More and more these posts are becoming absolutely necessary for me to stop and look back on. They act as a sort of digital landmark that and I can reorient myself too and figure out what direction to strike off on. So, let's get down to the messy: A Year of Building.
I'm living in China right now. The largest northern city of Harbin located in geographic Siberia. It has been pretty cold so far, but it is going to get down to -30~-40F sometime near late January and February. Just like with Japan, I put myself here and am doing quite well. I'm working as an English training teacher where I teach English to kids after they've already had school. This means that they are sometimes super excited to be not in China schools, but more likely they are not motivated and don't want to be there. I've had to put a hold on literally building anything which is a shame, but I haven't quite abandoned the idea. I graduated college with not the best grades, but I'm still out and I found a job. I'm able to save some money, and have extremely low expenses when I manage to do my own thing.
So, last time it was fun to see a list of what I've accomplished. Somhow I always forget that spring counts as part of the new year. Looking back, i've: passed writtens, passed orals, graduated college, got an A on my thesis, landed a job, traveled to China, began travel around Suzhou and Shanghai, develop understanding about scheduling and work ethic, continue to learn how to interact with people, starting to learn Mandarin, I've upgraded my computer and reconnected with Batman, I worked as a psych intern, and as a museum person for Hara sensei. Most recently, I'm been able to have at least a few mini conversations with people, and am continuing to expand my ability to listen and talk. I've kept a draw 1 hour a day for over 100 days, and started a productivity blog that some people read, started a dreambucket list. Finally, last month I paid off all my student loans. Feels good, man.
Oh yeah, learned to juggle
One of the bigger things that has jump started was reading the 4hr work week. I had many similar ideas, but he clarified them and put them into words that made more sense. Rewatching Batman, and now with the new computer PLAYING Batman Arkham series has really made things click a lot more. December hasn't been a productive month, largely because of it depending on which way you look at it. I've been able to read more books than I thought I'd be able with my new job, and all of this is helping me progress. Another big realization was how fast I can get things done once I know what the end goal is. Apart from a reading issue that caused me to be 3 weeks in the dark about my China future, I moved from one country to another cold in a little less than a month. That still seems like a long time, but since this was for a job rather than a visit, more things were needed. That's pretty cool. People along the way kept helping me out and gave me better treatment/service because I was doing something cool. I think people just like to vicariously live through other's coolness and kind of feel its warmth as it passes by. With that, I've moved from wanting to be LIKE Batman, to realizing I could BE Batman. I'm currently living Bruce's training years, and I've already made some headway down his skillset. I know I'll never be able to have all of Batman's skills or abilities, but at the moment that idea is very tantalizing to me. All of this has combined into trying to give me more confidence in my own abilities, and understanding that persistence with your work and determination are really some of the most valuable character traits one can have. If instead of 30 min, you can work at something for 3 hours a day, you are flying.
So that's what we've got. Making headway, damn good headway too, and it won't be long before I really find something to dig in to. The first step, as it always has been, is to first dig deep into my own actions and behavior. I've definitely gotten better than last year at tracking and getting myself to learn things thanks to art stuffs. I want to be able to draw. I want to have the ability to buckle down and get shit done when it's needed to. Right now, that is still a failing. The routine needs tweaking. The later half of this year has been spent really understanding that you get good at what you do. What you do depends on the routine you set up. These last two years I feel like I've just been coiling up, getting set on my start blocks. With my Golden birthday coming up, and the second half of my first job rolling up, let's explode off. Get the routine, and I will MAKE the Batman, and see where I land.
End: A Year of Building.
Begin: The Take-Off
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Gaining Direction
Since it has been forever and a half since I've said something else, I suppose I'll just jump in.
This last year has been an interesting one in contemplating how one "finds" a passion. One of the problems that has always presented itself to me is that it really isn't that easy. Some have problems just getting excited about anything, or being motivated to do any one thing for a period a time, but none of these problems accurately describe my own. My problem has been that I find SO MANY things interesting enough that I can, and have, thrown entire days and weeks at a time at any one thing. Not so much a problem, but something that complicates the issue is that it seems that if I do throw that kind of time at something, I do pretty well. It doesn't take long for me to go from complete novice to something resembling decent. This hasn't helped in paring down my potential options.
One one hand, I think it would be really cool to build my tiny house idea, learn all the electriciany things, hook up some solar panels, and then make a hydroponics garden I could very easily just start making plans for people and figuring out how to sneak plants into people's homes. On several completely other hands, I could look into video game psychology, and even within that, I could try to design levels, characters, draw, test, research, try to learn to code....pretend I know how to tell a story, I could go and write/illustrate that book that Tracy and I need to write, I could try to beef up my Japanese and somehow combine ALL of that into something.. Just so many things that I could start getting into, and make it seem like they want to be done now.
But at the least, there are some things on the horizon that are catching my attention and making a plan happen. I need to keep drawing, but lately there have been game psychology openings among developers, and and I have a list of skills that they seem to require. There was also an internship open for the Tumbleweed House Company. I'm applying to that in the very near future. All of these are giving me a better idea of what skills I want to have so that I can talk about them. I need to get on C++, I think that unless there is a big opportunity for me out here on the west, that it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to go home, build my house, build my computer and just start cramming on code, game design, and statistics and art. Maybe some ABA stuff too. But there is a plan, and that's more than what I had a while ago.
