Take that future

Lately I have been trying to be more active in getting myself prepared for college whether that means making emma go running with me so that I can force myself to up hold an obligation and thus get things done, or by ordering large amounts of books from the library and making myself read them. The plan at the moment is to set up my future self to be in a position where it has to do things that will be advantageous for even the farther future self. Despite being assured to the contrary, I am still worried about possible lacking the adequatecy of a college student. To counter this I have started reading Gestalt Psychology books, and have ordered more on the way so that I can have a base come those classes. Slotting Japanese into my first year is also troubling. I don't know whether I should be watching anime, or trying to find a free online something, or get more books on it.
Unfortunate side effects include: literally zero motivation to do anything in school. It annoys me that I have not accomplished more in my time in shop especially. If I was serious about doing things I could have made so many things, but instead my procrastination has limited me to only a few. The same goes for art. I was not allowed to present this picture as it "was not mine" despite all I did was look at a smaller picture and then enlarge it on my own (I didn't trace anything).
I can't tell if I need people around me so that I can keep a picture of the world that includes more than just me, or if I need to be alone so that I can retract a little and get these things done. Current feeling is at level 4 I would say. After doing math on my math grade I can't fail it as long as I don't get a zero on my final, so I think I will be alright. I am a little sad philosophy is over. Even though I didn't learn anything, it was nice to have terminology for thoughts that I had, and a peace of mind that others were able to come to such a thought as well. I'm not crazy yet.

A shifting

A new theme song.



Also, just finished archiving and labeling 3000+ emails. I feel so efficient : )

Ca-chooga

Little to really note apart that Philosophy is done, math is still trying to put me into a tar pit, but finally Whitman sent out a course catalog. For some reason I have been able to read pretty easily through the first hundred pages of small font. If I plan things out right, then I should be able to get through college without having to take a large amount of math. Right now looking at Japanese, neurobiology, and psychology as things that I will probably be proficient in. This feels so much like an rpg's skill tree it's ridiculous. Problem though is that this skill tree is trying to be more of everything than the usual level up a ton one aspect. Oh, I should remind myself to get my college schedule up so that I can plan things with people long term.
House is still the bane of my left over time. Ever stealing away precious hours that I have already predetermined for another activity. It's getting far enough along that I can't say that this house won't look nice, but it is to the point where I'd rather just come back from college and have it be completed.
School is finished in about 2 more weeks. Still need to finish projects and tshrits. Reminds me that I need to finish making a Full Metal Alchemist shirt to the joy of many. Transmutation circles are a little hard to put onto shirts due to small-ity of lines.
I suppose I am content at the moment. A recent xkcd has reminded me that many other people can in fact exist and relate to many situations or states of mind. This is reassuring.
I need to start drawing. Hopefully children's book can be completed

Blerg

It has been much time and yet very little has passed. Days are nothing but units of time in which I go to school and waste time. Luckily there isn't that much left of it, but all the same. Nothing happens. I think I will start to get my own books from the library soon and start reading them. English is a joke, and other classes are more motions than actual learning. Goals are currently just to not vere way left and fail something. Basically graduate and survive until college so I can start anew. Social interactions also are just as they have been or have not been. With such a small amount of time left in the year, any thoughts about changing this are futile. Change does not happen is so brief a time. Philosophy is fun, and I still procrastinate a dangerous amount. Focus now is on moving forward, and just putting on the blinders so that I don't need to think about too much. This has of late caused me to fall into an apathetic "go with the flow" mentality which I have always disliked being apart of. It annoys me that I haven't been up to writing more pages either here or in my notebooks, or drawing or what not. Seams to be impossible to drag thoughts of compatibility out entirely though which is sometimes good, sometimes not needed. Money is in need of getting. Can not wait until I finally get my own lap top though. That will be absolutely amazing. This has deteriorated into another rambling, but I will take it as a step forward into writing here again. I started making myself run with Emma. This has been useful in that I need to be running and doing something, and also that Emma doesn't get to hang out much anymore. On a side note, drinking vast amounts of energy drinks is alright as long as you do not need to fall asleep that night. A note to future self, you will just be laying there mad you can't fall asleep, and then the next day you will feel fine. Takes about 20 hours to finally end. Also note to future self. Stop impulse buying. Set a goal, and then get that. Set another goal, and save up. That's how you get the get the best drops for lasting. Having a camera, I should be taking much more pictures and carrying it with me to many more destinations. Taking pictures should force me to make better aware of what's going on around me and predict if i should have it on or not. I'm not entirely sure how I am feeling right now, but I feel as if that feeling would care what I decided to call it so it is probably around a level 3 darker gray.

I need to go on more walks.

: /

Prolonged nothingness has slowly over the last month taken shape into a tangible form and is even now managing to weave itself into a garment that has unfortunately taken a liking to me and follows at my heels. Because I am currently feeling terribly uninspired to write for my philosophy exam I am writing here, throwing up a hope that in my random finger tappings I'll find some meaning or reason to be.
I checked out Ender's Game from the library since I have been unable to get Xenocide from anywhere. I'm taking better notes this time around, and after reading Speaker for the Dead there is still the same sense of amazement at how awesome these books are.
Part of my own fault has been watching more series on youtube and getting music. These so far have been a disruption that I continue to use.
There is frustration that I'm not doing anything. I'm not learning anything, I'm not taking in anything, I feel barely alive. The things I do do not have any effect on my surroundings, and if they do, there are many secrets that I am not privy to.
***
it is now May, and I found this draft while looking once again for inspiration and meaning to be. Xenocide was a useful book and helped a little. Right now time management is still a large problem as I keep finding myself spending large amounts of time either watching people play Smash Bros, or doing something else in which my presence does not matter. Reconnectedness is slipping into a concentrated individualism and putting on the blinders as the relationships around me become less insistent, and can just drift or sit there if that is to be.

