time along.

I feel so fussy.

Needs to be tomorrow already.

Apart from this, things are proceeding well. I will be able to safely navigate this semester if this first week is any sort of a standard. I have been level, I have been moving. I have been given pieces that could be my future, and this weekend I will take steps to grasp them. I will continue to work on and finish drawing and painting some of the portraits for the grandmas.
Forgive me Wisconsin, I know I am not as good a son as I could be. Instead I merely give you the bare minimum. I am trying hard to change this so that I might finally be rid of it and actually earn the praise you've bestowed on me.
Thanks everyone.
I will not make you liars.

Rest assured, I don't break promises.

I Got This

I have recently returned to Whitman after a long and necessary break. When I left, I was near convinced that lives were crumbling, options disappearing because of my own lack of tact, as well as being more personally affected by others problems than I had even initially intended. Work had taken over most of my day, and when it was time to unwind and sleep, all that came around was reminders of could-have-beens, and the worst possible interpretations of events under the guise of "at least then I'll be prepared when they happen".

Three times became one, and strings from the past pulled all too strongly in order for future projections to be lived in sickening realism and accuracy. It reminded me strongly of how I felt when I was kind of grabbing for things three years ago. It would have been a lot harder to get through the last week without my Whitman Family. So thank you Mari, thank you Diana, thank you Daniel, and thank you Spencer for being such a great roommate.

That being said, also thank you my Wisconsin brothers for the winter break. I am not sure when we will all be assembled again, but I was glad I could see everyone at least once. I am sorry I did not get to have a farm party mom. When I get back we will dance in the only way does with a puppy, pizza, and too much slippery hardwood floor.

I was happy to have seen Grandma and know that she is doing a little better. I am a little shaken by how well I was able to accurately guess how the scene was presented to me. It was good to be able to talk to her and know that she might be out by spring. I look forward to spending time with you the next summer I am home.

The last semester was, looking back, filled with awkward gaps and runs of motion. While things really didn't move all that differently from freshmen year, I just feel as if something... wasn't quite there. In many ways it was much better and much healthier, but I feel as if my momentum was not always very constant. This semester, this moment in time I am reminded that if things are to be done, I must be the one to place the foundation stone by stone. I am back with my friends, and some of the people I trust the most if some unforeseeable thing happens to spring. I am not breathing quite as quickly, and I know that this equilibrium is not going to be disrupted. I am reminded of a Bill Nye the Science Guy episode on solids and liquids.

I am a liquid, happy and unafraid to fill unfamiliar and empty containers.

There's too much to do, but there is exactly enough time to do it.

Starting...now.

Recontinued Remember pt. 4

Three times at once.

This is a topic that I am not sure I can speak for many people on either thorough observation, or guessing at possible perspectives. For my own introspective curiosity then, I will try to describe what I mean by my perception of time and how hard it is sometimes to remain in one specific period for too long.
When I think about time, It comes to me as this foggy path with a orange glowing strand of string running back as far as I can see, and as far infront of me into the fog as I can tell. When I am looking to understand a past event, guess my present condition, or guess a future action, all three are extremely persistant in vying for my attention. It is, from my observations of others, easier for me than others to become trapped in the past, or removed into the future. I have become pretty good at removing myself from the present and have had numerous times where I feel as if my central core of thought and mind is not located within my body, but rather from a third person view, seeing myself as a character moving through some motions while I am held to watch in an objective attention. What this person does doesn't mean anything to me. I wonder how he will rectify this, or solve that. Whether the ease to which I can slip into this mode is a side effect of practicing effective roleplaying, or if this has actually helped me take other's points of view I cannot say. It is a little difficult to explain how one thinks of three separate times simultaneously, but that is, I think, the best word for it. I relive my mistakes in the same instant that I move to make sure they do not repeat themselves, as well as try my best to realistically imagine how my life might be better or worse because of my actions or words. It is bizarre, because it happens so fast, and sometimes both fast, and for a long time. Almost like a..semi controlled panic attack that jumps planes. What I think is important to note is that I do not just remember or imagine the past and future, but I live them. Touch, smell, tone, lighting, objects, emotions, how hard my hand is clenched, where I am located in my house, in the state, in the world, what the weather is like, how others around me have spoken, or will speak, how full I am, what background noises am I hearing. This is what I mean. This is why it is hard for me to stay in one place because at times I am living three lives at once, and despite their overlapping, it is still chaotic.