I still feel pulled in a lot of directions at once, and I still can't believe I know enough of any for someone to pay me any kind of livable wage. It just doesn't make sense to me why someone would hire me out of college with no experience. Perhaps it's just my perspective, but I can't believe I'm at a point in my life where I can pretend to justify someone paying me thousands of dollars to complete a given task. Maybe I just have no faith in employers, maybe I just simply don't have skills, but the idea that someone would agree to pay me even 20-30k is pretty ridiculous. I'm still in the mind set where I don't know how to make an argument for any more of a salary than that without just dropping off and spending 3 years getting better at one skill, or by getting graduate degrees.
I suppose we'll just have to see where things go.. I suppose it may take quite a while. I keep managing to surround myself with people who are excited and have confidence in me, but at the moment, I can't help but feel stupendously average at the tasks I'm completing. Hopefully, if I keep poking away at things I might work to be almost above average at something.
This last year has been an interesting one in contemplating how one "finds" a passion. One of the problems that has always presented itself to me is that it really isn't that easy. Some have problems just getting excited about anything, or being motivated to do any one thing for a period a time, but none of these problems accurately describe my own. My problem has been that I find SO MANY things interesting enough that I can, and have, thrown entire days and weeks at a time at any one thing. Not so much a problem, but something that complicates the issue is that it seems that if I do throw that kind of time at something, I do pretty well. It doesn't take long for me to go from complete novice to something resembling decent. This hasn't helped in paring down my potential options.
One one hand, I think it would be really cool to build my tiny house idea, learn all the electriciany things, hook up some solar panels, and then make a hydroponics garden I could very easily just start making plans for people and figuring out how to sneak plants into people's homes. On several completely other hands, I could look into video game psychology, and even within that, I could try to design levels, characters, draw, test, research, try to learn to code....pretend I know how to tell a story, I could go and write/illustrate that book that Tracy and I need to write, I could try to beef up my Japanese and somehow combine ALL of that into something.. Just so many things that I could start getting into, and make it seem like they want to be done now.
But at the least, there are some things on the horizon that are catching my attention and making a plan happen. I need to keep drawing, but lately there have been game psychology openings among developers, and and I have a list of skills that they seem to require. There was also an internship open for the Tumbleweed House Company. I'm applying to that in the very near future. All of these are giving me a better idea of what skills I want to have so that I can talk about them. I need to get on C++, I think that unless there is a big opportunity for me out here on the west, that it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to go home, build my house, build my computer and just start cramming on code, game design, and statistics and art. Maybe some ABA stuff too. But there is a plan, and that's more than what I had a while ago.
I still feel pulled in a lot of directions at once, and I still can't believe I know enough of any for someone to pay me any kind of livable wage. It just doesn't make sense to me why someone would hire me out of college with no experience. Perhaps it's just my perspective, but I can't believe I'm at a point in my life where I can pretend to justify someone paying me thousands of dollars to complete a given task. Maybe I just have no faith in employers, maybe I just simply don't have skills, but the idea that someone would agree to pay me even 20-30k is pretty ridiculous. I'm still in the mind set where I don't know how to make an argument for any more of a salary than that without just dropping off and spending 3 years getting better at one skill, or by getting graduate degrees.
I suppose we'll just have to see where things go.. I suppose it may take quite a while. I keep managing to surround myself with people who are excited and have confidence in me, but at the moment, I can't help but feel stupendously average at the tasks I'm completing. Hopefully, if I keep poking away at things I might work to be almost above average at something.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Emergence
I have barely used this blog at all this year. I also have not written much in my journal, or any of these things that I already have a record for not doing.
And yet. Here we are.
As I mentioned last year, I think I actually am accomplishing more than I am giving myself credit for. From last year, I completed AKP, I got to see Noriko again and visit Ghibli. I traveled all around Japan, and traveled well. I learned a little more about just asking people for things, information, or favors. Grandma died, and I am still working through that when the topic is broached. I got home, and I got an A in my biology course. I got to see Alex again, and launched into school. After a 37 hour car trip, Karen Tracy and I got to Whitman and the rest is history.Spencer and I have been a delightful roommate pair and the house has been helping us both respectively figure our shit out.
I let Skyrim and Halo happen a little too much, as well as reddit.
Over the summer, while at Mari's cabin, I came into the better realization that the people who get ahead and do things, just keep working. I've even mentioned as much here on this blog, but I started internalizing it a little more. And I realized how simple that actually is. Most people are lazy, and don't apply themselves. Even if you just do 30 minutes a day, you're better off than so, so many others. And that brings me back to here. I'm glad I brought up batman last year. I needed to read that. I'm doing a good job at rounding out my skills and knowledge base. But it can be better. I need to start doing and building and working. I need my weekdays to be workdays, and my weekends to be for play. I need to forge myself before I charge ahead into this new life that awaits me after college. There is still a rough and tough battle between there and now. I am able, I just hope I prepare properly. The first challenge will be writtens. If I am worth my beans, I will start figuring that out. But I am tired of essays, tests, of academia. I need to be able to do my projects. I mean to take a gap year at home, and I want to build. I want to shut up and put my money where my mouth is. I've flippantly vomited my plans onto anyone who will listen. Let's get our tools. Let's get our plans, and let's build miracles.
End: A Year of Placement
Begin: A Year of Building
And yet. Here we are.
As I mentioned last year, I think I actually am accomplishing more than I am giving myself credit for. From last year, I completed AKP, I got to see Noriko again and visit Ghibli. I traveled all around Japan, and traveled well. I learned a little more about just asking people for things, information, or favors. Grandma died, and I am still working through that when the topic is broached. I got home, and I got an A in my biology course. I got to see Alex again, and launched into school. After a 37 hour car trip, Karen Tracy and I got to Whitman and the rest is history.Spencer and I have been a delightful roommate pair and the house has been helping us both respectively figure our shit out.