Stalin

Floating

I have noticed that over this past week I have been feeling more and more....away from people. I hope that I am not resurfacing the humans are units of meat line of thinking. I have been traped in school and have not been able to play video games, or read books that I need too. I feel like I should be writing more here to better explain this so that I can understand, but I am also feeling a little not motivated to do much of anything. I should go to sleep but I won't just yet.

Note to self: today was stupid

pros: did not cut off fingers, despite math, am still alive.

cons: got stitches, had an imaginary homework grade that applied only to me. I was not even there. I got a zero. Got a D on a math quiz where I have same answers of some one with a B. English teacher for AP lit. cannot handle words with multiple definitions (Ex: flowery). failure has come up and reared its ugly head. Apparently now that I've been accepted to a college, I will now just be subject to ridiculously stupid scenarios whose main goal is stopping me from going to college by any means necessary.
><

Coming and Going

It is currently 630 am, but I feel moved to write something at the moment so I think that I will. Not having to worry about college related things any more has greatly decreased my stress levels down to about what things were like fall last year. I don't have to worry about grades too much, but that isn't taking root as much as I thought it would. I have decided that this second semester is going to be more productive that the first, so I am going to be reading more books and playing more video games hopefully.
There is a more dense and metallic feeling about this second turn. More singular. That being said Whitman can not come soon enough. I am almost ready mentally to feel the crushing sensation of learning. Philosophy classes at UW and psych at school, no matter how simplistic is a nice change of events that I can see will help me keep a good stream of consciousness. Trees of a familiar wood surround me, but their individual trunks are different from the normal. I am not particularly here or there, and at the same time I don't find myself too unsettled. I should learn how to find resources though if I expect to find my way back.


I hope this is not a deadly circle.
At least I have a rock.

YEEEESSSSS!!!!

OMG!

Pie Day!

Apparently there's a council.

Curse you math.

Worry

Ah yes. There you are. And to think I almost started living without you.

Precedents

Working on this post has been troublesome. I had an idea that has slipped just before I started writing so I hope it comes back to me. Pictures have been helping I think.
...!

And with that I remember.

title: Speaker for the Dead.

True to its title, ironically prompted by a teacher who had other plans, I remembered how to like reading and thinking in a way I'm used to. With the opening possibilities of second, and last semester at Kohler, I believe that I can begin to start being better at completing, and doing. I can start reading again at the least. At least at the moment I'm tranquil with how things are, which is probably healthy. I have enough school work to keep me oriented, but not enough to keep me constricted. I still hate offices. I suppose there is more of a settling feeling. But at the same time the idea of colored ribbons, and ancient ruins push themselves forth. At the least, I can camp and stay put, so I will try to. I feel as if my hands are steady enough at the moment that maybe I could take some of those first steps. Paying attention while remembering the spoonful of oil I hold.

The dual reason for this post is to keep me in practice. I have become lax. And my mental powers are paying the price. I must stay sharp. I must stay prepared, and I must adapt to survive, and survive to adapt. I need to remember the reconnectedness I felt not so long ago and grab onto it fully. The Speaker of the Dead reminded me of this. I know it is true because he said it. Maybe I just want it to be true. I still wish that there was a way to at least see things for what they are. I think I am very bad at this. When people speak, I wish instead of hearing their words, I could just understand. I don't care what they say. I want to understand what they mean, and in turn, that they know what I mean.

The Rebirth of the Beginning of the End

(winter playlist
swim
the resolution
17 seconds to anywhere)
Another year has past, and I am still not up to the task of actually fulfilling the plans I set down for myself. Looking back at a previous post, This is one aspect that has not in the least changed. I feel as if the ability that I've had in the past to say meaningful things to myself to help jump start thought an ingenuity have some what dimmed. Mostly because of lack of practice, and not clearing my head before I write these. I have not written enough down, and in turn, will forget too much that should not be. Whatever my rooftop level of thought is has very rarely been able to yell down to the rest of the world what it is, and it is often heard in a way that is unclear. Despite things being slightly disappointing in that regard, equilibrium has still been more than possible, and more great groups are beginning to come into being. Stability is not necessarily part of that, but it has also creeped into places where I'd like it or not. I wish there was a better way to make myself understand what is going on.
A man who holds a snow globe may be witness to a great spectacle and insight to a great city, but mourns that he does not know France, and the Eiffel tower trapped inside. They are not the same, but he is still so close, how much more would it take to let it slip, or to create a new reality?
A friend of mine told me to keep an eye on both the oil, and my surroundings. I believe myself to have been looking somewhere in between, not on one or the other. This has maybe been the least efficient way to do things, but at the least it has been monitored.
Wall-e has probably been the most useful thing I have paid attention to this entire year. There was so much truth and connections confined into a small little robot I can barely comprehend it. It made things real. While last year may have been one of Great Realization, This was one of Great Attempts at Internalizing those realizations. I just hope that understanding those internalizations doesn't take a whole year.