Looking into the fog, I can roughly see where the line of light has disappeared, but from there, the strand becomes less obvious and splits into a multitude of paths. Looking back I can see the rainbow of decisions and course alterations.
"It is today already, but it is not Tomorrow yet."
-Me

Or, perhaps an even deeper third layer that is the same as the first.

I am working on getting a good photo assemblage for this post. Looking back over the last year has been interesting. All the things that happen even when I swear this last semester had very few things that actually had import to them. My camera and posts disagree slightly on this point. I often have trouble remembering that spring and the end of fall consist of the "last" year. Most notably I found another base and a better understanding of what my own personal motivations are. I still have a pretty good idea what I'm shooting for, and I know I can achieve what I'm trying to do. Just need to do it now. I would agree with last years conclusion that the house is doing a better job with communicating and not being a jerk to one another.

This last semester has been more of a struggle than it had to be in nearly every category. Particularly at the beginning and end when I wasn't sure if it was going to be my last semester at Whitman, or if people at home were doing ok, or if I was going to be able to get back home to see people. Perhaps most importantly I found someone to talk to and keep me together when I felt as if I would like nothing more than to squish myself into a corner and come apart. Having gotten through the worst time I've had in recent years now in the past, I can finally try and stand up again and keep moving.

This year I've tried and meddled that only spread too thin and lacked the agression of learning correctly or the traditions of thought and conduct. I understand I'll never quite live up to the standards I've set for myself, but I can certainly get close.

Remember the oil in the spoon, but take the time to pick your head up and see.

Destroy mountains, create wonders, draw slowly, and rest peacefully.
Close your eyes and feel. Carefully stretch your consciousness; wander and understand.

feel strongly,





live beautifully.
-Past Sam

Begin: a Year of Placement

What I need to remember.

Everything in circles. Finishs so you can start. Start so you can find the middle.

Dive back into the grey and Portles of the Land

Happy post Thanks giving,

Covering time from about Tuesday on, there finally was a large amount of snow in the Wallas to the point that it was definitely a winter. The really cold happened after we left but for the time being it was nice to have a winter with everyone who usually don't get that much snow. Before heading out things got pretty gobbled and sticky feeling so it was a little bit hard to fully enjoy or be bound to the present. Too much in too many places needed to be thought of at the same time and is one of the first times in a while that I've let that happen. The time that transpired after this, however, was some of the most precisely applied aid I've seen yet.
Thank you Mari for everything. The 48ish hours I guested at your house was exactly what I needed. Thank you for the conversation, perspective, and laid-backedness. Thanks for the remember, and thanks for making the invitation in the first place because I probably would not have asked to stay over. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Portland greeted me with one of the best nerd dens I've seen in a while. So much anime, so much games, so much potential, it is lovely. There will be par cour, there has and will be good food, and as most breaks happen are ending too quickly. I finally was able to meet T1 (Trace) and that was wonderful. He gave me a flute he made so now I must learn how to play it well.

I will add to this post with another post later when I have a little more time in the day to properly explain this break and what is up.

Just a Thought

How does one correctly go about being selfish?

Further more, it was good to find this.

Oh Yeah.

The Flip Side

I find that when thinking about things regarding social situations or just in general things around me that have manage to disappoint me or deviated enough from what I wanted to have happened that there is a good exercise to go through.
1. Identify what you wanted to have happen/experience/whatever.
2. Remember what happened
3. Know how it would have had to change in order to reach #1.
4. Seeing how the compare, is #1 appropriate?
5. Is #1 a responsible view on the world, or is it a small selfishness?
6. If #1 had been achieved, how would things be different?
7. How would others know that was what you wanted and did you communicate it well, or what could you have done?
8. Would you be happy if #1 had been achieved?
9. If was considered selfish, why is it selfish and what is the root of this selfishness? Is it simply a sporadic feeling, or is it something else?
10. Is it significant to be thinking about?