I let Skyrim and Halo happen a little too much, as well as reddit.
Over the summer, while at Mari's cabin, I came into the better realization that the people who get ahead and do things, just keep working. I've even mentioned as much here on this blog, but I started internalizing it a little more. And I realized how simple that actually is. Most people are lazy, and don't apply themselves. Even if you just do 30 minutes a day, you're better off than so, so many others. And that brings me back to here. I'm glad I brought up batman last year. I needed to read that. I'm doing a good job at rounding out my skills and knowledge base. But it can be better. I need to start doing and building and working. I need my weekdays to be workdays, and my weekends to be for play. I need to forge myself before I charge ahead into this new life that awaits me after college. There is still a rough and tough battle between there and now. I am able, I just hope I prepare properly. The first challenge will be writtens. If I am worth my beans, I will start figuring that out. But I am tired of essays, tests, of academia. I need to be able to do my projects. I mean to take a gap year at home, and I want to build. I want to shut up and put my money where my mouth is. I've flippantly vomited my plans onto anyone who will listen. Let's get our tools. Let's get our plans, and let's build miracles.
End: A Year of Placement
Begin: A Year of Building
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Trail of Questions
I was just thinking the this last week about how people are defined, how they define themselves. As a not so recent Batman movie put it, "It's not our words, but our actions that define us".
I'm not so sure. Or, at the least I'd like to put a different spin on it.
We are defined by the questions we ask, or perhaps by which questions we seek the answers to.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Minimal Maximal
I have been doing a lot this year. I feel like I have not done a good job actually letting myself know how much stuff I've been doing this year. I have learned how to speak ok Japanese. I have learned what a computer is. I have learned basical survival readings. I have started narrowing down my thesis topics, gotten knowledgable about politics and the state of things.
I have learned how to be happy with less. Spencer and I often point out that there may actually come a time where we don't find ourselves wanting things. Right now I don't actually need to buy any more things. I need housing and stuff, but apart from the day to day life, I have books, games, computers and other unnecessary things. Through a mess of factors including understanding more of the political scene, being a little more environmentally aware, and understanding how much of my life has been influenced by American consumerism, I have stumbled on myself striving to start anew. I think I know what I want in a lifestyle, and I think I know what I don't want. The tricky part is removing the later. I don't need many things from my past. They sit around as physical reminders, holding me from time to time, but do not free me.
I am going to miss leaving Japan, but I am very excited for returning to America. I have ideas. I think I can do them. I know I have the ability. I need to royally get my ass in gear where homework and reading is involved, but I think everything will work out.
Another musing is just realizing how amazing any form of income will be. I am worried that I may not find a job right away but even if that is the case, just living on my own somewhere where I can have some peace of mind and my own personal zen hut will be wonderful. Granted, I need to get student loans out of the way. Those will be the hardest thing of all. I hope that maybe by the time I'm 30 I will be rid of them D:
Just the idea that I could potentially have $1000 as my PLAY money is amazing. I fully understand how easy it is for that to disappear with bills and living expenses or houses and cars, but seriously... That's a lot of play money. That is an "Oh. I guess I'll travel. Oh, I guess I get a sick new computer. Oh, I guess I get several hundreds of books. Oh I guess I eat like double the king I was last year. Oh I'll just make it rain cause I can. Oh I'll just pay someone to install kinnect into my house and make my home a living interface."
That's what throws me for a loop. I can just get things if I were to care to.
Even the fact I can be like "eh. don't like living here. To somewhere in Japan, or elsewhere in the world" astounds me. So much power...
I realize I have to get there first, but I'd like to think I have several ok paths infront of me. Bad case scenario, I go and work as starbucks or something. Either way. Will cling to Takemoto and his knowing placement of people.
I am excited to get back to Whitman and start practicing my new life. I think I have done well to make some steps, and I am excited to start not buying things anymore. The list will slowly get whittled away until I can just up and do anything on a whim. That would be the best. Ever.
I have learned how to be happy with less. Spencer and I often point out that there may actually come a time where we don't find ourselves wanting things. Right now I don't actually need to buy any more things. I need housing and stuff, but apart from the day to day life, I have books, games, computers and other unnecessary things. Through a mess of factors including understanding more of the political scene, being a little more environmentally aware, and understanding how much of my life has been influenced by American consumerism, I have stumbled on myself striving to start anew. I think I know what I want in a lifestyle, and I think I know what I don't want. The tricky part is removing the later. I don't need many things from my past. They sit around as physical reminders, holding me from time to time, but do not free me.
I am going to miss leaving Japan, but I am very excited for returning to America. I have ideas. I think I can do them. I know I have the ability. I need to royally get my ass in gear where homework and reading is involved, but I think everything will work out.
Another musing is just realizing how amazing any form of income will be. I am worried that I may not find a job right away but even if that is the case, just living on my own somewhere where I can have some peace of mind and my own personal zen hut will be wonderful. Granted, I need to get student loans out of the way. Those will be the hardest thing of all. I hope that maybe by the time I'm 30 I will be rid of them D:
Just the idea that I could potentially have $1000 as my PLAY money is amazing. I fully understand how easy it is for that to disappear with bills and living expenses or houses and cars, but seriously... That's a lot of play money. That is an "Oh. I guess I'll travel. Oh, I guess I get a sick new computer. Oh, I guess I get several hundreds of books. Oh I guess I eat like double the king I was last year. Oh I'll just make it rain cause I can. Oh I'll just pay someone to install kinnect into my house and make my home a living interface."
