There Is A Miscommunication There

This will be written when I have time to dedicate to it. The bare bones of this post will focus on the miscommunication people have with me when I say something a kin to "I should have been able to do such-and-such. That would have prevented this" or "Its my fault, because I didn't try hard enough here, and because I was not enough, this negative thing resulted". They tend to immediately yell/whine at me for taking an impossible stance in which the situation is outside of my control and that I am now suffering irresponsibly and out of proportion to my actual possible involvement in the situation.

I will continue to write something about how the whole point that I even make such a statement is because there WAS a point in which had I actually been acting in ways that I feel are within my ability and potential, I should have been able to positively affect the situation. This would have been accomplished by actually being the creature, the 'Sam' that I hold my standard self perception to. The best possible Sam should have been able to make a difference. I am not, and have never been, and will probably never be Best Possible Sam. I know this, and I know when I don't have control over things. However, that doesn't excuse me as a bystandard observer to simply watch something happen. I should be able to say clutch words. I should be able to pick others up. I should be able to have relavent skills for future endeavors and adventures.

I should be prepared, and these situations show that I am still lacking in one respect or another from Best Possible Sam.

This ties into why I feel compelled to learn as much as I possibly can. I know nothing. I can do just a few things well, or at least ok. I am not terribly proficient at practically anything. I could at least try to be competent. I could at least try to be not dumb.

Working Title

So, I will add more to this later on today, but I am getting a little confused by this.

Actually, no. Realized anything I could ever verbalize into words is best put in rage face form. If anything, this is more proof that i should try to make an effort to get something meaningful thrown down on this webzone.

Dive back into the grey and Portles of the Land

Happy post Thanks giving,

Covering time from about Tuesday on, there finally was a large amount of snow in the Wallas to the point that it was definitely a winter. The really cold happened after we left but for the time being it was nice to have a winter with everyone who usually don't get that much snow. Before heading out things got pretty gobbled and sticky feeling so it was a little bit hard to fully enjoy or be bound to the present. Too much in too many places needed to be thought of at the same time and is one of the first times in a while that I've let that happen. The time that transpired after this, however, was some of the most precisely applied aid I've seen yet.
Thank you Mari for everything. The 48ish hours I guested at your house was exactly what I needed. Thank you for the conversation, perspective, and laid-backedness. Thanks for the remember, and thanks for making the invitation in the first place because I probably would not have asked to stay over. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Portland greeted me with one of the best nerd dens I've seen in a while. So much anime, so much games, so much potential, it is lovely. There will be par cour, there has and will be good food, and as most breaks happen are ending too quickly. I finally was able to meet T1 (Trace) and that was wonderful. He gave me a flute he made so now I must learn how to play it well.

I will add to this post with another post later when I have a little more time in the day to properly explain this break and what is up.

Oh Yeah.

Fall leaves and bouncy balls

Sitting in the library on a warm sunday afternoon surrounded by colors once more I feel as if I should make another small contribution. I believe that in this next week or so I will be doing a better job at updating things, particularly the drafts I started last year that were inspired after a few late night talks with Tracy. I'm still not sure exactly how much I should be adding to this blog. I recognize that it generally helps to write things down for contemplation later.
Nothing is small.

My original goal was to try and match, if not increase the number of posts from the last year, but I fear that with an increase in work, and a decrease in my /need/ to write it is becoming harder to remember how useful it is to just spit word shapes onto a screen.

At the moment green seaweed, black backdrop, white redorange baubles.
The otherday I spent alot of time listening to courage wolf. I have to say that it's quite empowering. Just the simple concept.
Just got and achieve something. Do whatever it takes, cast of opposition like petty droplets of rain desperately clinging to your coat. Not just achieve but go out and and ruthlessly destroy anything that could stop you. If you are defeated, WALK IT OFF.

I've also discovered somewhat the positive aspects of actually trusting people to make things wok our. Where I may have once just thought about all available information to overkill and then continue until I found a downward spiral of logic, it has saved considerable stress by just removing myself from the immediate metas and just letting people be people whom I will respond appropriately with. And if there is ever anything to be sure of, it is that people are very good at responding. They have to know what is going on of course, levels of perception are different after all. For instance I have no idea what sort of minor facial expressions I have made over the course of writing this post. However, I bet there's someone who may be very tuned into how their face moves. Some people are unable to report or comment on their emotions simply because they aren't tuned into that awareness level or minute detail. Even if they COULD there is no guarantee if they can accurately share their subjective experiences. Things get muddled. Things get stupid.

Don't ever underestimate your influence on others. Don't ever become over confident of your influence on others.