It is generally my opinion that, in retrospect, I struggle largely at 6, 7, and the 8 area. Part of the problem is then changing perspectives to others and knowing that they have their own little wants for the moment and then what those might be and exactly where do you or do you not fall in that. I am also still learning what is appropriate to do if I feel that I am just third wheeling a group conversation and have not added anything for the last hour. At this point am I still an active participant, or am I simply next to a few more people?

Also, it has come to my attention that sometimes things that you actually want to have happen, happen anyway without your being aware of them. For instance, old example of sitting at a table by yourself for the purpose of a social experiment to see who will sit with you. What do you do when the people actually sit with you? Do you become happy and overjoyed that they have chosen your presence to surround themselves with, or do you push it back in your mind because you really were hoping to perpetuate a self fulfilling prophecy and try to rationalize something by their absence?

Japanese

Click for bigger

Since I'm Here. Recontinued Remember: pt 3

Since I've just been talking with people for what is now five hours already I must resign myself that I'm not going to be doing homework today. I also haven't been writing. Now that I have had a warm up I feel moved to note down a few things.

Over this weekend I began to be come so calm about the way things were that that lack of commotion or problems in it of itself seemed to be problem. When things seem fine I am inclined to look for the problem that I am over looking. It is usually a misinterpretation, something misunderstood or straight out ignored. I was reminded this night that my sister is not the only one I can converse with at a high level of understanding. Granted, I would be hard pressed to say that any one ever will be able to get onto our level of color, shared experiences, and inside connecting jokes of interest and codexes, but at times I feel as if I forget this. I forget that there are other intelligently aware people surrounding me if I take the chance to reach out a little or do the correct prodding.

I am also working on trusting people to be good people more. While it is not as if I consciously or instinctively distrusted people, it was interesting to see that in cases of confusion and uncertainty, I withdraw and worry rather than trust them to be a capable human being that doesn't mean to harm me. They are doing the best they can with the given situation and how they move about it. They are not searching to do wrong, and it can be avoided with simple communication.

Geneva showed me a video of people dancing extraordinarily, and recently I watched a Youtube video on par kour combined with gymnastics and mixed martial arts. Then I went and climbed a tree. I feel as if I've touched on this before but the physical movement of it all is what, heh, moves me. I am beginning to feel more confident as if when one does something well, or becomes pretty good at a thing, there is this rhythm to it that can be translated from almost anything. I feel it when I write Japanese Calligraphy, in climbing, in dancing, in soccer, in TaeKwonDo, in piano, in cooking, and how one moves through a math problem. There is a beat, a movement to it all. A flow. Hopefully in time I well develop a better connection with amazing connectivity between environment and self. It feels so safe and so wonderful.

REMEMBER: Roleplaying
On situations and people doing what they can with what they have reminds me to continue topics I discussed with Tracy last year. I felt as if alot of problems in social relations between people be it groups, relationships, etc. occur from problems in role playing. It is something that I am simply used to doing. Partly being brought up in a way that emphasized not troubling anyone else unless you absolutely must, it became a tool that I have since developed. As I imagine actors must thoroughly research and understand the pressures on their character in order to play the role as authentically as possible, so too must others not underestimate just how much they have to imagine in order to simply make a good guess as to another's thoughts, feelings, possible reaction. When I imagine this process, I literally have to stop moving, close my eyes and focus entirely on how things would be from another's point of view.

This means my general view of them, the history I know and how I feel it would affect my decisions and priorities, what that persons goals might be, social relations, tendencies, stature and how that body would feel like, where its balance is, and what seems to be most important is how I would appear and be interpreted by that person. This means visualizing myself conversing or simply being there. How would I react to myself? How would THEY react to me? How do I even behave? At the end, all I have is a guess. After all of that work, depending on how well I know the person, I have to resign myself to simply have an educated guess to guide my future actions. Perhaps it is I who is the ignorant one and flawed in my ability to understand a basic Cooley Looking Glass Self in operation but it seems to me that most do not go this far. They skip and just get to the guessing without trying as hard as they can to mentally develop a realistic scenario.