That's what throws me for a loop. I can just get things if I were to care to.
Even the fact I can be like "eh. don't like living here. To somewhere in Japan, or elsewhere in the world" astounds me. So much power...
I realize I have to get there first, but I'd like to think I have several ok paths infront of me. Bad case scenario, I go and work as starbucks or something. Either way. Will cling to Takemoto and his knowing placement of people.
I am excited to get back to Whitman and start practicing my new life. I think I have done well to make some steps, and I am excited to start not buying things anymore. The list will slowly get whittled away until I can just up and do anything on a whim. That would be the best. Ever.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Lord Vader, Rise
(I apologize for quoting the false trilogy)
“Begin: a year of placement”
I am currently in Japan. I have placed myself here and am working on getting my mind around learning. This has been a very interesting year. It looks like I will continue to attend Whitman, Grandma pulled through, I got my AKP things in, had to talk it out with a few womens of upstanding class, hold some people together, worked on a psychology, achieved 10 mile running ability.
In terms of learning, I became aware of how to dress dapperly, move my money, question everything when I need to, dance, and even how to build my own computer.
Japanese is still pending.
It’s almost insane to actually think about how much I am able to get done when I look at the names of items, and yet, how utter lazy I feel other days, or take a look back on my day. I waste so, SO much time not getting my goals done. I still have yet to really try at Japanese, and that is something that must start sooner than later. I am making steps, but I am not there.
I think there is one very large thing that I am not giving enough credit to. I am actually consciously feeling like a responsible person. What I mean is that I feel like I am taking huge steps into the “adult” world and with the coming graduation of college, being well traveled and my own portable living space (Read: computer and sleeping bag) I will be ready to seek this job thing. I don’t have much actual direction for where I want to go, but I will c
I’ve been watching some of the batman beyond shows. Weird to realize that those are now ten years old and that when they came on I wasn’t even really a fan of them because I liked the original all the better. That’s weird to think. I even got really annoyed when I came across that project zeta cross over. That was such a dumb idea. Anyway, it’s made me realize that I need to clean up my act. That was the whole reason I got into college. I wanted to be like Batman. I wanted to strive for that mix of ability of a powerful will, a sharp mind, and the physicality to do whatever I put my mind to. Taking a moment to look back on recent weeks, I have strayed from that. I have been easy. I have let others do my thinking and deciding for me. That’s not what Batman does. Batman fights the hard fight. He sleuths, he gets educated, he works through pain and does not waiver. Crime fighter, successful, self motivated, well dressed, and skilled. I need to make better use of my time.
It’s time to stop taking the small steps of self-improvement. I’ve wadled long enough.
Let’s work. Let’s start studying, put our heads down, and start running. I’ve thought for a long time on what I what to be, and many ways to get there, but I feel I’ve always known the answer. It’s time to capitalize on that. I am a man of talents, and collector of stories. I will make my own. And it will be awesome.
Some of the things I will be working on this next year:
Japanese language skills
Political awareness
Dressing appropriately fashionable
Shaving like a gentleman
Fitness level up
Survival skills and knowledge
Computer components and how they work
Build a computer
Reading more by decreasing internet usage
Cooking like a cook
Become financial wizard
Thesis level up
“Begin: a year of placement”
I am currently in Japan. I have placed myself here and am working on getting my mind around learning. This has been a very interesting year. It looks like I will continue to attend Whitman, Grandma pulled through, I got my AKP things in, had to talk it out with a few womens of upstanding class, hold some people together, worked on a psychology, achieved 10 mile running ability.
In terms of learning, I became aware of how to dress dapperly, move my money, question everything when I need to, dance, and even how to build my own computer.
Japanese is still pending.
It’s almost insane to actually think about how much I am able to get done when I look at the names of items, and yet, how utter lazy I feel other days, or take a look back on my day. I waste so, SO much time not getting my goals done. I still have yet to really try at Japanese, and that is something that must start sooner than later. I am making steps, but I am not there.
I think there is one very large thing that I am not giving enough credit to. I am actually consciously feeling like a responsible person. What I mean is that I feel like I am taking huge steps into the “adult” world and with the coming graduation of college, being well traveled and my own portable living space (Read: computer and sleeping bag) I will be ready to seek this job thing. I don’t have much actual direction for where I want to go, but I will c
I’ve been watching some of the batman beyond shows. Weird to realize that those are now ten years old and that when they came on I wasn’t even really a fan of them because I liked the original all the better. That’s weird to think. I even got really annoyed when I came across that project zeta cross over. That was such a dumb idea. Anyway, it’s made me realize that I need to clean up my act. That was the whole reason I got into college. I wanted to be like Batman. I wanted to strive for that mix of ability of a powerful will, a sharp mind, and the physicality to do whatever I put my mind to. Taking a moment to look back on recent weeks, I have strayed from that. I have been easy. I have let others do my thinking and deciding for me. That’s not what Batman does. Batman fights the hard fight. He sleuths, he gets educated, he works through pain and does not waiver. Crime fighter, successful, self motivated, well dressed, and skilled. I need to make better use of my time.
It’s time to stop taking the small steps of self-improvement. I’ve wadled long enough.
Let’s work. Let’s start studying, put our heads down, and start running. I’ve thought for a long time on what I what to be, and many ways to get there, but I feel I’ve always known the answer. It’s time to capitalize on that. I am a man of talents, and collector of stories. I will make my own. And it will be awesome.