I have recently been putting a lot of thought towards this idea of mine I'm calling social gravity. Similar to relativity, if a planet's gravity warps the fabric of space time, what if individuals also have this sort of social gravity able to warp situations simply by being there. I have never thought of myself as being the origin point for this gravitational pull as, from my perspective, I generally don't offer all that much in social situations. I will either be talkative but not exactly essential to the conversations, more like added side-ins, or I draw myself in and observe silently. This year I have been noticing more and more how people, at least when around me, have started to pick up my mannerisms. Most of the entire Japanese house has taken up randomly beat boxing, or changing their voices when recounting a story dependent on the character speaking. To me these things are characteristic of someone is particularly charismatic which does not fit my own view of myself. I can't express how strange it is to think of myself as having an influence on people the same way I perceive others having an influence on myself.

I climbed a tree the other day and had a good talk with myself for about an hour. There is just something about getting up high above the modernity of my dailyhood and just sitting amongst some sturdy branches. The nostalgic smell of red maple and pigeons skimming my head in the late afternoon. Everything becomes still and simple. Complications like mosquitos only follow you up about thirty feet. Climb for escape, climb for perspective, climb for rhythm, climb for forward movement, climb for peace of mind and understanding.

Learn, be

Adapt

Listen

Make Flow.

Nothing Ever helps

手つだて下さい。

I am trying to work a little more at Japanese immersion. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing but I still need to get things together and understand what exactly I am doing and what that means. I watched Naussica the other day, and Up not too long ago. These movies have helped. I remembered the same feeling of mystery and engagement I had when watching Naussica on cartoon network wondering why it seemed so good. Only later to realize that it was a Miyazaki film. I am doing an interesting mixing of perspectives and colors that are running along with my movement, but never completely fading out of view regardless of intent. On a completely different side note, Chemistry is indeed just raising up my want to learn Biology to get away from math. Concepts without math is better. Unless I have to do math in order to do Psychology or art, then I seriously lack interest and have noticed that I nearly shut down in the presence of numbers. Too many bad experiences. I'd much rather learn and memorize how muscle cells communicate to each other so that I know what to eat and placebo me a better twitch response.
I just want things to fit. Things should fit.
Equilibrium has not set in yet and It is almost over. I have had almost zero effect on the world and those around me and it is already one year gone. Too few achievements. Too little working, too little doing. Too little fitting. What people did not mention about college is that everyone else is always busy too.

Amber, 45 degree upper left crimson clouds perspective

Thanks Tracy
music
Social Psychology has been very reassuring that I am pursuing something that is of great interest. Reading is not a chore, and I may soon just go ahead and finish the book. This is the psychology I am interested in and most familiar with. This is a class that I feel I must do well at and cannot fail. Productivity has stalled over the last week, but it is making a return. Refresh, reboot, step forward. I watched a few episodes of Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood again this weekend. After taking breaks in between watching large amounts of the show I am always hit with a very heavy, very real realization. Ed and Al never, NEVER stop trying. They never stop moving forward. They have a goal, and they not only strive for this with everything they have, but they do not lose their own identities through their fight. They have seen people killed, murdered, tortured, sacrificed. They have only each other, and have barely any friends who they can speak to about their past, or uncovered secrets. A particular scene that sticks with me is in the original series in which they come to Tuckers house to prepare for their State Alchemy Exam. Al is admiring the books and exclaims at how many there are and how cool it'll be to read them all. As he waits for Ed's response, he looks down and sees his older brother already half way through a book reading furiously.
"He's already started." Al jokes.

No hesitation. Always motion. Always learning, and the courage to confront the many obstacles that threaten to kill them.

At the least I am realizing these things and can try to keep up with them.

The other notice-ment is that of the dangers of mulling. I am good at it. I have much practice. I can understand things very well. However, that which is being understood must have been an actual event, which actual facts, and actual intents. Substitute intents only work so far, and usually for the wrong conclusion. "If we stop worrying, and fighting about time, I think we'll find that it's really on our side."-Scrubs episode. I want this to be true. I want to be able to stop thinking about right moments, situations, and how to time words. I need to work on teaching others how to listen and understanding that they already know how to.

Chewy Bar

I've recently returned back to Whitman after being home for the first time in about six months. The break was much needed, but was not complete until I returned. With fresh memories, I now can better compare today to last week. I am so happy that I live here. I was unable to get to my room without first being hugged by everyone in the first two sections, my own, and then a mass section hug. There was too much care going on. These are the people whom I am going to live with for the next few years, and I am confident that I am in capable hands. Here I feel a more intense concentration of self, or at the least I am aware of it more. I am safe here, and I can live here.
I need to stay focused and keep going. I need to keep writing here if only to help fuel my momentum. As usual. Work needs to be done. Today is a great time to start.