Some of the things I will be working on this next year:
Japanese language skills
Political awareness
Dressing appropriately fashionable
Shaving like a gentleman
Fitness level up
Survival skills and knowledge
Computer components and how they work
Build a computer
Reading more by decreasing internet usage
Cooking like a cook
Become financial wizard
Thesis level up
Friday, July 8, 2011
Bring it arrrouund towwn
(pics of trip home)
As the first post in a while, things have been a little crazy. School has finally gotten out, and I'm at least feeling much better, much more manageable. The usual summer annoyance is that now I am not keeping to the schedule I've laid out for myself. I haven't been lax, so to speak, but just not exactly doing what it says. Lately, this last month I've been interrupting myself in order to have conversations with others or making sure that I can be around to listen to someone rather than finish a book or rereading homestuck.
I have had some great moments that need remembering. Visiting home and having everyone actually show up to the CheeseCake Factory was amazing. I really didn't expect everyone to show up like they did. Getting to see everyone around the Midwest was just great. Very grounding to get back and touch everything again. Have my dog remind me I'm a jerk who never calls, and sit down with my grandparents. Driving up the long hours in order to see Alex again was a good idea. Hiking around and eating food was rather enjoyable.
It has been along time since I've been able to see people, and unfortunately it means that I have to filter the people I see based on time and managability. It's not something that I'm looking forward to in the coming years when people only get farther, and farther apart. So, to make a point. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be everywhere at once and I'm sorry that I can't see most of the people I want to.
As the first post in a while, things have been a little crazy. School has finally gotten out, and I'm at least feeling much better, much more manageable. The usual summer annoyance is that now I am not keeping to the schedule I've laid out for myself. I haven't been lax, so to speak, but just not exactly doing what it says. Lately, this last month I've been interrupting myself in order to have conversations with others or making sure that I can be around to listen to someone rather than finish a book or rereading homestuck.
I have had some great moments that need remembering. Visiting home and having everyone actually show up to the CheeseCake Factory was amazing. I really didn't expect everyone to show up like they did. Getting to see everyone around the Midwest was just great. Very grounding to get back and touch everything again. Have my dog remind me I'm a jerk who never calls, and sit down with my grandparents. Driving up the long hours in order to see Alex again was a good idea. Hiking around and eating food was rather enjoyable.
It has been along time since I've been able to see people, and unfortunately it means that I have to filter the people I see based on time and managability. It's not something that I'm looking forward to in the coming years when people only get farther, and farther apart. So, to make a point. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be everywhere at once and I'm sorry that I can't see most of the people I want to.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Spaces
Yet another research paper, yet another 3am post. I am not enjoying the pattern in these schedules.
I feel like I need to start drawing again. I need to return to my world of creation and shapes. Once, I was nearly to the edge. I was close. I was close enough that I could pear over the precipice and see the downward slope toward the grove of goals. They were right there.
Every now and then I need to remember that I am stretched thin. I am so used, so at ease to be thinking in multiple times, multiple places, and maneuver through the world on the fly. It is how I am. It is me. It is what I do.
But I am tired.
I am really, really tired.
I am in too many places. I am in too many times. I am not here. I am not when. I am not what.
There is no chance for a full revival. Only stim packs and the random chanced upon reminder. A fleeting shimmer. A green leaf amongst a sea of yellow.
Too many traps. Too many dwellings. Too many don't matter. Not enough matter.
Stop. Move. Flow. Settle. Be. Expand, but return home. Travel forth, but hold a spoonful of oil. Drink from the sea and wrap yourself in the lonely, fickle wind. Give it a friend for the moment. Show it softness in order to remember your own softness and grip. Breathe. Find your motion. Find your cycle.
Find your place.
Retract. Center. Find security, find safety. Find a hill to roll down. Find a tree to climb. Let its slow hands reach up and lift you in its concerned skyward embrace.
Make yellow dance against a backdrop of seafoam orbs and lavender oranges.
Touch colors, smell the sights, taste the music.
Remember.
**reboot.
grow.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Pressures
It is 2 am, I have a research paper due in the afternoon, and I am writing on my blag.
Well, cheerio then.
I do not believe that people are as attuned to pressures and weight as they might think they are. On the whole, I would actually say that most people do not actually understand what it means to do something "softly". Lately, I have been reading several books on personality assessment through nonverbal language, microexpressions, nonverbal communication, and linguistic metamessages (also, I highly recommend reading Deborah Tannings works).
Am I suggesting that people do not know how to control their own bodies, and thus do not know what it means to move "softly"? No. I would say that most people are extremely aware of their bodies. From the uncoordinated gamer to the dexterous harp player, I would guess everyone is aware of what their bodies are doing. I would not say, however, that they know why they are moving the way they are, what their flow is, what they are communicating, or to what degree they are participating in any of these actions. People can be beautiful sports players, and refined cooks and still not have an idea as to what "softness", or more specifically, "pressure" is.
Softness in movement is different from softness of physical description. I feel vaguely hypocritical even writing this because I know I have only personally experienced the tip of this ice berg. I do not feel as if I entirely understand enough to communicate about it, but I have to say I know enough that I can feel it, and I can notice it. In the most basic form, softness is something not forceful, hard, ridged, or inflexible. It is tender, accepting, conforming, and unimposing. I want to focus on unimposing for a moment.
unimposing, to me, goes hand in hand with a form of intimate respect. There is an underlying respect to softness. It has its own form to hold, but it is still respectful of the form and pressures that are being placed upon it. A small agreement of identities if you will. It is this relationship that I'm not sure too many people understand, and then are able to act upon. From my own experience (and earlier discussion on a seemingly universal "flow" in movements and activities), here are some examples of underlying respect, and careers I would expect people would have to intimate with this idea in order to survive.
-Dancing
-Drawing
-Slack rope
-Climbing
-Soccer
-Cooking
-Any musical instrument, or faculty
-Any martial arts
-To an extent, writing and story telling
-Architecture
-Making friends
-Keeping your friends
-Keeping your friends healthy
This semester, I have been rubbing a lot of backs. This is not where the thought came from, but it certainly seems to be the most frequent example where I can practice this thought. Touch is a gradient. In order for a touch to be soft, there must be a hardness, a stiffness with which to contrast it with. Otherwise, if you rub someone's back, you will be unable to adapt to the necessary tension points, and your friend will be disappointed. Softness is also a gradient. There is a light softness, and hard softness. It is still accepting, but it doesn't quite bend so easily to the identity of the incoming other. A dance of distances, a dance of pressures.
The reason I feel people do not practice this is because the overwhelming amount of motions I see are heavy. They are weighty, almost as if someone is swinging a heavy rock around on a string. There is fluidity because of the constant motion of the swinging rock, but there is still a heavy cadence. It thuds, it rolls awkwardly down a stairs, it stutters.
Watching someone who moves both softly, and smoothly is something that's near awe inspiring to me. There is an amazing amount of respect actively being shown between both the state of mind, and the body's capabilities, and the nature of the environment it is working it.
Well, cheerio then.
I do not believe that people are as attuned to pressures and weight as they might think they are. On the whole, I would actually say that most people do not actually understand what it means to do something "softly". Lately, I have been reading several books on personality assessment through nonverbal language, microexpressions, nonverbal communication, and linguistic metamessages (also, I highly recommend reading Deborah Tannings works).
Am I suggesting that people do not know how to control their own bodies, and thus do not know what it means to move "softly"? No. I would say that most people are extremely aware of their bodies. From the uncoordinated gamer to the dexterous harp player, I would guess everyone is aware of what their bodies are doing. I would not say, however, that they know why they are moving the way they are, what their flow is, what they are communicating, or to what degree they are participating in any of these actions. People can be beautiful sports players, and refined cooks and still not have an idea as to what "softness", or more specifically, "pressure" is.
Softness in movement is different from softness of physical description. I feel vaguely hypocritical even writing this because I know I have only personally experienced the tip of this ice berg. I do not feel as if I entirely understand enough to communicate about it, but I have to say I know enough that I can feel it, and I can notice it. In the most basic form, softness is something not forceful, hard, ridged, or inflexible. It is tender, accepting, conforming, and unimposing. I want to focus on unimposing for a moment.
unimposing, to me, goes hand in hand with a form of intimate respect. There is an underlying respect to softness. It has its own form to hold, but it is still respectful of the form and pressures that are being placed upon it. A small agreement of identities if you will. It is this relationship that I'm not sure too many people understand, and then are able to act upon. From my own experience (and earlier discussion on a seemingly universal "flow" in movements and activities), here are some examples of underlying respect, and careers I would expect people would have to intimate with this idea in order to survive.
-Dancing
-Drawing
-Slack rope
-Climbing
-Soccer
-Cooking
-Any musical instrument, or faculty
-Any martial arts
-To an extent, writing and story telling
-Architecture
-Making friends
-Keeping your friends
-Keeping your friends healthy
This semester, I have been rubbing a lot of backs. This is not where the thought came from, but it certainly seems to be the most frequent example where I can practice this thought. Touch is a gradient. In order for a touch to be soft, there must be a hardness, a stiffness with which to contrast it with. Otherwise, if you rub someone's back, you will be unable to adapt to the necessary tension points, and your friend will be disappointed. Softness is also a gradient. There is a light softness, and hard softness. It is still accepting, but it doesn't quite bend so easily to the identity of the incoming other. A dance of distances, a dance of pressures.
The reason I feel people do not practice this is because the overwhelming amount of motions I see are heavy. They are weighty, almost as if someone is swinging a heavy rock around on a string. There is fluidity because of the constant motion of the swinging rock, but there is still a heavy cadence. It thuds, it rolls awkwardly down a stairs, it stutters.
Watching someone who moves both softly, and smoothly is something that's near awe inspiring to me. There is an amazing amount of respect actively being shown between both the state of mind, and the body's capabilities, and the nature of the environment it is working it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
There Is A Miscommunication There
This will be written when I have time to dedicate to it. The bare bones of this post will focus on the miscommunication people have with me when I say something a kin to "I should have been able to do such-and-such. That would have prevented this" or "Its my fault, because I didn't try hard enough here, and because I was not enough, this negative thing resulted". They tend to immediately yell/whine at me for taking an impossible stance in which the situation is outside of my control and that I am now suffering irresponsibly and out of proportion to my actual possible involvement in the situation.
I will continue to write something about how the whole point that I even make such a statement is because there WAS a point in which had I actually been acting in ways that I feel are within my ability and potential, I should have been able to positively affect the situation. This would have been accomplished by actually being the creature, the 'Sam' that I hold my standard self perception to. The best possible Sam should have been able to make a difference. I am not, and have never been, and will probably never be Best Possible Sam. I know this, and I know when I don't have control over things. However, that doesn't excuse me as a bystandard observer to simply watch something happen. I should be able to say clutch words. I should be able to pick others up. I should be able to have relavent skills for future endeavors and adventures.
I should be prepared, and these situations show that I am still lacking in one respect or another from Best Possible Sam.