Keep playing piano.

Keep moving.

Like the Alchemist who tried to make gold out of lead, I must first try.

On Ice

Eerily right on.

Forgetting

"Writing Kanji is all about forgetting. You struggle and forget a kanji and then you have to look it up and write it down. Then later you forget it again and again but each time you forget it you are a little quicker to remember it."

-Professor Akira Takemoto

Realization

If there is something I wish to achieve, or an evironment, situation, etc. in the future, I have to do something about it. I have to be the one to put each piece in place. Otherwise it won't get done and nothing will move forward. Reality is a sum of actions. In order to be a part of it, you must continue to place one step forward or else someone will act in your stead.
"Human kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. In order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is the first rule of equivalent exchange."
-Full Metal Alchemist

also, while looking for this quote:
"..I ignored every sign post because I was reckless and I wanted it bad enough."-Edward Elric (FMA).

"When I was certain that he was going to kill me, my mind went blank and I didn't have any hope anymore. The only thing I could do was scream my lungs out. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even bring myself to believe someone might save me. Then you showed up Al, and I realized if we don't take care of each other, then no one else will. So I will do anything in my power to get our bodies back..."

Thought of

Rainy June

What I missed out on this year.

Halo, Soccer, Foods, dog-1, Sciencing, phat cat, Outside Sky-1, Monsters, Sky-2, Sky-3, Dog-2, Having good fun

Breathe

Revisiting Reconnectedness

I'm not really sure how things are going to be completely frank. I seem to be drawn more toward my work that I have yet to do rather than that which staring me right in the face. I'm a little concerned that I will try to pull back from my far off gaze and either get bitten by something in the near future, or even in the present because of my misguided sense of priority. Despite graduation close by, I really don't feel as if this year is different at all. I've used the title of senior to do barely anything I wouldn't have just done before. The people are still going to be there into the summer, and when I come back from college almost every time. The connections that I am beginning to foster are for the getting prepared for books and other far off things. There is a a transparent specter that wears internet shirts and drifts in and out of the perceivable consciousness of others on a weekly basis. The disappearance of such will leave with it no great trace and no viewable difference. It merely will move to a new place to haunt. Without the ability to affect the tangible world it is left to living off of what it hopes are correctly interpreted visual cues, and what it can make of the world it lives in as the strive for communication continues.

: /

Prolonged nothingness has slowly over the last month taken shape into a tangible form and is even now managing to weave itself into a garment that has unfortunately taken a liking to me and follows at my heels. Because I am currently feeling terribly uninspired to write for my philosophy exam I am writing here, throwing up a hope that in my random finger tappings I'll find some meaning or reason to be.
I checked out Ender's Game from the library since I have been unable to get Xenocide from anywhere. I'm taking better notes this time around, and after reading Speaker for the Dead there is still the same sense of amazement at how awesome these books are.
Part of my own fault has been watching more series on youtube and getting music. These so far have been a disruption that I continue to use.
There is frustration that I'm not doing anything. I'm not learning anything, I'm not taking in anything, I feel barely alive. The things I do do not have any effect on my surroundings, and if they do, there are many secrets that I am not privy to.
***
it is now May, and I found this draft while looking once again for inspiration and meaning to be. Xenocide was a useful book and helped a little. Right now time management is still a large problem as I keep finding myself spending large amounts of time either watching people play Smash Bros, or doing something else in which my presence does not matter. Reconnectedness is slipping into a concentrated individualism and putting on the blinders as the relationships around me become less insistent, and can just drift or sit there if that is to be.

Floating

I have noticed that over this past week I have been feeling more and more....away from people. I hope that I am not resurfacing the humans are units of meat line of thinking. I have been traped in school and have not been able to play video games, or read books that I need too. I feel like I should be writing more here to better explain this so that I can understand, but I am also feeling a little not motivated to do much of anything. I should go to sleep but I won't just yet.

Note to self: today was stupid

pros: did not cut off fingers, despite math, am still alive.

cons: got stitches, had an imaginary homework grade that applied only to me. I was not even there. I got a zero. Got a D on a math quiz where I have same answers of some one with a B. English teacher for AP lit. cannot handle words with multiple definitions (Ex: flowery). failure has come up and reared its ugly head. Apparently now that I've been accepted to a college, I will now just be subject to ridiculously stupid scenarios whose main goal is stopping me from going to college by any means necessary.
><