This ties into why I feel compelled to learn as much as I possibly can. I know nothing. I can do just a few things well, or at least ok. I am not terribly proficient at practically anything. I could at least try to be competent. I could at least try to be not dumb.
I will continue to write something about how the whole point that I even make such a statement is because there WAS a point in which had I actually been acting in ways that I feel are within my ability and potential, I should have been able to positively affect the situation. This would have been accomplished by actually being the creature, the 'Sam' that I hold my standard self perception to. The best possible Sam should have been able to make a difference. I am not, and have never been, and will probably never be Best Possible Sam. I know this, and I know when I don't have control over things. However, that doesn't excuse me as a bystandard observer to simply watch something happen. I should be able to say clutch words. I should be able to pick others up. I should be able to have relavent skills for future endeavors and adventures.
I should be prepared, and these situations show that I am still lacking in one respect or another from Best Possible Sam.
This ties into why I feel compelled to learn as much as I possibly can. I know nothing. I can do just a few things well, or at least ok. I am not terribly proficient at practically anything. I could at least try to be competent. I could at least try to be not dumb.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Working Title
So, I will add more to this later on today, but I am getting a little confused by this.
Actually, no. Realized anything I could ever verbalize into words is best put in rage face form. If anything, this is more proof that i should try to make an effort to get something meaningful thrown down on this webzone.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Working Half-Awake
The last 24-36 hours have been a little interesting. Reminding me again that everything is different, but nothing has changed. Getting back into the flow of working despite being tripped a little was a little difficult but there are still railings that I can sieze should gravity or parasitic growth. I've managed to keep my eyes around me on the vast tapestries around me in order to remind me and remember how to move and flow.
Somehow Past Sam always knows what to say. If only someday Future Sam could drop a line.
Somehow Past Sam always knows what to say. If only someday Future Sam could drop a line.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Close Enough
It is just a little off, but still about 16 hours away from Friday afternoon. This week has been moving unbelievably slow. I've been working pretty hard I think to make everything work out the way that it needs to. I've prepared a net for myself this time, and have some pretty good hand holds if I need them. I feel tingly and a pretty sleepy. Just want to get this over. Could have maybe even finished it today, but that wasn't the plan. The hour is drawing near and I will be able to embrace it. This very post is even another way for me to be doing something and still move time along.
I feel so fussy.
Needs to be tomorrow already.
Apart from this, things are proceeding well. I will be able to safely navigate this semester if this first week is any sort of a standard. I have been level, I have been moving. I have been given pieces that could be my future, and this weekend I will take steps to grasp them. I will continue to work on and finish drawing and painting some of the portraits for the grandmas.
Forgive me Wisconsin, I know I am not as good a son as I could be. Instead I merely give you the bare minimum. I am trying hard to change this so that I might finally be rid of it and actually earn the praise you've bestowed on me.
Thanks everyone.
I will not make you liars.
Rest assured, I don't break promises.
I feel so fussy.
Needs to be tomorrow already.
Apart from this, things are proceeding well. I will be able to safely navigate this semester if this first week is any sort of a standard. I have been level, I have been moving. I have been given pieces that could be my future, and this weekend I will take steps to grasp them. I will continue to work on and finish drawing and painting some of the portraits for the grandmas.
Forgive me Wisconsin, I know I am not as good a son as I could be. Instead I merely give you the bare minimum. I am trying hard to change this so that I might finally be rid of it and actually earn the praise you've bestowed on me.
Thanks everyone.
I will not make you liars.
Rest assured, I don't break promises.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I Got This
I have recently returned to Whitman after a long and necessary break. When I left, I was near convinced that lives were crumbling, options disappearing because of my own lack of tact, as well as being more personally affected by others problems than I had even initially intended. Work had taken over most of my day, and when it was time to unwind and sleep, all that came around was reminders of could-have-beens, and the worst possible interpretations of events under the guise of "at least then I'll be prepared when they happen".
Three times became one, and strings from the past pulled all too strongly in order for future projections to be lived in sickening realism and accuracy. It reminded me strongly of how I felt when I was kind of grabbing for things three years ago. It would have been a lot harder to get through the last week without my Whitman Family. So thank you Mari, thank you Diana, thank you Daniel, and thank you Spencer for being such a great roommate.
That being said, also thank you my Wisconsin brothers for the winter break. I am not sure when we will all be assembled again, but I was glad I could see everyone at least once. I am sorry I did not get to have a farm party mom. When I get back we will dance in the only way does with a puppy, pizza, and too much slippery hardwood floor.
I was happy to have seen Grandma and know that she is doing a little better. I am a little shaken by how well I was able to accurately guess how the scene was presented to me. It was good to be able to talk to her and know that she might be out by spring. I look forward to spending time with you the next summer I am home.
The last semester was, looking back, filled with awkward gaps and runs of motion. While things really didn't move all that differently from freshmen year, I just feel as if something... wasn't quite there. In many ways it was much better and much healthier, but I feel as if my momentum was not always very constant. This semester, this moment in time I am reminded that if things are to be done, I must be the one to place the foundation stone by stone. I am back with my friends, and some of the people I trust the most if some unforeseeable thing happens to spring. I am not breathing quite as quickly, and I know that this equilibrium is not going to be disrupted. I am reminded of a Bill Nye the Science Guy episode on solids and liquids.
I am a liquid, happy and unafraid to fill unfamiliar and empty containers.
There's too much to do, but there is exactly enough time to do it.
Starting...now.
Three times became one, and strings from the past pulled all too strongly in order for future projections to be lived in sickening realism and accuracy. It reminded me strongly of how I felt when I was kind of grabbing for things three years ago. It would have been a lot harder to get through the last week without my Whitman Family. So thank you Mari, thank you Diana, thank you Daniel, and thank you Spencer for being such a great roommate.
That being said, also thank you my Wisconsin brothers for the winter break. I am not sure when we will all be assembled again, but I was glad I could see everyone at least once. I am sorry I did not get to have a farm party mom. When I get back we will dance in the only way does with a puppy, pizza, and too much slippery hardwood floor.
I was happy to have seen Grandma and know that she is doing a little better. I am a little shaken by how well I was able to accurately guess how the scene was presented to me. It was good to be able to talk to her and know that she might be out by spring. I look forward to spending time with you the next summer I am home.
The last semester was, looking back, filled with awkward gaps and runs of motion. While things really didn't move all that differently from freshmen year, I just feel as if something... wasn't quite there. In many ways it was much better and much healthier, but I feel as if my momentum was not always very constant. This semester, this moment in time I am reminded that if things are to be done, I must be the one to place the foundation stone by stone. I am back with my friends, and some of the people I trust the most if some unforeseeable thing happens to spring. I am not breathing quite as quickly, and I know that this equilibrium is not going to be disrupted. I am reminded of a Bill Nye the Science Guy episode on solids and liquids.
I am a liquid, happy and unafraid to fill unfamiliar and empty containers.
There's too much to do, but there is exactly enough time to do it.
Starting...now.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Recontinued Remember pt. 4
Three times at once.
This is a topic that I am not sure I can speak for many people on either thorough observation, or guessing at possible perspectives. For my own introspective curiosity then, I will try to describe what I mean by my perception of time and how hard it is sometimes to remain in one specific period for too long.
When I think about time, It comes to me as this foggy path with a orange glowing strand of string running back as far as I can see, and as far infront of me into the fog as I can tell. When I am looking to understand a past event, guess my present condition, or guess a future action, all three are extremely persistant in vying for my attention. It is, from my observations of others, easier for me than others to become trapped in the past, or removed into the future. I have become pretty good at removing myself from the present and have had numerous times where I feel as if my central core of thought and mind is not located within my body, but rather from a third person view, seeing myself as a character moving through some motions while I am held to watch in an objective attention. What this person does doesn't mean anything to me. I wonder how he will rectify this, or solve that. Whether the ease to which I can slip into this mode is a side effect of practicing effective roleplaying, or if this has actually helped me take other's points of view I cannot say. It is a little difficult to explain how one thinks of three separate times simultaneously, but that is, I think, the best word for it. I relive my mistakes in the same instant that I move to make sure they do not repeat themselves, as well as try my best to realistically imagine how my life might be better or worse because of my actions or words. It is bizarre, because it happens so fast, and sometimes both fast, and for a long time. Almost like a..semi controlled panic attack that jumps planes. What I think is important to note is that I do not just remember or imagine the past and future, but I live them. Touch, smell, tone, lighting, objects, emotions, how hard my hand is clenched, where I am located in my house, in the state, in the world, what the weather is like, how others around me have spoken, or will speak, how full I am, what background noises am I hearing. This is what I mean. This is why it is hard for me to stay in one place because at times I am living three lives at once, and despite their overlapping, it is still chaotic.
Looking into the fog, I can roughly see where the line of light has disappeared, but from there, the strand becomes less obvious and splits into a multitude of paths. Looking back I can see the rainbow of decisions and course alterations.
"It is today already, but it is not Tomorrow yet."
-Me
This is a topic that I am not sure I can speak for many people on either thorough observation, or guessing at possible perspectives. For my own introspective curiosity then, I will try to describe what I mean by my perception of time and how hard it is sometimes to remain in one specific period for too long.
When I think about time, It comes to me as this foggy path with a orange glowing strand of string running back as far as I can see, and as far infront of me into the fog as I can tell. When I am looking to understand a past event, guess my present condition, or guess a future action, all three are extremely persistant in vying for my attention. It is, from my observations of others, easier for me than others to become trapped in the past, or removed into the future. I have become pretty good at removing myself from the present and have had numerous times where I feel as if my central core of thought and mind is not located within my body, but rather from a third person view, seeing myself as a character moving through some motions while I am held to watch in an objective attention. What this person does doesn't mean anything to me. I wonder how he will rectify this, or solve that. Whether the ease to which I can slip into this mode is a side effect of practicing effective roleplaying, or if this has actually helped me take other's points of view I cannot say. It is a little difficult to explain how one thinks of three separate times simultaneously, but that is, I think, the best word for it. I relive my mistakes in the same instant that I move to make sure they do not repeat themselves, as well as try my best to realistically imagine how my life might be better or worse because of my actions or words. It is bizarre, because it happens so fast, and sometimes both fast, and for a long time. Almost like a..semi controlled panic attack that jumps planes. What I think is important to note is that I do not just remember or imagine the past and future, but I live them. Touch, smell, tone, lighting, objects, emotions, how hard my hand is clenched, where I am located in my house, in the state, in the world, what the weather is like, how others around me have spoken, or will speak, how full I am, what background noises am I hearing. This is what I mean. This is why it is hard for me to stay in one place because at times I am living three lives at once, and despite their overlapping, it is still chaotic.
Looking into the fog, I can roughly see where the line of light has disappeared, but from there, the strand becomes less obvious and splits into a multitude of paths. Looking back I can see the rainbow of decisions and course alterations.
"It is today already, but it is not Tomorrow yet."
-Me
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